PURE ELEGANCE.

You guys, did you know that the OG real housewife, screaming briefcase of blonde hair extensions Vicki Gunvalson is also a PERFUMER?  (yes, I had to google that shit, don’t judge me).  Oh yes, Vicki has been a real housewife for nearly ELEVEN years.  Can you believe that?  In between horrible boyfriends and SO MUCH BUSINESS, Vicki has managed to stay relevant (lol) enough for Andy Cohen to keep her around.  Unlike so many lesser women, Vicki just can’t get enough of looking like a batshit crazy person, horrible mother and, of course, IMPORTANT BUSINESS WOMAN on our televisions.

i mean, right? image source: tumblr.com

Unlike so many of her wife sisters (sister wives?), Vicki actually hasn’t put out that many products.  There was that weird failed wine venture with Tamra that went belly up because those two cannot be friends for more than a season and an awful-sounding book called More than a Housewife written pre-Donn (TWO N’S) divorce that I have legit owned for 6 months but cannot force myself to ready (can someone come over and read it to me so I can get that juju out of my house? k thx bye), but as far as I can tell, no shitty clothing line or terrible cookbook.  What kind of housewife nonsense is this?!

so i guess you have been busy with other things. image source: wifflegif.com

So when my BFF texted to inform me that she saw that Vicki had a perfume for sale or TWELVE dollars on amazon, I jumped all over it.  Now, this BFF has always been a Vicki apologist for some reason, but I will give her a pass as that level of commitment is impressive.  Now, this perfume does not seem like a twelve dollar perfume.  Oh no.  It seems like it is worth much, much less than that.

yes, Vicki, we all know, COTO INSURANCE! image source: perezhilton.com

When you open that cheap sparkly box that looks like it was designed from a kindergarten’s drawing of SOMETHING FANCY, the smell of the “perfume” PUNCHES YOU IN THE FACE.  I actually gasped and dropped the fucking thing, which THANK GOD did not break all over my dining room or I would have had to move.  Once this, uh, scent gets into carpet, I imagine, like Vicki herself, it ain’t going nowhere.

but not vicki.  never vicki. image source: bustle.com

The smell of this perfume is… oh god, are there even words?  It’s just throat-burning-ly, eye watering-ly, can’t unring that bell-ingly horrible.  I wouldn’t even spray it into the air as just taking a hit off of the pump was enough to make me want to throw the box in a drawer and burn down my house.  I am honestly surprised that it is this bad.  Vicki is a lot of things, but I don’t think she is stupid.  And although she does seem very money focused, is she so hard up for cash that she NEEDED to put out this garbage dump of a perfume?  Did Brooks steal more than just Vicki’s four remaining fans?  Did he also steal hundreds of thousands of Vicki’s hard earned insurance/reality dollars?  WHY oh WHY would she cheapen her brand selling a fucking TWELVE DOLLAR bottle of perfume?

you are too if you wear this shit anywhere around another human being. image source: wet paint.com

Googling “Vicki Gunvalson broke” just results in a bunch of articles about her ill-fated romance with cancer-faker Brooks Ayers (never trust a man with plural first name).  WHAT IS THE DEAL?  Anyway, this will make you laugh.  Ol’ perfectionist Vicki must’ve forgotten to do any quality assurance of the packaging of her glorious perfume:

ruh roh.

Yes, friends, your eyes do not deceive you: that is the “silver” on the cap just flaking completely off.  I mean there is shitty quality and then there is looks like it came from a $3 “surprise box” I bought at Gadzooks in 1996 that I was disappointed with.  What kind of fuckery is this?!  Also, methinks Vicki perhaps realized the quality of this wasn’t too great as she basically tried to mutilate her own name so badly that mayhems you wouldn’t think it was hers:

I present to you, Vigil Gravelton!

If you squint at the box, it could be Alexis Jesus Jugs or Gretchen Rossi… or really, any of the real housewives of Orange County minus Heather or Jeana Keaugh.  Oh well, let’s never speak of this again.