THANK YOU JESUS, we have finally reached the end. One last pretentious installment of our bilingual snowflakes are better than yours! First, after casually mentioning that their townhouse was photographed for New York Magazine, Alex says that she didn’t even notice that Johan had colored all over the walls until she saw the photos. Um, you didn’t notice that there was fucking crayon drawings all over your walls the day you are getting your house photographed for a magazine?
Also, she mentions that they were renovating their house, so it was fine for her kids to pull up floor boards and basically destroy everything. Basically, you are a moron if you have anything that isn’t COMPLETELY washable if you have children because kids are hell-bent on destroying everything in your house. While that is sometimes true, they also say they didn’t child-proof their house because that is all just marketing making you think you need shit you don’t. So I guess until your kids are 18, you must just live amongst broken roller skates and cheap black furniture. I mean, which is it? Prep your house for kids or live like you would normally? Pick a lane, Silex!
Alex says it’s very normal for kids to do things like shimmy up walls and hide above door frames and then drop onto unsuspecting people as they walk through, because she used to do it all the time. I think both Alex and Simon need to stop thinking the just because they did something that it is normal. I think watching them on screen for more than 15 seconds would negate this alleged normalcy. Can you imagine being in Alex’s Kansas (BUT THEY WERE NOT MIDWESTERN OKAY) childhood home and going to the bathroom only to be attacked by fucking Gollum from above? I would have shit my pants. These are the people giving us parenting advice right now.
Blah blah blah, only buy your kids bilingual toys, getting into kindergarten is hard in NYC, our kids speak French, we speak French, did you know we speak French? And other languages too, of course, but French is the only language we all speak (um, besides English?) I really can’t believe they have any friends. Can you imagine what it would be like to hang out with people like this? Whose kids “express themselves” by writing bad words IN FRENCH on your walls with sharpie while Alex and Simon sit there and point out the nod to early Keith Haring?
There are so many alleged “conversations” Alex and Simon have with their kids in this book that are so ridiculous you literally want to barf. While passing a clothing store, 3 year old Johan exclaimed, “can we go in that shop? That dress is beautiful and you should wear it. And you need a bracelet and a necklace too.” I BET. I BET THAT HAPPENED JUST LIKE THAT.
I must say, reading all of this complete and utter bullshit does make me realize how freaking perfect Alex and Simon are for each other. I know they were on Celebrity Rehab: Make US Relevant Again PLEASE, but honestly, these two crazy (yes) kids are a match made in… somewhere. I would die of second hand embarrassment just standing in the same room as either one of them, but they really think they are just both so fabulous. Like Heidi and Spencer of The Hills, I guess they really just might make it after all. That being said, they are still the ABSOLUTE WORST.
I skimmed the last part and there was nothing at note beyond a weird paragraph where Simon (jokingly?) says he is going to change his name to Simone, wear one of Alex’s Roberto Cavalli dresses and seduce everyone’s husbands except Mario. I can’t think of a more perfect way to end this garbage fire.