Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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thank you, Jesus. image source: pinterest.com

So, put down that bottle of beer.  It’s time to be a LADY, y’all.  And you can’t be lazy, but also don’t work too hard.  And have fun and be sassy but not TOO sassy.   And do all of this (in moderation, missy) with not a hair out of place.  Um, what?  I am not sure how anyone is supposed to gain anything from this.  Phaedra also recommends NOT putting it all out there and practice some modesty in dressing.  Um…

WHAT.

Has she not seen her own vacation looks?

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Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part One

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please ignore my nail polish. i’m not a southern belle yet.

As you may know, Phaedra Parks is my favorite real housewife.  EVER.  I can’t get enough of her REDONK vacation looks, numerous careers, her KIDS (omg her children are the most adorbs kids of all the real housewife offspring), her one-liners… she has even managed to make me like Porsha more than I used to, which is a feat in itself.

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Little Kids, Big City: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

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Pssshhht, Jill WISHES she were Regina George. image source: bustle.com

THANK YOU JESUS, we have finally reached the end.  One last pretentious installment of our bilingual snowflakes are better than yours!  First, after casually mentioning that their townhouse was photographed for New York Magazine, Alex says that she didn’t even notice that Johan had colored all over the walls until she saw the photos.  Um, you didn’t notice that there was fucking crayon drawings all over your walls the day you are getting your house photographed for a magazine? Continue reading

Little Kids, Big City: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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alex isn’t like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom! image source: world lifestyle.com

Ugh, are we still reading this?  Anyway, Alex and Simon have “spirited” children (anyone who saw them on Real Housewives of New York may have another adjective for them) and you know what?  Alex doesn’t give a shit if they are “nice.”  Um, okay.  I get you can’t control your children’s personalities, but I think raising kids to be kind isn’t some trendy nonsense that Alex and Simon are above.  There are a bunch of super boring anecdotes no one gives a shit about (Johan took Francios’s coloring book!  Mon dieu!) and then Alex goes on a long weird tangent about how even though she was raised in the midwest, she is still totes classy and urban.  Her father was in the oil business and so they HAD to live in Kansas after he bought “hundreds of acres.”  Calm down, Dorothy.  But they also had a house in the Caribbean, so don’t you DARE think Alex isn’t cultured. Continue reading

Little Kids, Big City: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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now THAT is friendship. image source: tumblr.com

So now we all know that Alex and Simon are better than all of us and their kids are the most bi-coastal, cultured and well-traveled tots OF ALL TIME.  You don’t have a name like Johan Van Kempen and eat McDonalds, playa.  But they are still little scamps, just like your kids!  In fact, one time, Johan thought the Hamptons was a country! Continue reading

Little Kids, Big City: Part One

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LOOK AT SIMON’S FACE. image source: amazon.com

YOU GUYS, I am sure you have heard by now that Bravo’s number one try-hard Jill Zarin is going to appear on the next season of Real Housewives of New York.  In the words of other famous New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder… whatever happened to resident weirdos Alex and Simon? Continue reading

Wives, Fiancees & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part Four

missed part one, part two, or part three? check em out!

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i love that Sheree put zero effort into changing anything about her life minus changing her name and being with an NBA player instead of an NFL star. image source: wifflegif.com

We finally reached the end, y’all!  THANK YOU LAWD.  This book was fun and all, but like binge watching a horrid season of Real Housewives, eventually you get sick of grown women acting ridiculous and you just want to dip back into real life.  But with the current political landscape, maybe not!  Bring it on, Andy!  Do your worst! Continue reading

Wives, Fiancees & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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chateau sheree might not be finished but it AIN’T a budget home! image source: perezhilton.com

SO now that Sasha has slept with Terrence, she is very nervous about everything thinking that she is a ho.  Norman certainly doesn’t help matters and advises Sasha to never expect to hear from him again.  Friendship!  Sasha tries to not think of Terrence but get back to SASHA and SASHA’S very important dreams of her very own fashion empire.  I think I would talk about this less (and laugh less) if She by Sheree had been the success Sheree is implying it was.  Girl, you didn’t even have finished samples at your fashion show! Continue reading

Wives, Fiancees & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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she is a BUSINESS LADY. image source: tumblr.com

WHERE WERE WE?

Honey, Sasha is better than everyone around her, but she is not there to judge.  She even becomes friends with Casey, her co-worker at the law firm she works at (where she is SO GOOD at time management, she even sketches fashions and works on her BUSINESS PLAN when she is done working on law stuff) even though Casey is married to a baller.  People in the At- I mean HOTlanta elite are very obsessed with sports stars.  I mean, obviously, as Sheree herself, Lisa Wu Hartwell, Kim Zolciak, DeShawn Snow, Porsha Williams etc. were all married to NBA or NFL players.  God, remember DeShawn?  Poor thing, so miscast. Continue reading