There is No F**king Secret: Part One

 

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not gonna lie, that hair is badass. image source: audible.com

Isn’t it crazy to think that The Osbournes premiered on MTV more than FIFTEEN years ago?  Y’all, we are old af.  It’s also straight loony tunes to realize that without Ozzy, Sharon, Jack & Kelly, there would probably be no reality television like we have today.  It’s so weird to imagine watching just scripted shows with like Juliana Margolis and no screaming pile of hair extensions and silicone crying because her dog’s cat’s cat mitzvah was a disaster. Continue reading

KKW by Kylie Cosmetics: A Review

 

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ugh, the last one is twisted. living an #Instagramlife is hard, y’all.

 

Even after my less-than-stellar experience with Khloe’s kollab (barf) with Kylie’s Cosmetics, I decided I had to try Kim’s new KKW collection (man, in such a politically and ethically turbulent year, all of the K’s really seem to be in poor taste).  Kim might not be everyone’s cup (kup? I KAN’T STOP!) of tea, but I think we can mostly agree that her make-up as of late is FLAWLESS. Continue reading

The Secrets of My Life: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

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match made in reality tv heaven. image source: rebloggy.com

So Bruce meets Kris and decides SHE is the one that can get his life back on track.  And by life, he means career.  Kris was the most socially gifted human Bruce had ever met and was in awe of her ability to work a room.  “Shocking!” – no one ever.  Anyway, Kris immediately takes over Bruce’s career and fires his old management team.  She gets him back into shape (minus da boobies, which stayed even after he ceased the female hormone therapy) and finds him several exercise equipment endorsement deals.  Honestly, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because so far, Caitlyn has said nothing bad at ALL about Kris.  So, either Kris completely (kompletely? no) overreacted to this book or, something is COMING, y’all.

Continue reading

The Secrets of My Life: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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not gonna lie, I love the lip color here. image source: tumblr.com

SO where were we? Ah yes, well Bruce finally mentions his sons he had with Linda Thompson, Brandon (who he calls one of his two best friends, the other being his son Burt) and Brody (who he calls a “successful DJ” #shade).  A lot of this book seems like an apology letter to his children, which is just really… sad.  Bruce had six kids with three different woman and besides Kendall and Kylie, wasn’t around hardly at all in their childhoods.  Maybe I am crazy, but I would prefer maybe some affirmation from my dad directly, not in a memoir.  But perhaps (perhaps!) my family dynamic is a little different than the Jenners. Continue reading

The Secrets of My Life: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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isn’t it literally in the title of this book that she does? image source: rebloggy.com

So Bruce wins the gold medal at the 1976 Olympics in the decathlon and stares at himself naked in the mirror wearing only the medal (um, okay).  He should feel like he has accomplished something SO huge, but his gender issues (as he describes them) continue to plague his self-confidence.   Even though he had essentially turned himself into the very personification of masculinity, Bruce knew he was still really running away from himself (YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?  RUNNING!)  Before his training, Bruce met his first wife, Chrystie (just imagine if she had spelled her name Khrystie.  Somewhere in America, a teen mom just got an idea for her baby name).  While Bruce worked on the ‘Lympics, Chrystie worked as a flight attendant (this is all so 70s, I love it) and was the bread winner. Continue reading

The Secrets of My Life: Part One

 

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WHO BOY! image source: bittopper.com

OH Caitlyn with a C, never a K, Jenner, what to do with you?  When it finally came out that you were indeed transitioning to a female, I was in awe of you.  I mean, I do actually think it was super brave to do it in such a public fashion with all of the world watching.  I guess 2015 was a different time, as we didn’t quite realize how racist/sexist/homophobic the country still is until we got Trump (President Donald Trump!  Think about that again for a second.  It will never NOT be shocking) in the White House, but even so, I think it was so important for the trans community to have such a popular and public figure leading the charge.  There are so many misconceptions about marginalized groups and here was a KARDASHIAN-ADJACENT person AND a former Olympic gold-medalist who was a poster boy for American masculinity coming out and saying hey, I am actually a woman.  This was a BIG DEAL.

Continue reading

Gretchen Rossi’s… Website? Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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listen you guys, it’s the sounds of Gretchen’s “career!” image source: giphy.com

You guys, I must admit that while it has been a LONG time since Gretchen and Slade were in the Bravo family, I find myself wondering what they are up to.  Not enough to watch any other terrible show that will have them, but like really curious as to what they do on a day-to-day basis.  What do you think a day in the Rossi-Smiley (sidenote: has there ever been or will there ever be a better reality name than Slade Smiley?  The fact that he is a broke former real estate developer from Orange County couldn’t be more perfect either.  He is the personification of how being on a reality show is a total house of cards) looks like?  I bet Slade spends his mornings googling himself and watching clips from that awful reality show he was on with his ex-fiancée Jo De La Rosa.  I saw her once when I was hiking Runyon and she was talking SO LOUDLY hoping people would notice her.

Continue reading

Kashmere Kollection Purifying Mask: A Review

check out my other review of Kashmere Kollection

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glad to see it still looks so… homemade.

As you may recall from my other review of the Kashmere Kollection (I know “Ks” are super in because of the Kardashians, but MAN, doing multiple ones in your product names just seems… risky), Kim is charging WAY too much for some very average skincare.  This little number was supposed to be FIFTY fucking dollars. I mean, look at the size of it: Continue reading

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Cooking with Phaedra

missed part one, part two, part three or part four? check em out!

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oh god, I fear my booty AND my gravy are lacking. image source: straightfromthea.com

We have finally reached the END, y’all!  Praise ANDY!  As you may have gleaned from the previous entries, I did not enjoy Secrets of the Southern Belle very much.  I have gone through a LOT of dreck (books “written” by seeming illiterates [Teresa Giudice)], raging narcissists [Ramona Singer] and a woman who has less self-awareness than any other reality star, and that is saying something [Alex McCord]), but I am so disappointed in this sexist nonsense because I actually LIKE Phaedra.  She is certainly smarter than 99% of the people on Bravo, has a fantastic wit and her slutty transparent vacation looks give me LIFE.  Plus I love anyone who matches their eye shadow to their clothing (see above).  It’s very seventh grade and I ain’t mad at that.  I understand that culture in the south is different than in my flyover upbringing, but I cannot get behind the whole helpless woman act. Continue reading

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

 

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srsly JC, hit the gas. image source: straightfromthea.com

 

Ugh, I can’t wait to be done with this nonsense so I can finally make some Phaedra Parks signature biscuits and pretend I never read this book.  As I have said before, Phaedra WAS my favorite real housewife, but Miss Sonja Morgan might be back in first place after reading this sexist nonsense.  Phaedra wants you to dress your little girls LIKE little girls, and while I agree that dressing girls like mini prostitutes isn’t good for anyone, I don’t think you have to have your kids wear bobbysocks and pinafores and shit.  Phaedra has two boys!  Do you know how messy kids are?  I make my kid brush his teeth shirtless because he can’t do it without smearing toothpaste everywhere (and homeboy still usually manages to get that shit in my hair and his, somehow). Continue reading

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Three

missed part one or part two?  check em out!

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you “woman from Detroit!” image source: allaboutherh.com

We are back with more crazypants advice from how to be an American woman circa 1955.  V v on trend in 2017.  First up, we MUST and I mean MUST learn out to clean our houses, ladies.  Although Phaedra does say to teach your daughters AND your sons to properly wield a mop, this is just so weird.  I am sorry, but I imagine that Phaedra is not scrubbing her own damn toilets at this point.  Also, stay in good graces with all of your exes.  Not only because it is the right thing to do, but also you never know when you might need someone to hang your curtains for you

Okay, hold up.

WHAT!?!??!? I am pretty sure that Phaedra can fucking pay someone to hang her goddamn curtains and not be cordial to some fuckhead (like, oh, you know, her ex-husband who is currently in prison) to do it for her because she is tee hee just a girl! Continue reading

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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thank you, Jesus. image source: pinterest.com

So, put down that bottle of beer.  It’s time to be a LADY, y’all.  And you can’t be lazy, but also don’t work too hard.  And have fun and be sassy but not TOO sassy.   And do all of this (in moderation, missy) with not a hair out of place.  Um, what?  I am not sure how anyone is supposed to gain anything from this.  Phaedra also recommends NOT putting it all out there and practice some modesty in dressing.  Um…

WHAT.

Has she not seen her own vacation looks?

Continue reading

Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part One

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please ignore my nail polish. i’m not a southern belle yet.

As you may know, Phaedra Parks is my favorite real housewife.  EVER.  I can’t get enough of her REDONK vacation looks, numerous careers, her KIDS (omg her children are the most adorbs kids of all the real housewife offspring), her one-liners… she has even managed to make me like Porsha more than I used to, which is a feat in itself.

Continue reading

Little Kids, Big City: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

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Pssshhht, Jill WISHES she were Regina George. image source: bustle.com

THANK YOU JESUS, we have finally reached the end.  One last pretentious installment of our bilingual snowflakes are better than yours!  First, after casually mentioning that their townhouse was photographed for New York Magazine, Alex says that she didn’t even notice that Johan had colored all over the walls until she saw the photos.  Um, you didn’t notice that there was fucking crayon drawings all over your walls the day you are getting your house photographed for a magazine? Continue reading

Little Kids, Big City: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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alex isn’t like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom! image source: world lifestyle.com

Ugh, are we still reading this?  Anyway, Alex and Simon have “spirited” children (anyone who saw them on Real Housewives of New York may have another adjective for them) and you know what?  Alex doesn’t give a shit if they are “nice.”  Um, okay.  I get you can’t control your children’s personalities, but I think raising kids to be kind isn’t some trendy nonsense that Alex and Simon are above.  There are a bunch of super boring anecdotes no one gives a shit about (Johan took Francios’s coloring book!  Mon dieu!) and then Alex goes on a long weird tangent about how even though she was raised in the midwest, she is still totes classy and urban.  Her father was in the oil business and so they HAD to live in Kansas after he bought “hundreds of acres.”  Calm down, Dorothy.  But they also had a house in the Caribbean, so don’t you DARE think Alex isn’t cultured. Continue reading

Little Kids, Big City: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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now THAT is friendship. image source: tumblr.com

So now we all know that Alex and Simon are better than all of us and their kids are the most bi-coastal, cultured and well-traveled tots OF ALL TIME.  You don’t have a name like Johan Van Kempen and eat McDonalds, playa.  But they are still little scamps, just like your kids!  In fact, one time, Johan thought the Hamptons was a country! Continue reading

Little Kids, Big City: Part One

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LOOK AT SIMON’S FACE. image source: amazon.com

YOU GUYS, I am sure you have heard by now that Bravo’s number one try-hard Jill Zarin is going to appear on the next season of Real Housewives of New York.  In the words of other famous New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder… whatever happened to resident weirdos Alex and Simon? Continue reading

Wives, Fiancees & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part Four

missed part one, part two, or part three? check em out!

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i love that Sheree put zero effort into changing anything about her life minus changing her name and being with an NBA player instead of an NFL star. image source: wifflegif.com

We finally reached the end, y’all!  THANK YOU LAWD.  This book was fun and all, but like binge watching a horrid season of Real Housewives, eventually you get sick of grown women acting ridiculous and you just want to dip back into real life.  But with the current political landscape, maybe not!  Bring it on, Andy!  Do your worst! Continue reading

Wives, Fiancees & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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chateau sheree might not be finished but it AIN’T a budget home! image source: perezhilton.com

SO now that Sasha has slept with Terrence, she is very nervous about everything thinking that she is a ho.  Norman certainly doesn’t help matters and advises Sasha to never expect to hear from him again.  Friendship!  Sasha tries to not think of Terrence but get back to SASHA and SASHA’S very important dreams of her very own fashion empire.  I think I would talk about this less (and laugh less) if She by Sheree had been the success Sheree is implying it was.  Girl, you didn’t even have finished samples at your fashion show! Continue reading

Wives, Fiancees & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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she is a BUSINESS LADY. image source: tumblr.com

WHERE WERE WE?

Honey, Sasha is better than everyone around her, but she is not there to judge.  She even becomes friends with Casey, her co-worker at the law firm she works at (where she is SO GOOD at time management, she even sketches fashions and works on her BUSINESS PLAN when she is done working on law stuff) even though Casey is married to a baller.  People in the At- I mean HOTlanta elite are very obsessed with sports stars.  I mean, obviously, as Sheree herself, Lisa Wu Hartwell, Kim Zolciak, DeShawn Snow, Porsha Williams etc. were all married to NBA or NFL players.  God, remember DeShawn?  Poor thing, so miscast. Continue reading

Wives, Fiances & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part One

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this gonna be good. image source: walmart.com

SO I decided to finally take my first foray into Real Housewife fiction.  If anything screams “I have a totally original story idea, not just a thinly veiled version of my life as a reality star,” it’s a Bravo personality.  I know Bethenny has a book, and Kelly Bensimon suggested I check out hers (no, really, she wrote that on an instagram post I did about her book I Can Make You Hot!) but if I am going to jump into this, I want to go BIG.  And what could be better than a book by Sheree Whitfield with the words “Side Chicks” in the title? Continue reading

blk. Water: A Review

 

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I like my water like I like my reality stars’ pasts: murky af and totally unappealing.

Remember when Albie Manzo was going to be a lawyer?   And then a cop?  But he gave up all of those illustrious career paths to bring happiness to the masses.  And by happiness, I mean blk. water.  As in black water.

Continue reading

uncharted terriTORI: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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my shoulder hurts from dancing. take me to the hospital! image source: s111.photobucket.com

SO where were we?  Ah yes, Tori was letting us know why she is basically just the hardest working lady plus best mother of all time and it’s fine that YOU (cough, Dean, cough) can have hobbies and make time for yourself, but Tori just can’t.  So there is a long, super passive aggressive section where she just complains about Dean riding motorcycles and she hates it SO much but won’t tell him to stop because THAT would be annoying.  Anyway, I can’t write about this topic anymore without ripping my own face off, so moving on!

You know who else Tori is better than?  All of the other moms at her kids’ school. Continue reading

uncharted terriTORI: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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it’s hard out there for an overprivileged girl. image source: primogif.com

So, you know when your estranged mother, your husband’s ex-wife and you all have books coming out within 6 months of each other?  And you aren’t speaking with either of them but you all talk a ton of shit about each other in your respective books?  No?  Well then you don’t know Tori’s PAIN.  Anyway, even though Candy Spelling was being like so unfair about EVERYTHING, Tori wanted her mom to have a relationship with her kids, so she did what every normal person does: she sent them over with the nanny.  Tori wanted her mom to see how much her son Liam was like her father- and you know that’s true because a psychic told her.  Another psychic told her that her daughter Stella would have a special connection with Tori’s deceased pug, Mimi La Rue.  Man, how does one get the job of being Tori Spelling’s psychic?  Apparently all you need is an internet connection and with some light googling, you’ll likely be set for life.  Or you would have back in 2010, as Tori doesn’t pay her bills anymore: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/tori-spelling-must-pay-amex-nearly-39k-in-unpaid-bills-w443227. Continue reading

uncharted terriTORI: Part One

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there’s a lot to unpack in this photo… oh god, help us all. image source: goodreads.com

What to say about Tori Spelling… I honestly can’t believe it has taken me this long to review anything by a woman than has been on more reality shows than a Kardashian and will literally slap her name on any company willing to give her a paycheck (pretty sure homegirl is currently shilling for the Psychic Friends Network).   Obviously, Tori (and her nefarious husband, Dean, who looks like the real life version of that ship captain from Family Guy) has had some… stumbles in the past few years, including one into a Benihana grill in what was quite possibly the weirdest celebrity (eh, I guess) story of 2015: Tori Spelling Hospitalized After Falling Onto Hibachi Grill at Benihana.  Also, there was that whole Dean cheated on Tori with a maybe (probably) fictional Canadian girl named Emily Goodhand (heh heh) and the shitshow reality show True Tori that followed.  Also, they are broke af somehow and also Tori is pregnant again with their fifth child. Continue reading

I Can Make You Hot! Cooking with Kelly

missed part onepart two or part three? check em out!

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i’m guessing the recipe is just gummy bears artfully arranged on some spinach. image source: primogif.com

You guys,something pretty funny happened… Kelly Bensimon liked ALL of my instagram posts about her and even commented with some heart emojis… Methinks she didn’t read any of my posts because I basically call her a crazy person who doesn’t know how to read… well, maybe she had her intern “read” it to her and she just heard the good parts!  Like she is thin and good at jogging amongst moving vehicles. Continue reading

Real Hockwives GIVEAWAY!

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as long as it isn’t unfiltered blonde, I’m in!  image source: giphy.com

You guys!  I have reached reality star swag SATURATION and I need to get some of this stuff out of my house before my husband has a bonfire and burns all of my Countess Collection fabulous pieces  (as if).  SO I would like to give all of you lovely ladies (and gents!) a chance to help me make room for all of the new books, booze, clothing and make-up the real housewives are just dying to sell to me.

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NOT YOU ALEXIS! image source: giphy.com

In this SUPER FABULOUS, crazy exciting giveaway, one lucky person will receive:

Life is Not a Reality Show by Kyle Richards

Strong is the New Sexy by Snooki

Skinnygirl Cocktails by Bethenny Frankel

Life on the Ramona Coaster by Ramona Singer

Get It! by Jacqueline Laurita

Indulge by Kathy Wakile

I Can Make You Hot! by Kelly Bensimon

V by Vicki Gunvalson

Click on the titles above to read my reviews of each… or wait, maybe don’t, or you might not want them anymore.  YOUR CHOICE!

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sorry, no Kim ZB wigs in this giveaway. image source: tenor.com

To enter, leave a comment on this post OR for a second entry, go to my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/realhockwives/  , follow me and like the giveaway post.  I will announce a winner on Monday, February 13.  GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ENTER! xoxo

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best valentine’s day ever!!!

I Can Make You Hot! Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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i don’t know what this means. but i like it. STOP BEING RED! image source: giphy.com

Now we get to the boring-eat (usually) part of every make over your life book- how to dress yourself.  I only say that it is boring in that EVERY book is exactly the same!  Don’t wear trends!  Find what works for  YOUR body!  Buy these classic pieces!  Find a great tailor!  BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHRGG.  BUT I will say that Kelly shared an great anecdote about Madonna ignoring her when she was still carrying her baby weight after he second baby.  Madonna had just had Rocco and was skinny and fit af and Kelly’s ex-husband NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER Gilles Bensimon was taking her photo for the cover of ELLE magazine.  Kelly was wearing a big ol fat shirt and looked like shit and Madonna wouldn’t talk to her.  NO IDEA what this has to do with dressing yourself, but it was a good story regardless. Continue reading

I Can Make You Hot! Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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excuse you, like there’s another gwyneth. image source: etonline.com

Onto the diet portion of the book, where Kelly proclaims that she doesn’t like diets or believe in them or go on them.  I would like to point out here that the subtitle of this book is “The Supermodel Diet,” but let’s not let things like logic or reality get in the way of Kelly’s proclamations.  This is the world we live in now!  Better get used to it. Continue reading

I Can Make You Hot! Part One

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is the diet gummy bear-based?

YOU GUYS I finally found the RIGHT Kelly Bensimon (I’m sorry, I mean Kelly Killoran Bensimon, or KKB as she sometimes refers to herself) book on how to be hot af!  I once accidentally bought another book by KKB called The Bikini Book that was actually just a book about bikinis and pictures of them and shit. (you can read all about my shame here)  This time I CAN FINALLY learn all of KKB’s secrets!  Like be 6 feet tall and be naturally skinny and beautiful! Continue reading

V by Vicki Gunvalson: A Review

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PURE ELEGANCE.

You guys, did you know that the OG real housewife, screaming briefcase of blonde hair extensions Vicki Gunvalson is also a PERFUMER?  (yes, I had to google that shit, don’t judge me).  Oh yes, Vicki has been a real housewife for nearly ELEVEN years.  Can you believe that?  In between horrible boyfriends and SO MUCH BUSINESS, Vicki has managed to stay relevant (lol) enough for Andy Cohen to keep her around.  Unlike so many lesser women, Vicki just can’t get enough of looking like a batshit crazy person, horrible mother and, of course, IMPORTANT BUSINESS WOMAN on our televisions. Continue reading

PUMP: A Review

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well, hello boys! image source: pinterest.com

Big news!  I finally stepped foot into Lisa Vanderpump’s mecca in the middle of West Hollywood: PUMP.  I have actually been to SUR before, way back in 2009 before it was the background of my (former) favorite Bravo show, Vanderpump Rules.  This season is garbage, and not even in the good way.

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wait, I just remembered how awful Vale was. image source: hercampus.com

Continue reading

Get It! Part One

 

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please ignore my chipped nail polish. I haven’t learned how to “get it” yet.

You guys, I am confused.

First of all, Jacqueline Laurita wrote a book?  And maybe I missed something, but I feel like she never mentioned it ONCE her whole crazy pants last season of RHONJ?  These hos are usually shilling every chance they GET (see: Bethenny Frankel) and she mentioned the stupid popcorn company (just what everyone wants- smaller popcorn kernels!) one million times but never this?

Continue reading

Bulletproof: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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goddammit, rhiiiine. image source: tumblr.com

Breaking up is hard, y’all.

So, turns out that getting engaged on your 17th birthday right before you give birth is not the happy ending that so many dumb tweens watching 16 & Pregnant think it is.  Maci gave it the old college try, but turns out that spending your life with a monosyllabic man-child who has no interest in being a “teen dad” is not really good for anyone.  Even lil Bentley.  Maci, relationship troubs aside, loved being a mom and felt like she had really good instincts right from the jump and didn’t need Rhiiiine’s bullshit anyway. Continue reading

Bulletproof: Part One

 

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god, I feel old just looking at this. image source: newsegg.com

Guys, I have mostly avoided Teen Mom and it’s… stars(?) until this point because I find the whole thing just too… sad.  Obviously making these mostly disenfranchised children reality stars didn’t do much for improving their life, considering having more money seemed to only increase addictions (to fame, plastic surgery, drugs, etc) and didn’t do much to help their offspring either.  But of all the sad, sad girls, Maci seemed to be the most level headed and actually appeared to be a good mother.  Besides Caitlynn (and Tyler!  they are the best), Maci seemed to actually be somewhat mature, especially when dealing with the sack of shit father of her son, Bentley.

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lol u r horrible! image source: tumblr.com

Continue reading

Real Hockwives 2016 Holiday Gift Guide

Still struggling to finish your last minute holiday shopping?  Let me help you buy for all of the ladies (and gents) in your life, featuring items I reviewed this past year!  Happy holidays!  I’ll be back with fresh nonsense in the new year!

For your aunt who loves to cook but might also be illiterate

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I would highly recommend Skinny Italian or Fabulicious!, if she is really not into the English language.  There are enough photos of the food (plus bonus photos of Juicy Joe Giudice!) that she might be able to figure it out. Continue reading

Body by Bethenny: A Review

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is it just me or is this the worst workout dvd cover ever? image source: amazon.com

Bethenny Frankel is a lot of things: intense, booze maven, amateur sleuth (don’t let it be about Tom!), batshit crazy, and, of course, skinny.  A collection of workout DVDs is very on brand for her and you know Bethenny doesn’t do anything that doesn’t make her the moneys.  She says that she maintains her figure from doing yoga, so I thought I would give one of her workouts a try.  Body by Bethenny is a 40 minute yoga series, a short weight routine and a “booty bonus” (I can’t imagine what the marketing meetings for workout DVDs are like.  How many synonyms can you possibly come up with for butt, tone and lean?) Continue reading

Fabulicious! Fast & Fit: Italian Flank Steak

missed Fabulicious Part One? check it out!

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um… define opposite. image source: giphy.com

After I made Zuppa di Verdure, I wanted to make a heartier dish for my next foray into the gilded land of Giudice deliciousness.  Luckily, there really are a lot of options in Fabulicious (god, if I never have to type that word out again, I would be a very happy girl) that aren’t just pasta.  Honestly, I barely looked at any of the descriptions and went mostly by the photos.  Like any good real housewife, I simply did not (could not) read and based my judgements on purely superficial photos.  I’m learning!

Continue reading

Koko Kollection by Kylie Cosmetics: A Review

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looks so kfancy!

Even though I am technically a millennial, I don’t really “get” Kylie Jenner.  Now Khloe, her horrible book notwithstanding (although I am excited for her Revenge Body show on E!), Khloe I can get behind.  She is funny as balls and has a ton of personality on Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Kylie, on the other hand, appears to be about as animated and interesting as one of those “real girl” sex dolls come to life.  Posing with duckface (that you can’t undo, as you have surgeried yourself into literally a duck) in front of a phone for 10 hours a day while you try on different wigs and shit sounds like the seventh circle of hell.  I don’t understand idolizing a rich girl who wears Adidas track pants with more make-up than the entire cast of RuPaul’s drag race, but I never “got” Paris Hilton either, so there you go.  I am a curmudgeon. Continue reading

Kristen Doute’s Vegiholic

 

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that’s my girl. image source: gogogossip.com

YOU GUYS do you know that Vanderpump Rules is secretly my favorite show on Bravo?  Well, it used to be anyway.  I CANNOT get into this season.  I hate Katie Maloney and her boring ass, matte-lipped Eeyore ass (ASS) trying to be the new Stassi shtick to be exhausting and so boring.  I might end up team Lala soon if this shit doesn’t change.  I do love me some Tom Schwartz and Stassi is amazing but… Stassi seems a little watered down this season and I don’t know what is up with Schena’s weirdo Twilight contacts and ever shrinking nose.  James Kennedy is THE WORST PERSON who has ever been on reality television (maybe even worse than Jacqueline Laurita’s daughter Ashleigheeeyyyyeeeee) but he is not wrong about her changing face.  Homegirl is turning into a straight up avatar and it is frightening.  Can’t she release some horrible new song so we all have something to laugh at? Continue reading

Heather’s Closet: Episode One

 

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“aren’t I soooo relatable?” image source: pinterest.com

Oh Heather Dubrow, what to do with you?  At first, you seemed like a normal who wandered into a blonde party of such craziness, that you truly seemed like the first real housewife who felt like she was aware of the fuckery going on around her.  BUT THEN I listened to your podcast and realized you need Shannon’s kookiness and Tamra’s trashy hot lady vibes to foil your uptight, brunette shtick.  By yourself, you are insufferable, and even in the midst of the melted Barbies screaming at each other that is the Real Housewives of Orange County’s deal, you have kind of lost the plot.  If you make me feel sorry for the pile of stained club shirts from Wet Seal that is Kelly Dodd, you are a BAD PERSON. Continue reading

The Naked Truth: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

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so happy to have mine back now that this if finally over. image source: giphy.com

SO Danielle finally had her prince charming, Tom- or SO SHE THOUGHT.  He had an affair after her oldest daughter, Christine was born but they got through it and after some fertility issues, Jillian was born two years later.  Danielle was very rich and says that she and Tom never took out a loan for anything, including their two million dollar home.  As she never actually says what Tom did for a living, I am getting shade of Giudice alllll over this.  However, like everything else in this “book,” their marriage was no good.  With no real explanation, Danielle got a divorce and then was completely destitute (which makes zero sense- she never mentions a pre-nup and you KNOW she would’ve it there was one).  So why no alimony or child support from a man who had two million in cash to get a house? Continue reading

The Naked Truth: Part Three

missed part one or part two?  check em out!

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j’accuse! image source: tumblr.com

AND WE ARE BACK with the dramatic continuation of a soap opera come to life, Danielle Staub.  Seriously, according to Danielle, anything bad or traumatic that has ever happened to anyone EVER has happened to her times ten.  I am LEAVING OUT so many crazy details and STILL her story sounds so made up.  Onward!

So Danielle moves with her new guy Kevin up to New Jersey to start a “new” life.  Of course, this still included stripping for Danielle, because Kevin liked the money, even though he was an FBI agent.  How a woman who had recently been incarcerated in Florida and pled guilty to Kidnapping and Extortion was able to just move away while on probation is beyond me, but I digress.  However, after they moved, things did not go well for Dani & Kev.  He became increasingly paranoid and jealous of her dancing, even though he made her do it. Continue reading

The Naked Truth: Part Two

missed part one?  check it out!

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duly noted. image source: jezebel.com

SO where were we??  Ah yes, Danielle ran away to Florida and hob-nobbed with the likes of Don Johnson and other celebrities she was too scared to name because libel.  She also broke up with her boyfriend Billy after her modeling career took off and he couldn’t keep up with Danielle.  She had a fling with a very famous Olympian that I pray was Bruce Jenner, although you know Danielle’s thirst wouldn’t have let her be quiet about that one.  Danielle claims that Prince is the “best kisser EVA” which, can you even imagine that? I mean seriously, put that image in your mind. Continue reading

Caroline Manzo’s Friendly Monkey Soap Co. Bath Bombs: A Review

 

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she don’t look so friendly. image source: giphy.com

Guys, I have a confession to make.  I actually HATE Manzo’d With Children.  I think it is a terrible show and one of my least favorites on Bravo.  I liked Caroline a lot on Real Housewives of New Jersey, but those shows work because there is REAL conflict between the women, not the manufactured bullshit that is on MWC (is that not the WORST name of a show EVER?  I know Andy Cohen loves him a good pun, but BARF).  It’s like a New Jersey version of Full House, where everyone learns a valuable lesson in 30 minutes (minus commercials) and I DON’T LIKE IT. I just don’t find their family dynamic interesting enough to warrant a whole show (see also: Tardy for the Party, minus Kim’s chef Tracy, who is AMAZING).  However, I accidentally watched one episode a few weeks ago, and luckily it was the one featuring Caroline’s new “passion,” making soaps!

Continue reading