I just hope this doesn’t literally kill me.

I’M BACK, BITCHES!  It’s been a hot minute, but I guess my kids got in the way of my dreams of writing about Snooki and Sonja Morgan’s clothing lines (THINK ABOUT IF THE TWO OF THEM OPENED A CLOTHING BOUTIQUE TOGETHER. JUST THINK ABOUT IT), but I am back with a HOT OFF THE PRESSES review of the wine from messiest trio of ladies in their 30s since…. other ladies on Bravo who are now in their 40s and 50s (Vicki/Tamara/Shannon; Tre/Melissa/Danielle Staub-OfMarty-OfOliver, etc.) were in their 30s.  That’s right: Witches of Weho Potion Number One!

lollllzzzzzz j/k j/k j/k j/k image source: okhereisthesituation.com

My wonderful WCBFF (west-coast BFF, for those not in the know, she of the fabulous Cut Fitness review and fellow PUMP attendee) had purchased the wine in anticipation of my last trip to LA.  Based on LITERALLY all of the other booze I have tried for this site (Brandi Glanville’s Barf-donnay, Lisa Vanderpump’s Capri Sun masquerading as a wine-type beverage, Giuliana Rancic’s Rancid Juice), I was absolutely NOT looking forward to trying this.  First of all, unlike the Witches, I HAAAAAATE pinot grigio with the passion of a thousand suns. I hate it as much as Ramona Singer loves it. (Sidenote- has anyone ever seen Ramona Pinot Grigio?  Or like has a case of it on hand? I am so curious about what kind of fucking awful it is.  Hit me up!) I hate it more than everyone hates James Kennedy. I hate it more than Katie Maloney hates EVERYTHING except liquid eyeliner and sitting on her shitty couch in kimonos.  I hate it more than I hate Dorit, which is saying SOME SHIT.

justice for juicy lucy apple juicy rucie or whatever the fuck that dog’s name was, you whore. image source: giphy.com

BUT, like so many other selfless people before me, I must make sacrifices for the better good.  So even in my hungover state, my WCBFF and cracked (unscrewed) a bottle of the POTION NUMBER ONE (not terrible branding, tbh).  We had plans to head to TomTom afterward, just to make it a full on touristy/horrible evening (although, she had been before and said the drinks are actually really good!  Although the frozen shots are not really a thing, so SORRY TOM SANDOVAL, you were overruled by Lisa ONCE AGAIN!  insert gif of Lisa stroking her swan whilst smiling manically).  But I digress!

actual photo of me, my WCBFF, and fucking Katie Maloney and her bloody shoes.

I am actually surprised it took the girls this long to come out with a product like this.  The VPR kids (kids!  Jax is like 75 years old) have always been pretty light on the merch side of the biz.  Kristin had her TERRIBLE vegetarian website, Stassi has her often problematic podcast, and Lisa has all of her shit, but beyond Kristin’s stupid fucking t-shirts no one wants, DIFF eyewear, flat tummy tea, Memaw’s beer cheese/Ariana’s cocktail book (aka things that will never come to fruition), but they really haven’t come out with much.  Stassi did write a book, which I do intend to review in April, but I got to tell ya, I got about 3% of the way into Erika Jayne’s book and noped my way right out of there.  But booze?  Even bad booze?  That I can deal with. #saint

I think I like Erika more in theory than in practice. Also her lewks often give me Goldie/Meryl in Death Becomes Her vibes (WHICH IS A COMPLIMENT OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!) image source: giphy.com

Okay, I have delayed enough.  I know you are just DYING to hear how bad this shit was.  Well, you sir are going to be DISAPPOINTED because it was totally… fine?  I mean, was it good?  lol no.  But was it BAD?  No?  I mean, basically, if you like pinot grigio, you will like this.  It was 100% fine as far as basic (using that word a lot, but it is very applicable here you see).  I was actually 50% disappointed it wasn’t just straight up liquid fruit acid and 50% IMPRESSED that these messy hoes actually put out something that they at least shouldn’t be embarrassed by!  Am I tearing up?  Wait, how much booze is in this?

oh fuck you, scheana, who isn’t? image source: thehollywoodgossip.com

Speaking of terrible things like Scheana Shay-Marie-Parks-Valleta (rip Rob), I love that these ladies did capitalize on one of my favorite Vanderpump Rules lines ever:

well played, bitches.

NOW I will say that we drank one glass, called it a shoulder-shrugger and promptly abandoned the bottle to go to TomTom (which, sadly, didn’t happen, and I will tell the saga soon, once I get over my heartbreak).  We ended up finishing it at the end of the night, but not sure that would’ve happened if it wasn’t already open or we hadn’t already drank all of the other wine, but we did finish the bottle!  I graciously (lol) let WCBFF keep the other bottle “to use in sangria, or something? or cooking? or when it is 2 am and you remember that you DO, in fact, have one more bottle of wine!” but this might actually make a fun gift for VPR fans who don’t mind basic wine.  The end.

once more, for the cheap seats. oh hey, scheana’s old face, how you livin? image source: giphy.com