Gretchen Rossi’s… Website? Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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listen you guys, it’s the sounds of Gretchen’s “career!” image source: giphy.com

You guys, I must admit that while it has been a LONG time since Gretchen and Slade were in the Bravo family, I find myself wondering what they are up to.  Not enough to watch any other terrible show that will have them, but like really curious as to what they do on a day-to-day basis.  What do you think a day in the Rossi-Smiley (sidenote: has there ever been or will there ever be a better reality name than Slade Smiley?  The fact that he is a broke former real estate developer from Orange County couldn’t be more perfect either.  He is the personification of how being on a reality show is a total house of cards) looks like?  I bet Slade spends his mornings googling himself and watching clips from that awful reality show he was on with his ex-fiancée Jo De La Rosa.  I saw her once when I was hiking Runyon and she was talking SO LOUDLY hoping people would notice her.

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and like you AND your skinny eyebrows, all of these things are now irrelevant. image source: giphy.com

Anyway, we all know that Gretch is probably SUPES busy, um, picking different eye shadow shades to make her UGG collection, but she has somehow found the time to add more items to her ILLUSTRIOUS collection over at shopgretchenchristine.com (which is different than gretchenchristine.com and also different than gretchenchristinebeaute.com).  You guys, you HAVE to go to her website just to see how fucking horribly it is formatted.  NOTHING makes any sense and the photos are either so pixilated and tiny or ENORMOUS.  Like Gretchen herself, it is a tacky, gaudy blinged-out mess.  VERY on brand for Miss Rossi.

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dur dur durrrrrrr I got fired. image source: giphy.com

ONTO the goods!

First up, Gretchen has expanded into a new area that we are DIDN’T even know we needed!  I mean, when I woke up this morning, there definitely was a gaping hole in my heart but I didn’t know what I needed to fill it.  That was until I headed over to my favorite online store (lol for infinity) and saw these hot little numbers:

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WUT… is this? image source: shopgretchenchristine.com

I don’t know what my favorite part is… the big fucking Hobby Lobby flower or the woman and child in the background of this “photoshoot” building a sandcastle.  This is the level of professionalism going on at a Gretchen Rossi “shoot.”  People who you KNOW didn’t sign anything saying Gretchen could use their image to sell clothes and a photo editor who thought, “yep, nailed it with this one!” and no one with the ability to photoshop the “extras” out of the shot.  I imagine that this “model” will not be using this shot in her book.  Tyra Banks would have a conniption fit if she saw this nonsense.  BUT at least I figured out what I think Gretchen does all day: use a hot glue gun!

You know how you want to show people you are well-traveled and shit and all of your Hardrock Café t-shirts are in the wash?  NEVER FEAR, GR has you covered!

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the phone booths are… confusing. are they about to get hauled away? image source: shopgretchenchristine.com

I don’t think you could make a more unflattering skirt if you tried.  You know how ladies are always complaining that they can’t find ANY clothing with gigantic photos of fancy European cities on them that will make their hips look super wide and cut their legs off mid-calf?  WELL you can have this hot little piece for the LOW LOW price of only $67.50, which is 50% off the original price of $135.00 which is 100% cukoo bananas.

Next up, something so fucking stupid I can barely even talk about it.

I feel like this is a plot device in a movie.  Like the main character has to placate the kooky wife of her stern boss and the kooky wife fancies herself to be an “artist.”  The main character has to do shit like tell her she is talented and buy her awful crafts in the hopes of one day getting promoted but the stern boss just fucks her over.  SO the main character starts her OWN company and throws away all of the shitty crafts in front of the stern boss and screams “your wife is a whore who can’t bedazzle for SHIT!”  Anyway, this is the salt and pepper shakers the kooky wife would make:

 

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please pass the cyanide. image source: shopgretchenchristine.com

This shit is FIFTY DOLLARS.  FIFTY.  I would like you to take another look at this and think about that for awhile.

And like every time I go to Gretchen Rossi’s website, I go through all of the emotions: first, anticipation of the garbage that lies ahead.  Then confusion as I attempt to navigate the worst website since The Situation’s live journal.  Then glee as I discover all the new gems Gretchen is attempting to (but never will) sell.  Then horror as I see the price tags.  Then anger and disgust as I remember that Slade quit paying child support for his son that had brain cancer and realize that he is actually probably sitting on his ass reading my other posts making fun of Gretchen rather than getting a job at Wendys and I immediately have to click off.  God I hope these two never have baby mostly because I fear a. what they would name it and b. how many scratches the poor thing would get from all of its bedazzled bottles.

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Gretchen, sweetie, following them around in a heavily leased pink Volkswagon bug doesn’t mean you guys are in the same universe. image source: tumblr.com

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Gretchen Rossi’s… Website? Part Three

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