The Countess Collection: A Review

countess 1

“buy my shit or don’t. whatever. pass the bottle.” image source: giphy.com

Oh, Countess LuAnn.  You are truly the gift that keeps on giving.  After ditching her holier than thou attitude post-divorce from the Count, LuAnn’s weird reemergence as a hard-partying sixth-year senior (who is not going to graduate this semester, no matter what her bitch stepmom says) who is so clearly OVER it all is AMAZING.  I mean, her music career alone!  I could listen to “Money Can’t Buy You Class” on an endless loop forever and be so so happy.

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I mean, how can you not die happy after seeing this? image source: tumblr.com

But even with all of my LuAnn love, I could not force myself to buy a piece from “The Countess Collection.”  I mean, THESE CLOHTES!  We all know Lulu loves her a chunky necklace and a GOWN.

lu lu necklace

I mean, to me it looks like more of a medical device than a necklace, but I have never written a book about CLASS so what do I know? image source: hamptons-magazine.com

However, “The Countess Collection” does not look fit for a… homeless person with marginally mediocre taste.  It claims that you will “experience the sleek and royally chic” life by wearing these clothes.  Now, I haven’t (and will never, God willing) wear these items, but I’d bet ya a bottle of Tipsy Girl (side note: can’t wait to try that mess) that you will not experience the sleek and royally chic life in… these clothes.

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I apologize LuAnn, but these clothes? AS IF you would’ve worn them in your heyday. Or ever. image source: girlwithnojob.com

So, the Countess clearly needs a paycheck, and I can’t fault her for that.  Onto the clothes…

So, first up, there’s this…

lulu jumosuit

why yes, this is all one piece!  isn’t it SO CHIC?! image source: evine.com

It basically looks like toddler pajamas with a blankie attached (which is actually sort of GENIUS as you would never accidentally forget the blanket at home!  note to self: get on this idea immediately).  Who is this outfit for?  Where on earth would you wear this?  Adult pajama day at work?  Somewhere that your left arm would stay toasty but your right arm has a weird sling thingy to warm it up if needed?  A rib-eating contest, as you have a built-in bib (plus you don’t give a shit if you ruin this horrible outfit with sauce splatters?)

I’m at a loss.  But that little number can be yours for $36.60.

Don’t worry!  That wasn’t the only jumpsuit in this “collection.”

lulu lacve

me-ow! image source: evine.com

It looks like what you would wear to a casino if you were broke af and were planning to pretend to play slots to get free drinks.

The description reassures you that this hot piece is “fully-lined.”  I mean… did you think it wasn’t going to be?  Like it would just be lace and nothing underneath?

luann close up

girl, I wouldn’t put it past the “new” LuAnn. image source: giphy.com

You know how you can NEVER find anything to wear to your coven events to impress your fellow witches?  Well, you are IN LUCK!

lu ann witch

I’ve got a trick or two up these fancy sleeves!  HA HA HA nope. image source: evine.com

Unfortunately, this beautiful top only has one review and it is not good.  Apparently, the person who bought it says it looks like it was cut out of a cheap lace tablecloth in person (which, to be fair, is exactly how it looks in the photo).  I bet I know one housewife who would be interested…

carlton

carlton, it can be yours for only $39.72! the prices here are weird af. image source: wifflegif.com

Overall, all of these clothes just look super cheap and incredibly unflattering.   Maybe the Countess’s next Collection really will allow us to live the chic and royal life that she used to, but this one… swing and a miss.

uncool

sorry lu, but your tropical gaucho pants are one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. image source: eonline.com

 

4 thoughts on “The Countess Collection: A Review

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