uncharted terriTORI: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

tori 6.gif

it’s hard out there for an overprivileged girl. image source: primogif.com

So, you know when your estranged mother, your husband’s ex-wife and you all have books coming out within 6 months of each other?  And you aren’t speaking with either of them but you all talk a ton of shit about each other in your respective books?  No?  Well then you don’t know Tori’s PAIN.  Anyway, even though Candy Spelling was being like so unfair about EVERYTHING, Tori wanted her mom to have a relationship with her kids, so she did what every normal person does: she sent them over with the nanny.  Tori wanted her mom to see how much her son Liam was like her father- and you know that’s true because a psychic told her.  Another psychic told her that her daughter Stella would have a special connection with Tori’s deceased pug, Mimi La Rue.  Man, how does one get the job of being Tori Spelling’s psychic?  Apparently all you need is an internet connection and with some light googling, you’ll likely be set for life.  Or you would have back in 2010, as Tori doesn’t pay her bills anymore: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/tori-spelling-must-pay-amex-nearly-39k-in-unpaid-bills-w443227.

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“whatever, let’s go shop on Melrose.” image source: primogif.com

So Tori’s kids had fun with her mom, but Tori is not ready to fully repair that relationship yet.  Speaking of feuds, did you know that basically every cast member of 90210 hates her with the exception of Jennie Garth?  I know you are positively SHOCKED by that news.  You guys, even freaking ON-drea hates her.  Tori saw Gabriella Carteras at a sushi restaurant and she snubbed her.  That’s gotta hurt.


what’s up NOW, Donna? image source: giphy.com

Tori doesn’t really say why each cast member hates her except she heard a few of them were upset with one of her books (Shannen Doherty even called it a book of LIES!  L’horreur!) and that Tiffani Amber Thiessen had sided with Charlie, Tori’s ex husband, when they got divorced.  Nothing is really resolved here, but when Ian Ziering hates your guts, it might time to do some self reflection.

One thing I really hate about this book is Tori’s OBVIOUS hypochondria and how basically every story is about her various ailments and ways she has to deal with her health hardships.  At one point, Tori’s beloved Uncle Danny dies (Aaron Spelling’s brother) and Tori gets in contact with her brother Randy again.  Tori was also not speaking to her brother at that time.  GURL, when you are estranged from THAT many people, the problem is with YOU.  Anyway, this story evolves into a REALLY LONG tale of Tori’s having the swine flu that kept getting misdiagnosed (once as Parvo, the dog disease) so she had to miss her uncle’s funeral.  I can just picture her brother getting a text from Dean (or as Dlisted.com’s GENIUS Michael K calls him, The Deaner) while waiting for Tori at the funeral:

THE DEANER:  Yo!  R dawg. Sup.

RANDY SPELLING:  Who is this?

TD: The Deaner, man!  Anywhozzle, Tor’s not gonna make it, man.

RS: Why?

TD: Oh, she’s super sick.

RS: Uh huh.

TD: Like in the hospital, dawg. SUPES illin.

RS: Uh huh.

TD: BUT anyway, do you think your mom’s ever gonna come around?

RS: Good bye, Dean.

All in all, Tori spends 10 days in the hospital and a doctor was mean to her.

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“I just want to be sick, Dean! let me be sick!” image source: makeagif.com

Next we get to some light foreshadowing where Tori throws subtle shade at Dean for awhile.  Basically, they are really busy but ESPECIALLY Tori because she has so many businesses.  Like, SO many.  And when she does get ANY free time, she immediately spends it with her children.  She is a workaholic AND a perfect mother.  Unlike, say, The Deaner, who spends his free time with MOTORCYCLES plus he doesn’t even have any businesses.  Tori is just too good of a mother to ever take ANY time for herself.  It is so sanctimonious that I was literally making barf noises at my phone as Tori explained how hard it is to do everything so well.  Also, she says she can’t even IMAGINE what it would be like to do what she did in the old days, which was lay in bed all day an watch shitty tv.  Homegirl, you were JUST in the hospital for 10 days- I know you were sick and all, but I imagine that watching soaps all day (as you literally said you did) counts as watching shitty tv in bed all day.  Admit it: Dean has motorcycles and your true loves are being a martyr and hypochondria.  Next up, eh… probably another hospital stay.

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“SAVE ME MONEY!  I MEAN MOM!” image source: giphy.com

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