So where were we? Ah yes, still here, somehow. Now we move into the portion of the book I like to call “Teresa Describes Parties She Throws and Attends and Also Vacations She Has Gone On and What She Wore and Ate and Did Not Eat and Also Who Was There and Was Not There.” It is as compelling as it sounds! First, as we will see this season on RHONJ, the women go to Milan. Teresa almost doesn’t get to go because her father went back into the hospital, but ended up making it in just the nick of time. Mi donna mia, as she would say! Anyway, imagine Teresa reading you a “what I did on my summer vacation” report on her trip to Italy in a very monotone voice while sleepily throwing in facts about Milan. Like that she named Milania that because she was pregnant with her in Italy. Speaking of, where has Milania been in this book? I need more of her!
Although it seems like Melissa and Teresa are buddy buddy again, she still throws shaaaaaade at her in little ways throughout the book. She mentions that only “some” of Melissa’s family came to her mother’s funeral, but “all” of Joe Giudice’s came (um, minus the man himself, but tomato, tomahto). After discussing the restaurant her brother opened, Teresa said Melissa isn’t into, just her clothing store Envy that “is doing pretty good, I think.” Ringing endorsement from the SIL! Finally, she mentions that Melissa gives her the UGLIEST, TACKIEST zebra-printed birthday cake. Dude, Tre, if I had to buy you a cake, I would think ANY animal print would be right up your alley. Even though you aspire to be her (prison and everything!), you are NOT Martha Stewart.
There is something oddly soothing about listening to Teresa describe parties and outfits. Maybe it’s because she sounds like the Jersey version of the Peanuts teacher, but hearing her say things like “gawjus silver bandage dress” and “lowts and lowts of Swarovski crystals” is just relaxing. I imagine it is like listening to a woman at your office one cube over describing her tacky wedding in detail on the phone all day. At first, it is annoying af, but eventually you somehow get invested and you start wondering if Destiney WILL stop being such a bitch or will she be OUT as a bridesmaid and what IS classier, glitter napkins or hot pink lace napkins?
As the book begins to wrap up (grazie al a dio! I am LEARNING), Tre starts to reflect on her life since the show began and how her marriage has changed. Wait, haven’t we been doing this like the whole fucking time? Anyway, a lot of it is just rehashed statements (she is mad at Joe for not being responsible, she is mad for missing time with her mom, she misses her mom, she is stressed, she wore a beautiful green sparkly dress to that Christening where Joe’s mom and brother were there, but not his sister because she had another party to go to), but she does tell another very interesting tale that basically explains EVERYTHING you need to know about Joe Giudice (well, if you have to know SOMETHING). Basically, after Milania was born, he decided he wanted to have a son. Way to not be a cliché, Joe! So even though Teresa had no problems getting pregnant with their first three kids, they went through invitro so that they could only put boy embryos in her. They put in three (could you even IMAGINE what would have happened if Teresa Giudice had triplets!?!??!?!?!?!??!? Oh the velour tracksuits alone!) but none of them took. And because Joe was mad about the failure, he didn’t think he should have to pay for it so he didn’t. And the company put a lien on their house that they finally paid off last year. But God did grant them another child- their daughter Audriana. LOL
Anyway, Tre still loves Joe even though he fucked up everything but she has no idea what the future holds. She talks about each daughter and what she thinks they will end up doing (she thinks Gia will be a lawyer, which confirms my long-term theory that she is Meadow Soprano. Does this make Milania AJ?) and talks about her plans to basically put her name on anything you could buy, from shoes to house “sess-ries.” Teresa really cannot say the word “accessories.”