I’M BACK, BITCHES! It’s been a hot minute, but I guess my kids got in the way of my dreams of writing about Snooki and Sonja Morgan’s clothing lines (THINK ABOUT IF THE TWO OF THEM OPENED A CLOTHING BOUTIQUE TOGETHER. JUST THINK ABOUT IT), but I am back with a HOT OFF THE PRESSES review of the wine from messiest trio of ladies in their 30s since…. other ladies on Bravo who are now in their 40s and 50s (Vicki/Tamara/Shannon; Tre/Melissa/Danielle Staub-OfMarty-OfOliver, etc.) were in their 30s. That’s right: Witches of Weho Potion Number One!
So where were we? Ah yes, still here, somehow. Now we move into the portion of the book I like to call “Teresa Describes Parties She Throws and Attends and Also Vacations She Has Gone On and What She Wore and Ate and Did Not Eat and Also Who Was There and Was Not There.” It is as compelling as it sounds! First, as we will see this season on RHONJ, the women go to Milan. Teresa almost doesn’t get to go because her father went back into the hospital, but ended up making it in just the nick of time. Mi donna mia, as she would say! Anyway, imagine Teresa reading you a “what I did on my summer vacation” report on her trip to Italy in a very monotone voice while sleepily throwing in facts about Milan. Like that she named Milania that because she was pregnant with her in Italy. Speaking of, where has Milania been in this book? I need more of her!
SO Juicy Joe has entered the big house, and Tre is now a single parent to her gaggle of Italian Jon Benets and life is stressful af, yo. Shockingly, this book is not super organized in terms of order. Tre lashes out at Joe repeatedly and then intermixes that with sweet stories of their relationship in the “good times” before they were caught for all of their financial crimes. At the beginning of the book, I was POSITIVE that Teresa was going to divorce Joe (and leave him for her lawyer- she has total mentionitis with him and constantly mentions their conversations and he seems to be present in every part of her life, not just her many legal issues), but then she talks about him with the same reverence she had in the last book. I mean, I understand that marriage and relationships are complicated, but Tre is a pretttttttty simple person and seems to be very black and white, and has finally realized that Joe ruined their lives, caused her to be in prison for most of the last year of her mother’s life, and is an alcoholic pig who hasn’t taken responsibility for ANYTHING. Ditch him, Tre!
Oh man, here we are again. As you may recall, I listened to Teresa read her first book, Turning the Tables as one of my first reviews. As she basically sounded like a dying Furby, I swore to NEVER AGAIN put myself through that. Ah, the ignorance of youth. At that point, I hadn’t yet dulled my sense by consuming SO many terrible books, including a how to please your Neanderthal husband guide from Tre’s own SIL, Melissa, Danielle Staub’s INSANE memoir (she still claims to have been engaged 19 times, also that she is not a prostitution whore), drank the murkey blk. water of the Manzo children and, y’all, THAT IS JUST FROM THE CAST OF RHONJ. I can DO THIS! Continue reading
Did y’all know that the cast of Jersey Shore did a reunion of sorts on E!? Everyone was there, well, minus Ron (RAHN), Deena (underwears!) and Vinnie. I didn’t watch it, but it made me nostalgic for the relatively simple days of 2009 where a pint-sized meatball, dressed in leopard and a neon trucker hat, barreled into our televisions. AND OUR HEARTS! Seriously, in a time when almost all reality stars are so self aware and pushing their shitty “brand” (cough, Bethenny Frankel, cough) down our throats every five seconds, having a full cast of people who were just unapologetically themselves seemed almost quaint!
Like all good entrepreneurs who have exhausted every other income/product stream (I mean seriously? there is Skinnygirl deli meat now), Bethenny Frankel must now write children’s books. What a weird way for her to go- for someone who is so OBSESSED with her “brand,” which is basically aggressive female hysteria and low-cal booze- a super girly kids book?
Um, you guys, I have been wanting to try Tipsy Girl wine since Sonja came UP with her cheater brand scheme. However, after going from website to website to website to try to even FIND the effing thing, I found out they are out of the Prosecco AND that they can’t currently ship to my flyover state. GODAMMIT. I mean, I am really not that surprised… Sonja never came out with her toaster oven cookbook, which is one of the tragedies of all of our lives.
Even though I think the original Skinnygirl margarita is too sour and best in very small doses (much like Bethenny herself), I thought that the white peach version might actually be delicious. It sounds so refreshing and summer-y, right? After all, I did genuinely like the Skinnygirl White Cranberry Cosmo, even though that was mostly due to the fact that it just looked like straight up water (#tricky) so maybe the peach version of the marg would be surprisingly delicious? Continue reading
Oh Shannon Beador… I can’t help but love you. I love that you have been on a reality show for several years but you STILL get drunk, say WAY too much personal stuff, have NO problem acting like a complete psycho AND drag your flailing marriage to an Aryan robot into your storyline every year. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!
YOU GUYS, are you wonder what the EFF Andy Cohen is smoking bringing back resident awkward weirdo Lydia McLaughlin (I had to google her to find out her last name- not good brand recognition, better get whatever shitty intern you have on that right away, Lyds) to Real Housewives of Orange County? As much as I hate her (and her AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE WEBSITE), why not bring back Gretchen Rossi and her creepy dad, I mean fiancé, Slade Smiley (lol til the end of time at that name)? You know they would BRING IT to guarantee they remained on the show (and ostensibly, not become homeless. what do people like them do for money after a reality show?!)
So after the (semi?) successful attempt at making a British-American dish like the chia muffins (some of these recipes seem to just be either very American or very British, tbh), I decided to get all kinds a fancy and make something I have never done before- fish in parchment paper. Steamed Mediterranean Fish Parcels, to be exact. Doesn’t that sound bougie af? Continue reading
GUYS do you watch Ladies of London on Bravo? I never had much of an interest until last year when I finally watched my first season. It’s SO GOOD. Caroline Stanbury is the Lisa Vanderpump of London (which is v confusing, as Lisa is British too) and may very well be the BEST reality villain on Bravo. I LUFF HER. Unfortunately for us, she did not write this book. Little Marissa Hermer (her American accent sounds AWFUL next to all of these posh ladies, but not as bad as that blogger Julia or Juliette or whatever) did. Continue reading
Isn’t it crazy to think that The Osbournes premiered on MTV more than FIFTEEN years ago? Y’all, we are old af. It’s also straight loony tunes to realize that without Ozzy, Sharon, Jack & Kelly, there would probably be no reality television like we have today. It’s so weird to imagine watching just scripted shows with like Juliana Margolis and no screaming pile of hair extensions and silicone crying because her dog’s cat’s cat mitzvah was a disaster. Continue reading
Even after my less-than-stellar experience with Khloe’s kollab (barf) with Kylie’s Cosmetics, I decided I had to try Kim’s new KKW collection (man, in such a politically and ethically turbulent year, all of the K’s really seem to be in poor taste). Kim might not be everyone’s cup (kup? I KAN’T STOP!) of tea, but I think we can mostly agree that her make-up as of late is FLAWLESS. Continue reading
So Bruce meets Kris and decides SHE is the one that can get his life back on track. And by life, he means career. Kris was the most socially gifted human Bruce had ever met and was in awe of her ability to work a room. “Shocking!” – no one ever. Anyway, Kris immediately takes over Bruce’s career and fires his old management team. She gets him back into shape (minus da boobies, which stayed even after he ceased the female hormone therapy) and finds him several exercise equipment endorsement deals. Honestly, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because so far, Caitlyn has said nothing bad at ALL about Kris. So, either Kris completely (kompletely? no) overreacted to this book or, something is COMING, y’all.
SO where were we? Ah yes, well Bruce finally mentions his sons he had with Linda Thompson, Brandon (who he calls one of his two best friends, the other being his son Burt) and Brody (who he calls a “successful DJ” #shade). A lot of this book seems like an apology letter to his children, which is just really… sad. Bruce had six kids with three different woman and besides Kendall and Kylie, wasn’t around hardly at all in their childhoods. Maybe I am crazy, but I would prefer maybe some affirmation from my dad directly, not in a memoir. But perhaps (perhaps!) my family dynamic is a little different than the Jenners. Continue reading
So Bruce wins the gold medal at the 1976 Olympics in the decathlon and stares at himself naked in the mirror wearing only the medal (um, okay). He should feel like he has accomplished something SO huge, but his gender issues (as he describes them) continue to plague his self-confidence. Even though he had essentially turned himself into the very personification of masculinity, Bruce knew he was still really running away from himself (YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE!? RUNNING!) Before his training, Bruce met his first wife, Chrystie (just imagine if she had spelled her name Khrystie. Somewhere in America, a teen mom just got an idea for her baby name). While Bruce worked on the ‘Lympics, Chrystie worked as a flight attendant (this is all so 70s, I love it) and was the bread winner. Continue reading
OH Caitlyn with a C, never a K, Jenner, what to do with you? When it finally came out that you were indeed transitioning to a female, I was in awe of you. I mean, I do actually think it was super brave to do it in such a public fashion with all of the world watching. I guess 2015 was a different time, as we didn’t quite realize how racist/sexist/homophobic the country still is until we got Trump (President Donald Trump! Think about that again for a second. It will never NOT be shocking) in the White House, but even so, I think it was so important for the trans community to have such a popular and public figure leading the charge. There are so many misconceptions about marginalized groups and here was a KARDASHIAN-ADJACENT person AND a former Olympic gold-medalist who was a poster boy for American masculinity coming out and saying hey, I am actually a woman. This was a BIG DEAL.
You guys, I must admit that while it has been a LONG time since Gretchen and Slade were in the Bravo family, I find myself wondering what they are up to. Not enough to watch any other terrible show that will have them, but like really curious as to what they do on a day-to-day basis. What do you think a day in the Rossi-Smiley (sidenote: has there ever been or will there ever be a better reality name than Slade Smiley? The fact that he is a broke former real estate developer from Orange County couldn’t be more perfect either. He is the personification of how being on a reality show is a total house of cards) looks like? I bet Slade spends his mornings googling himself and watching clips from that awful reality show he was on with his ex-fiancée Jo De La Rosa. I saw her once when I was hiking Runyon and she was talking SO LOUDLY hoping people would notice her.
As you may recall from my other review of the Kashmere Kollection (I know “Ks” are super in because of the Kardashians, but MAN, doing multiple ones in your product names just seems… risky), Kim is charging WAY too much for some very average skincare. This little number was supposed to be FIFTY fucking dollars. I mean, look at the size of it: Continue reading
We have finally reached the END, y’all! Praise ANDY! As you may have gleaned from the previous entries, I did not enjoy Secrets of the Southern Belle very much. I have gone through a LOT of dreck (books “written” by seeming illiterates [Teresa Giudice)], raging narcissists [Ramona Singer] and a woman who has less self-awareness than any other reality star, and that is saying something [Alex McCord]), but I am so disappointed in this sexist nonsense because I actually LIKE Phaedra. She is certainly smarter than 99% of the people on Bravo, has a fantastic wit and her slutty transparent vacation looks give me LIFE. Plus I love anyone who matches their eye shadow to their clothing (see above). It’s very seventh grade and I ain’t mad at that. I understand that culture in the south is different than in my flyover upbringing, but I cannot get behind the whole helpless woman act. Continue reading
Ugh, I can’t wait to be done with this nonsense so I can finally make some Phaedra Parks signature biscuits and pretend I never read this book. As I have said before, Phaedra WAS my favorite real housewife, but Miss Sonja Morgan might be back in first place after reading this sexist nonsense. Phaedra wants you to dress your little girls LIKE little girls, and while I agree that dressing girls like mini prostitutes isn’t good for anyone, I don’t think you have to have your kids wear bobbysocks and pinafores and shit. Phaedra has two boys! Do you know how messy kids are? I make my kid brush his teeth shirtless because he can’t do it without smearing toothpaste everywhere (and homeboy still usually manages to get that shit in my hair and his, somehow). Continue reading
We are back with more crazypants advice from how to be an American woman circa 1955. V v on trend in 2017. First up, we MUST and I mean MUST learn out to clean our houses, ladies. Although Phaedra does say to teach your daughters AND your sons to properly wield a mop, this is just so weird. I am sorry, but I imagine that Phaedra is not scrubbing her own damn toilets at this point. Also, stay in good graces with all of your exes. Not only because it is the right thing to do, but also you never know when you might need someone to hang your curtains for you
Okay, hold up.
WHAT!?!??!? I am pretty sure that Phaedra can fucking pay someone to hang her goddamn curtains and not be cordial to some fuckhead (like, oh, you know, her ex-husband who is currently in prison) to do it for her because she is tee hee just a girl! Continue reading
So, put down that bottle of beer. It’s time to be a LADY, y’all. And you can’t be lazy, but also don’t work too hard. And have fun and be sassy but not TOO sassy. And do all of this (in moderation, missy) with not a hair out of place. Um, what? I am not sure how anyone is supposed to gain anything from this. Phaedra also recommends NOT putting it all out there and practice some modesty in dressing. Um…
Has she not seen her own vacation looks?
As you may know, Phaedra Parks is my favorite real housewife. EVER. I can’t get enough of her REDONK vacation looks, numerous careers, her KIDS (omg her children are the most adorbs kids of all the real housewife offspring), her one-liners… she has even managed to make me like Porsha more than I used to, which is a feat in itself.
THANK YOU JESUS, we have finally reached the end. One last pretentious installment of our bilingual snowflakes are better than yours! First, after casually mentioning that their townhouse was photographed for New York Magazine, Alex says that she didn’t even notice that Johan had colored all over the walls until she saw the photos. Um, you didn’t notice that there was fucking crayon drawings all over your walls the day you are getting your house photographed for a magazine? Continue reading
Ugh, are we still reading this? Anyway, Alex and Simon have “spirited” children (anyone who saw them on Real Housewives of New York may have another adjective for them) and you know what? Alex doesn’t give a shit if they are “nice.” Um, okay. I get you can’t control your children’s personalities, but I think raising kids to be kind isn’t some trendy nonsense that Alex and Simon are above. There are a bunch of super boring anecdotes no one gives a shit about (Johan took Francios’s coloring book! Mon dieu!) and then Alex goes on a long weird tangent about how even though she was raised in the midwest, she is still totes classy and urban. Her father was in the oil business and so they HAD to live in Kansas after he bought “hundreds of acres.” Calm down, Dorothy. But they also had a house in the Caribbean, so don’t you DARE think Alex isn’t cultured. Continue reading
So now we all know that Alex and Simon are better than all of us and their kids are the most bi-coastal, cultured and well-traveled tots OF ALL TIME. You don’t have a name like Johan Van Kempen and eat McDonalds, playa. But they are still little scamps, just like your kids! In fact, one time, Johan thought the Hamptons was a country! Continue reading
YOU GUYS, I am sure you have heard by now that Bravo’s number one try-hard Jill Zarin is going to appear on the next season of Real Housewives of New York. In the words of other famous New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder… whatever happened to resident weirdos Alex and Simon? Continue reading
We finally reached the end, y’all! THANK YOU LAWD. This book was fun and all, but like binge watching a horrid season of Real Housewives, eventually you get sick of grown women acting ridiculous and you just want to dip back into real life. But with the current political landscape, maybe not! Bring it on, Andy! Do your worst! Continue reading
SO now that Sasha has slept with Terrence, she is very nervous about everything thinking that she is a ho. Norman certainly doesn’t help matters and advises Sasha to never expect to hear from him again. Friendship! Sasha tries to not think of Terrence but get back to SASHA and SASHA’S very important dreams of her very own fashion empire. I think I would talk about this less (and laugh less) if She by Sheree had been the success Sheree is implying it was. Girl, you didn’t even have finished samples at your fashion show! Continue reading
WHERE WERE WE?
Honey, Sasha is better than everyone around her, but she is not there to judge. She even becomes friends with Casey, her co-worker at the law firm she works at (where she is SO GOOD at time management, she even sketches fashions and works on her BUSINESS PLAN when she is done working on law stuff) even though Casey is married to a baller. People in the At- I mean HOTlanta elite are very obsessed with sports stars. I mean, obviously, as Sheree herself, Lisa Wu Hartwell, Kim Zolciak, DeShawn Snow, Porsha Williams etc. were all married to NBA or NFL players. God, remember DeShawn? Poor thing, so miscast. Continue reading
SO I decided to finally take my first foray into Real Housewife fiction. If anything screams “I have a totally original story idea, not just a thinly veiled version of my life as a reality star,” it’s a Bravo personality. I know Bethenny has a book, and Kelly Bensimon suggested I check out hers (no, really, she wrote that on an instagram post I did about her book I Can Make You Hot!) but if I am going to jump into this, I want to go BIG. And what could be better than a book by Sheree Whitfield with the words “Side Chicks” in the title? Continue reading
Remember when Albie Manzo was going to be a lawyer? And then a cop? But he gave up all of those illustrious career paths to bring happiness to the masses. And by happiness, I mean blk. water. As in black water.
SO where were we? Ah yes, Tori was letting us know why she is basically just the hardest working lady plus best mother of all time and it’s fine that YOU (cough, Dean, cough) can have hobbies and make time for yourself, but Tori just can’t. So there is a long, super passive aggressive section where she just complains about Dean riding motorcycles and she hates it SO much but won’t tell him to stop because THAT would be annoying. Anyway, I can’t write about this topic anymore without ripping my own face off, so moving on!
You know who else Tori is better than? All of the other moms at her kids’ school. Continue reading
So, you know when your estranged mother, your husband’s ex-wife and you all have books coming out within 6 months of each other? And you aren’t speaking with either of them but you all talk a ton of shit about each other in your respective books? No? Well then you don’t know Tori’s PAIN. Anyway, even though Candy Spelling was being like so unfair about EVERYTHING, Tori wanted her mom to have a relationship with her kids, so she did what every normal person does: she sent them over with the nanny. Tori wanted her mom to see how much her son Liam was like her father- and you know that’s true because a psychic told her. Another psychic told her that her daughter Stella would have a special connection with Tori’s deceased pug, Mimi La Rue. Man, how does one get the job of being Tori Spelling’s psychic? Apparently all you need is an internet connection and with some light googling, you’ll likely be set for life. Or you would have back in 2010, as Tori doesn’t pay her bills anymore: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/tori-spelling-must-pay-amex-nearly-39k-in-unpaid-bills-w443227. Continue reading
What to say about Tori Spelling… I honestly can’t believe it has taken me this long to review anything by a woman than has been on more reality shows than a Kardashian and will literally slap her name on any company willing to give her a paycheck (pretty sure homegirl is currently shilling for the Psychic Friends Network). Obviously, Tori (and her nefarious husband, Dean, who looks like the real life version of that ship captain from Family Guy) has had some… stumbles in the past few years, including one into a Benihana grill in what was quite possibly the weirdest celebrity (eh, I guess) story of 2015: Tori Spelling Hospitalized After Falling Onto Hibachi Grill at Benihana. Also, there was that whole Dean cheated on Tori with a maybe (probably) fictional Canadian girl named Emily Goodhand (heh heh) and the shitshow reality show True Tori that followed. Also, they are broke af somehow and also Tori is pregnant again with their fifth child. Continue reading
You guys,something pretty funny happened… Kelly Bensimon liked ALL of my instagram posts about her and even commented with some heart emojis… Methinks she didn’t read any of my posts because I basically call her a crazy person who doesn’t know how to read… well, maybe she had her intern “read” it to her and she just heard the good parts! Like she is thin and good at jogging amongst moving vehicles. Continue reading
You guys! I have reached reality star swag SATURATION and I need to get some of this stuff out of my house before my husband has a bonfire and burns all of my Countess Collection fabulous pieces (as if). SO I would like to give all of you lovely ladies (and gents!) a chance to help me make room for all of the new books, booze, clothing and make-up the real housewives are just dying to sell to me.
In this SUPER FABULOUS, crazy exciting giveaway, one lucky person will receive:
Click on the titles above to read my reviews of each… or wait, maybe don’t, or you might not want them anymore. YOUR CHOICE!
To enter, leave a comment on this post OR for a second entry, go to my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/realhockwives/ , follow me and like the giveaway post. I will announce a winner on Monday, February 13. GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ENTER! xoxo
Now we get to the boring-eat (usually) part of every make over your life book- how to dress yourself. I only say that it is boring in that EVERY book is exactly the same! Don’t wear trends! Find what works for YOUR body! Buy these classic pieces! Find a great tailor! BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHRGG. BUT I will say that Kelly shared an great anecdote about Madonna ignoring her when she was still carrying her baby weight after he second baby. Madonna had just had Rocco and was skinny and fit af and Kelly’s ex-husband NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER Gilles Bensimon was taking her photo for the cover of ELLE magazine. Kelly was wearing a big ol fat shirt and looked like shit and Madonna wouldn’t talk to her. NO IDEA what this has to do with dressing yourself, but it was a good story regardless. Continue reading
Onto the diet portion of the book, where Kelly proclaims that she doesn’t like diets or believe in them or go on them. I would like to point out here that the subtitle of this book is “The Supermodel Diet,” but let’s not let things like logic or reality get in the way of Kelly’s proclamations. This is the world we live in now! Better get used to it. Continue reading
YOU GUYS I finally found the RIGHT Kelly Bensimon (I’m sorry, I mean Kelly Killoran Bensimon, or KKB as she sometimes refers to herself) book on how to be hot af! I once accidentally bought another book by KKB called The Bikini Book that was actually just a book about bikinis and pictures of them and shit. (you can read all about my shame here) This time I CAN FINALLY learn all of KKB’s secrets! Like be 6 feet tall and be naturally skinny and beautiful! Continue reading
You guys, did you know that the OG real housewife, screaming briefcase of blonde hair extensions Vicki Gunvalson is also a PERFUMER? (yes, I had to google that shit, don’t judge me). Oh yes, Vicki has been a real housewife for nearly ELEVEN years. Can you believe that? In between horrible boyfriends and SO MUCH BUSINESS, Vicki has managed to stay relevant (lol) enough for Andy Cohen to keep her around. Unlike so many lesser women, Vicki just can’t get enough of looking like a batshit crazy person, horrible mother and, of course, IMPORTANT BUSINESS WOMAN on our televisions. Continue reading
Big news! I finally stepped foot into Lisa Vanderpump’s mecca in the middle of West Hollywood: PUMP. I have actually been to SUR before, way back in 2009 before it was the background of my (former) favorite Bravo show, Vanderpump Rules. This season is garbage, and not even in the good way.
So, have you GOT IT yet? Not me, still just over here, wondering how the eff this book got published. The layout legitimately looks like an old issue of Sassy magazine from 1993 and I am truly wondering if I currently posses the only copy of this book ever published. Continue reading
You guys, I am confused.
First of all, Jacqueline Laurita wrote a book? And maybe I missed something, but I feel like she never mentioned it ONCE her whole crazy pants last season of RHONJ? These hos are usually shilling every chance they GET (see: Bethenny Frankel) and she mentioned the stupid popcorn company (just what everyone wants- smaller popcorn kernels!) one million times but never this?
Breaking up is hard, y’all.
So, turns out that getting engaged on your 17th birthday right before you give birth is not the happy ending that so many dumb tweens watching 16 & Pregnant think it is. Maci gave it the old college try, but turns out that spending your life with a monosyllabic man-child who has no interest in being a “teen dad” is not really good for anyone. Even lil Bentley. Maci, relationship troubs aside, loved being a mom and felt like she had really good instincts right from the jump and didn’t need Rhiiiine’s bullshit anyway. Continue reading