Wives, Fiances & Side Chicks of Hotlanta: Part One

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this gonna be good. image source: walmart.com

SO I decided to finally take my first foray into Real Housewife fiction.  If anything screams “I have a totally original story idea, not just a thinly veiled version of my life as a reality star,” it’s a Bravo personality.  I know Bethenny has a book, and Kelly Bensimon suggested I check out hers (no, really, she wrote that on an instagram post I did about her book I Can Make You Hot!) but if I am going to jump into this, I want to go BIG.  And what could be better than a book by Sheree Whitfield with the words “Side Chicks” in the title? Continue reading

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blk. Water: A Review

 

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I like my water like I like my reality stars’ pasts: murky af and totally unappealing.

Remember when Albie Manzo was going to be a lawyer?   And then a cop?  But he gave up all of those illustrious career paths to bring happiness to the masses.  And by happiness, I mean blk. water.  As in black water.

Continue reading

uncharted terriTORI: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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my shoulder hurts from dancing. take me to the hospital! image source: s111.photobucket.com

SO where were we?  Ah yes, Tori was letting us know why she is basically just the hardest working lady plus best mother of all time and it’s fine that YOU (cough, Dean, cough) can have hobbies and make time for yourself, but Tori just can’t.  So there is a long, super passive aggressive section where she just complains about Dean riding motorcycles and she hates it SO much but won’t tell him to stop because THAT would be annoying.  Anyway, I can’t write about this topic anymore without ripping my own face off, so moving on!

You know who else Tori is better than?  All of the other moms at her kids’ school. Continue reading

uncharted terriTORI: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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it’s hard out there for an overprivileged girl. image source: primogif.com

So, you know when your estranged mother, your husband’s ex-wife and you all have books coming out within 6 months of each other?  And you aren’t speaking with either of them but you all talk a ton of shit about each other in your respective books?  No?  Well then you don’t know Tori’s PAIN.  Anyway, even though Candy Spelling was being like so unfair about EVERYTHING, Tori wanted her mom to have a relationship with her kids, so she did what every normal person does: she sent them over with the nanny.  Tori wanted her mom to see how much her son Liam was like her father- and you know that’s true because a psychic told her.  Another psychic told her that her daughter Stella would have a special connection with Tori’s deceased pug, Mimi La Rue.  Man, how does one get the job of being Tori Spelling’s psychic?  Apparently all you need is an internet connection and with some light googling, you’ll likely be set for life.  Or you would have back in 2010, as Tori doesn’t pay her bills anymore: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/tori-spelling-must-pay-amex-nearly-39k-in-unpaid-bills-w443227. Continue reading

uncharted terriTORI: Part One

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there’s a lot to unpack in this photo… oh god, help us all. image source: goodreads.com

What to say about Tori Spelling… I honestly can’t believe it has taken me this long to review anything by a woman than has been on more reality shows than a Kardashian and will literally slap her name on any company willing to give her a paycheck (pretty sure homegirl is currently shilling for the Psychic Friends Network).   Obviously, Tori (and her nefarious husband, Dean, who looks like the real life version of that ship captain from Family Guy) has had some… stumbles in the past few years, including one into a Benihana grill in what was quite possibly the weirdest celebrity (eh, I guess) story of 2015: Tori Spelling Hospitalized After Falling Onto Hibachi Grill at Benihana.  Also, there was that whole Dean cheated on Tori with a maybe (probably) fictional Canadian girl named Emily Goodhand (heh heh) and the shitshow reality show True Tori that followed.  Also, they are broke af somehow and also Tori is pregnant again with their fifth child. Continue reading

I Can Make You Hot! Cooking with Kelly

missed part onepart two or part three? check em out!

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i’m guessing the recipe is just gummy bears artfully arranged on some spinach. image source: primogif.com

You guys,something pretty funny happened… Kelly Bensimon liked ALL of my instagram posts about her and even commented with some heart emojis… Methinks she didn’t read any of my posts because I basically call her a crazy person who doesn’t know how to read… well, maybe she had her intern “read” it to her and she just heard the good parts!  Like she is thin and good at jogging amongst moving vehicles. Continue reading

Real Hockwives GIVEAWAY!

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as long as it isn’t unfiltered blonde, I’m in!  image source: giphy.com

You guys!  I have reached reality star swag SATURATION and I need to get some of this stuff out of my house before my husband has a bonfire and burns all of my Countess Collection fabulous pieces  (as if).  SO I would like to give all of you lovely ladies (and gents!) a chance to help me make room for all of the new books, booze, clothing and make-up the real housewives are just dying to sell to me.

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NOT YOU ALEXIS! image source: giphy.com

In this SUPER FABULOUS, crazy exciting giveaway, one lucky person will receive:

Life is Not a Reality Show by Kyle Richards

Strong is the New Sexy by Snooki

Skinnygirl Cocktails by Bethenny Frankel

Life on the Ramona Coaster by Ramona Singer

Get It! by Jacqueline Laurita

Indulge by Kathy Wakile

I Can Make You Hot! by Kelly Bensimon

V by Vicki Gunvalson

Click on the titles above to read my reviews of each… or wait, maybe don’t, or you might not want them anymore.  YOUR CHOICE!

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sorry, no Kim ZB wigs in this giveaway. image source: tenor.com

To enter, leave a comment on this post OR for a second entry, go to my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/realhockwives/  , follow me and like the giveaway post.  I will announce a winner on Monday, February 13.  GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ENTER! xoxo

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best valentine’s day ever!!!

I Can Make You Hot! Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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i don’t know what this means. but i like it. STOP BEING RED! image source: giphy.com

Now we get to the boring-eat (usually) part of every make over your life book- how to dress yourself.  I only say that it is boring in that EVERY book is exactly the same!  Don’t wear trends!  Find what works for  YOUR body!  Buy these classic pieces!  Find a great tailor!  BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHRGG.  BUT I will say that Kelly shared an great anecdote about Madonna ignoring her when she was still carrying her baby weight after he second baby.  Madonna had just had Rocco and was skinny and fit af and Kelly’s ex-husband NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER Gilles Bensimon was taking her photo for the cover of ELLE magazine.  Kelly was wearing a big ol fat shirt and looked like shit and Madonna wouldn’t talk to her.  NO IDEA what this has to do with dressing yourself, but it was a good story regardless. Continue reading