SO Juicy Joe has entered the big house, and Tre is now a single parent to her gaggle of Italian Jon Benets and life is stressful af, yo. Shockingly, this book is not super organized in terms of order. Tre lashes out at Joe repeatedly and then intermixes that with sweet stories of their relationship in the “good times” before they were caught for all of their financial crimes. At the beginning of the book, I was POSITIVE that Teresa was going to divorce Joe (and leave him for her lawyer- she has total mentionitis with him and constantly mentions their conversations and he seems to be present in every part of her life, not just her many legal issues), but then she talks about him with the same reverence she had in the last book. I mean, I understand that marriage and relationships are complicated, but Tre is a pretttttttty simple person and seems to be very black and white, and has finally realized that Joe ruined their lives, caused her to be in prison for most of the last year of her mother’s life, and is an alcoholic pig who hasn’t taken responsibility for ANYTHING. Ditch him, Tre!
Next, up a VERY eye inducing segment about why Teresa LOVES Donald Trump so much. I mean, does this shock you? The Trumps are EXACTLY the people that the Giudices look up to and think are VERY CLASSY. Tre was on Celebrity Apprentice and The Donald was nice to her and her kids and Ivanka like told her she was pretty once or something, so they are TOTALLY qualified to run the free world! Because CLASS. Also, Tre couldn’t vote in this election because she was on parole or whatever, but #MAGA!
Ugh, moving on from that dumpster fire. The next few chapters are like a sad teen’s diary entries. Teresa basically details the last weeks of her mother’s life, mixed in with reading Instagram post captions she liked (no, really) and describing outfits and make-up she wore. She also talks about how even though her mother and her father were both in two different hospitals for months, and she was trying to keep everything together, she had to keep filming and working because she has to support her family. You find yourself starting to nod along, feeling real sympathy fro Tre until you suddenly remember that they are in this mess for committing real crimes and THIS IS THEIR FAULT. Oh, and also, she is hustling to keep their GIGANTIC house out of the evil government’s clutches. I mean, that sucker is 20,000 square feet of ugly faux Italian nonsense, furnished with piece Teresa paid for in cash to impress viewers in the first season. If she REALLY wanted to not have to work so hard, maybe they could sell that hot mess and move into something a little less insane?!
So anyway, if you watched the first episode of this season of RHONJ, you saw that Tre & Joe’s mom finally did pass away from complications of pneumonia. Not to be insensitive, but can we talk about this episode for a moment? Margaret with the pigtails?! Siggy seemingly losing her fucking mind?! Me actually LIKING Tre and Melissa the best? Dolores and her many gyms and her son with his many abs?! I haven’t been very into Jersey in the past few years (HATED that weirdo alternate universe twin season and barely watched it), but after OC being such a snoozer, I think Jersey is back, baby! Anyway, insensitive segue over, back to Antonia Gorga. So everything is very sad. Tre lists everyone who came to the funeral (I mean, she really did. “Priscilla Some Italian Last Name, my make-up artist, her husband,”) and also all the food they had at the reception after (“appetizers, entrees, salads, desserts”). She does say Danielle Satub didn’t come because they had just started speaking again, which was the classy thing to do. Dina Manzo flew in and surprised her. Dina’s insane SIL and Tre’s main nemesis, Jacqueline Laurita, texted Teresa her condolences. At first, Teresa says this is nice but over the next few sentences changes her mind and decides it’s super fake, just like Jackie. Next up, the final two hours of this thing. I have no idea what is left to say. Maybe some lists of songs Teresa has listened to? Things Juicy Joe likes to buy at the commissary? THE WORLD IS OUR OYSTER!