Like all good entrepreneurs who have exhausted every other income/product stream (I mean seriously? there is Skinnygirl deli meat now), Bethenny Frankel must now write children’s books. What a weird way for her to go- for someone who is so OBSESSED with her “brand,” which is basically aggressive female hysteria and low-cal booze- a super girly kids book?
Um, you guys, I have been wanting to try Tipsy Girl wine since Sonja came UP with her cheater brand scheme. However, after going from website to website to website to try to even FIND the effing thing, I found out they are out of the Prosecco AND that they can’t currently ship to my flyover state. GODAMMIT. I mean, I am really not that surprised… Sonja never came out with her toaster oven cookbook, which is one of the tragedies of all of our lives.
Even though I think the original Skinnygirl margarita is too sour and best in very small doses (much like Bethenny herself), I thought that the white peach version might actually be delicious. It sounds so refreshing and summer-y, right? After all, I did genuinely like the Skinnygirl White Cranberry Cosmo, even though that was mostly due to the fact that it just looked like straight up water (#tricky) so maybe the peach version of the marg would be surprisingly delicious? Continue reading
THANK YOU JESUS, we have finally reached the end. One last pretentious installment of our bilingual snowflakes are better than yours! First, after casually mentioning that their townhouse was photographed for New York Magazine, Alex says that she didn’t even notice that Johan had colored all over the walls until she saw the photos. Um, you didn’t notice that there was fucking crayon drawings all over your walls the day you are getting your house photographed for a magazine? Continue reading
Ugh, are we still reading this? Anyway, Alex and Simon have “spirited” children (anyone who saw them on Real Housewives of New York may have another adjective for them) and you know what? Alex doesn’t give a shit if they are “nice.” Um, okay. I get you can’t control your children’s personalities, but I think raising kids to be kind isn’t some trendy nonsense that Alex and Simon are above. There are a bunch of super boring anecdotes no one gives a shit about (Johan took Francios’s coloring book! Mon dieu!) and then Alex goes on a long weird tangent about how even though she was raised in the midwest, she is still totes classy and urban. Her father was in the oil business and so they HAD to live in Kansas after he bought “hundreds of acres.” Calm down, Dorothy. But they also had a house in the Caribbean, so don’t you DARE think Alex isn’t cultured. Continue reading
So now we all know that Alex and Simon are better than all of us and their kids are the most bi-coastal, cultured and well-traveled tots OF ALL TIME. You don’t have a name like Johan Van Kempen and eat McDonalds, playa. But they are still little scamps, just like your kids! In fact, one time, Johan thought the Hamptons was a country! Continue reading
YOU GUYS, I am sure you have heard by now that Bravo’s number one try-hard Jill Zarin is going to appear on the next season of Real Housewives of New York. In the words of other famous New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder… whatever happened to resident weirdos Alex and Simon? Continue reading
You guys,something pretty funny happened… Kelly Bensimon liked ALL of my instagram posts about her and even commented with some heart emojis… Methinks she didn’t read any of my posts because I basically call her a crazy person who doesn’t know how to read… well, maybe she had her intern “read” it to her and she just heard the good parts! Like she is thin and good at jogging amongst moving vehicles. Continue reading
Now we get to the boring-eat (usually) part of every make over your life book- how to dress yourself. I only say that it is boring in that EVERY book is exactly the same! Don’t wear trends! Find what works for YOUR body! Buy these classic pieces! Find a great tailor! BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHRGG. BUT I will say that Kelly shared an great anecdote about Madonna ignoring her when she was still carrying her baby weight after he second baby. Madonna had just had Rocco and was skinny and fit af and Kelly’s ex-husband NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER Gilles Bensimon was taking her photo for the cover of ELLE magazine. Kelly was wearing a big ol fat shirt and looked like shit and Madonna wouldn’t talk to her. NO IDEA what this has to do with dressing yourself, but it was a good story regardless. Continue reading
YOU GUYS I finally found the RIGHT Kelly Bensimon (I’m sorry, I mean Kelly Killoran Bensimon, or KKB as she sometimes refers to herself) book on how to be hot af! I once accidentally bought another book by KKB called The Bikini Book that was actually just a book about bikinis and pictures of them and shit. (you can read all about my shame here) This time I CAN FINALLY learn all of KKB’s secrets! Like be 6 feet tall and be naturally skinny and beautiful! Continue reading