Life is Not a Reality Show: Part One

1

I could’ve taken a better photo where Kyle’s face wasn’t whited out, but nahhh….

Oh Kyle Richards, you zany Becky with the good hair!  What can we say about Kyle that she hasn’t already said herself.  She was born to be on reality television, as with the rest of her family: Kyle’s niece, Paris Hilton, was the queen of the blonde-haired, no-brained nonsense party girls of the early aughts, and her sister, former RHOBH castmate, Kim Richards is the sad combination of drug-addled and clueless that normally is shown on shows like Hoarders or Intervention.  Kyle is just the plain ol’ narcissistic beautiful person who loves saying she hates drama almost as much as she actually loves drama.

kyle richards signature

I would just like to give a shout-out to Free State books, who sold me this gem for the price of $0.01 and didn’t even MENTION that it was signed! #dreamscancometrue #shessoluckyshesastar

SO basically, the point of this book is for Kyle to tell everyone how she keeps it real, y’all!  She is JUST like you even though you won’t possibly believe that as someone as perfect and beautiful and flexible as she is couldn’t possibly have to do things like go to the grocery store!

Or does she?

emma stone shocked giphy

whaaaaaaaaaaat! image source: giphy.com

Right off the bat, Kyle brags that she is the only one of the Beverly Hills ladies who is down to earth.  After all, she was the only one who had any idea of what a gallon of milk costs, as she proved on the RHOBH reunion (even though she got it wrong, she was the only one who had any idea!).

kyle richards hamburger gif

“stars!” they’re just like us! image source: giphy.com

Again with so many of the housewives’ books, it seems like Kyle would’ve benefited from waiting a few years after her success to write a “memoir” or whatever this is.  So many of these women get a great edit the first season, get so smug and write manuals for living their lifestyle and then crash and burn after a season where they incorrectly accuse someone of faking an illness or complain about having too many people on their staff.  Kyle hasn’t really had too many issues, but Mario was accused of cheating on her and it became an entire story line, so…. I dunno, I always take marriage advice from reality stars with a grain of salt (or an entire fucking dump truck of salt, MELISSA GORGA) as it seems like 99% of them end up having super horrible divorces after one of them gets more famous than the other (or the show gets cancelled).

Kyle recommends that when picking your partner, MAKE SURE he pays for everything.  There is no exception to this.  If he wants to go dutch or doesn’t immediately punch you in the face for trying to throw $5 on it, in the words of Samantha Jones, “dump him.  Dump him immediately.  Here, use my phone.”

samantha jones pants

now how great would SAM be on RHONY?  omg. image source: tumblr.com

I mean, whatever floats your boat, but these women (and by that, I mean Bravolebs) always seem to be (shockingly) so obsessed with men showing love with material things.

Listen to this shit and tell me this doesn’t sound like THE biggest bunch of bullshit ever:  so, this book is brimming with weird little side bars and pull-quotes that makes it look like I designed it in 11th newspaper class in 2000.  It’s hard to read and weird and homegirl loves herself a swirly font (of course she does).  So anyway, she tells a story about how you should always be honest with your partner and Mauricio ALWAYS, like ALWAYS is except this one time you guys.

Jon-Hamm-Sure-Thing

uh huh… image source: gifrific.com

So, ol’ Mo is basically the Mexican George Washington, only lied this one time.  He went out to lunch with Kyle’s friend and she told him that she was cheating on her husband and not to tell Kyle, so he didn’t.  Then said friend got into a big fight with the boyfriend and Mauricio went and picked her up at 2 am when Kyle was out of town.  Mauricio (I keep wanting to write Mario, probably because this sounds like some bullshit Mario Singer told Ramona when he was balls deep in that other girl) is just too nice, you guys!  He finally told Kyle and she got really mad, but after all, it was just her husband being SO nice that he went to go get her friend at two in the morning?

j law okay

sure, Kyle, this seems totes legit. image source: giphy.com

Moving on to her childhood (this book jumps ALL over the place), Kyle lets us know that again, she is just like us plebs, as she too slept in bed with her mother, Big Kathy (best nickname of ALL TIME) until she was fifteen.  You know, how one does.  This was a result of Kyle having been in Halloween and Halloween II as a child actress and she was scared shitless for life, apparently.  Better than being a meth head, I guess (sorry Kim).  Big Kathy also taught Kyle how to handle herself with “class,” something that is clearly an important value in that family.

kim richards slut pig

brb, going to.. hang out in the bathroom for awhile. image source: giphy.com

Next, Kyle talks about meeting Mauricio and it’s very zzzzz.  Basically, his family hated her because she was older than him, divorced, not Jewish and had a child.  But she won them over!  The end.  Honestly, you can feel Kyle’s smugness just radiating from the pages.

Next up, we will discuss MORE big Kathy!  I can’t wait to learn more about the woman that gave birth to Kyle, whatever Kim Richards is, and Paris Hilton’s mom.

kyle smug

run, Gabrielle, RUN! image source: giphy.com

One thought on “Life is Not a Reality Show: Part One

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