missed part one? check it out!

excuse you, like there’s another gwyneth. image source: etonline.com

Onto the diet portion of the book, where Kelly proclaims that she doesn’t like diets or believe in them or go on them.  I would like to point out here that the subtitle of this book is “The Supermodel Diet,” but let’s not let things like logic or reality get in the way of Kelly’s proclamations.  This is the world we live in now!  Better get used to it.

kkb 2020. image source: giphy.com

Kelly right away let’s us know that your usual diet tips DON’T ACTUALLY work.  Things like eating kleenex to feel full (WT ACTUAL F), the enema diet (sounds tasty) and the alcohol diet (SIGN ME UP), they just don’t work.  Um, thanks, Kelly.  This book is so weird and disjointed- it’s basically a bunch of shout-y blog posts about self love mixed with healthy living tips mixed with opportunities for Kelly to brag about herself.  So in other words, it will TOTALLY change your life!

but kelly’s grass is the greenest, just saying. image source: tumblr.com

There is a really weird section about avoiding the Freshman 15 that seems literally out of nowhere.  Are college students really looking to a real housewife who got fired like five years ago for their health and fitness suggestions?  Aren’t they like, just doing whatever Kylie Jenner snapchats this week?  Or that flat tummy tea bullshit that every person on Bravo (and E!) seems required to instagram approximately every 4 seconds?  (Seriously, if you have an embarrassing follow list like I do on insta [and you call it insta] you can scroll for 10 seconds without being Ramona Singer, Nene and Lala (of former VPR fame) swearing that flat tummy tea or whatever CHANGED THEIR LIFE.  I’m have tempted to try it for this blog but I have SO MUCH HATRED for that company and I am 145% sure that it is complete garbage and does NOTHING and I already give my money to so many people who legit do not deserve it, so… anyway, Kelly’s advice is like “for every piece of pizza you eat, you owe me 20 sit-ups” so I think that confirms that she doesn’t understand how calories work.

Not to be confused with the Oscar nominated film. image source: wifflegif.com

This whole thing is just so so… unedited.  It does sound like Kelly’s voice, in that it is a stream of consciousness that is 90% pure nonsense.  In one paragraph she is all “you need to feed your body healthy, happy food to make it perform well and for you to feel great” and in the next it’s “YOLO eat the cake!”  And she takes both stands so aggressively that it is insane.  Literally no one read this book before it went to the publisher because if they had, they would’ve noticed that there were two Kellys writing this book and they clearly never spoke to each other.

even that other kelly doesn’t like me. image source: giphy.com

After some additional lists of what to eat (basically the same list as before- no, there are literally the same things listed there- but longer), some actual good advice- put away technology when you eat and some bonkers advice- use an accent while you eat to remind you to eat slowly and mindfully like Europeans [looks like Dorit from RHOBH must’ve gotten her horrid little paws on this tome], we finally get to what I wanted to see- old school modeling shots of KKB from the 80s!

hey youths, i bet you $20 Kylie Jenner wears something like this in 2017.

Again, Kelly advocates for jelly beans and Atomic fire balls for when you need something unhealthy and then ANOTHER just totally random list of foods like tamales and dehydrated fruit.  I am so confused.  Finally, she “helpfully” lists a bunch of websites to go to get healthy support (my favorite one being amazon.com where you can get “healthy books on how to get HOT in one-click!” um… what is this thing I am reading?  A book on how to buy other books to tell me how to get hot?”) oh and another 3 day diet from the queen of hating diets.

I must go rest now (inside a bottle of vodka).

may god take pity on us all. image source: giphy.com