The Secrets of My Life: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

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match made in reality tv heaven. image source:

So Bruce meets Kris and decides SHE is the one that can get his life back on track.  And by life, he means career.  Kris was the most socially gifted human Bruce had ever met and was in awe of her ability to work a room.  “Shocking!” – no one ever.  Anyway, Kris immediately takes over Bruce’s career and fires his old management team.  She gets him back into shape (minus da boobies, which stayed even after he ceased the female hormone therapy) and finds him several exercise equipment endorsement deals.  Honestly, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because so far, Caitlyn has said nothing bad at ALL about Kris.  So, either Kris completely (kompletely? no) overreacted to this book or, something is COMING, y’all.

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kris, you in danger girl. image source:

Well, you want to know why Kris Jenner is so pissed at Caitlyn?  Well, he basically blames her for his fractured relationship with his:

a. children (minus Kendall/Kylie and the Kardashian kids)

b. mother

c. sister

d. ex-wives

e. former management team

SOOOOOO I guess that would make sense.  Caitlyn says that initially, Kris was a wonderful step-mother to his children but after both Linda and Chrystie pushed back a bit on some things, Kris grew frustrated and stopped trying.  Man, I never have really been in a place before where I wanted to defend Kris Jenner (inventor of the vodka soda! #neverforget) before, but here goes.  CAIT, you say over and over again in this book that you felt to at odds with yourself to truly engage with most people, INCLUDING YOUR CHILDREN.  You admitted to dipping out of their lives almost completely (including not even ATTENDING the birth of your daughter, Casey) so to act like all of the turmoil in those relationships is because of the world’s greatest momager (whom you were married to for more than 20 years) is FUCKING BULLSHIT.

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how can you not love this woman? image source:

I mean, tbh, I would not want Kris Jenner as a stepmom.  She looks evil af and you know she would be scrutinizing every move you made, trying to figure out a way to cash in.  BUT I don’t think it’s wholly her fault that Bruce had shitty relationships with everyone around him.

Speaking of shitty relationships, Caitlyn has a LOT to say about OJ and Nicole! This was by far the most interesting portion of the book for me.  Basically, Caitlyn says that OJ was THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE of all time with the most fragile ego- and this is a person who has spent a LOT of time around Kanye West.  Kris was constantly worried for Nicole’s safety and Nicole even said once that every time OJ boarded a plane, she hoped it crashed.  A few days before the killings, Nicole orchestrated an intervention for sometimes RHOBH guest star Faye Resnick (basically, Hollywood is a town with 50 people living in it apparently).  Caitlyn says that this saved Faye’s life, but a few days later, Nicole lost hers.  The trial created a lot of problems in the Kardashian-Jenner house as Kim and Kourtney sided with their father, Robert Kardashian and OJ.  After OJ was acquitted, Caitlyn announced that no one would ever speak the name “OJ Simpson” in the house EVER AGAIN.


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preach, girl! image source:

Now here is some ABSOLUTE BS.  Caitlyn “forgot” to mention a few events in her life that, oh, perhaps had some impact on the path she took?  First, the reality show.  Caitlyn says SHE got the idea from watching The Osbournes and that Kris ran with it.  Also, that the people at the E! network were not excited about the idea because they had “only heard of Bruce Jenner and no one else.”  First of all, I think the name Kardashian was familiar to ANYONE over the age of 8 in 1995 would know.  I was in 7th grade and could rattle off most of the dream team.  SECOND, and most importantly, methinks Caitlyn is choosing to forget about a little, uh, “movie” that Kim starred in with Ray J?


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open wide, kimmy! oh god I am the worst. image source:

The sex tape is never mentioned.  Caitlyn says that the intense scrutiny and the hundreds of people in and out of the house every day pushed her gender issues back to the surface.  Eventually, after a few terrible years, she moved out to Malibu and was done with the marriage.  There is a bunch of stuff here, including how much Caitlyn hates Harvey Levin, but honestly, I just kept waiting to hear about the car accident that killed a person right before Caitlyn transitioned.  She spends a LOT of time complaining about the paparazzi and the insane hounding from the media- don’t you think this would perfectly illustrate HOW awful the paps can be?  I mean, I think there might still be legal stuff going on about the case, so maybe she couldn’t mention it, but I would think this would be a significant event.  Caitlyn spends half of a chapter explaining EXACTLY how to give yourself a facelift with superglue and a smaller waist with saran wrap- does this not rate?


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uh huh… image source:

After all is said and done, Caitlyn did have the “final” surgery (removing her penis) and feels great about absolutely everything.  Except her children have kind of distanced themselves from her.  This part feels kind of gross- like she is trying to manipulate them using her book.  I think Caitlyn thought once she explained WHY she was such a shitty father (gender issues!  Kris Jenner is a monster!), everything would be forgiven.  Caitlyn is living her true self now, shouldn’t everyone be happy for her and forgive EVERYTHING?  I guess one of the secrets of Caitlyn’s life is that she hasn’t realized how relationships work, whether you are being authentic or not.  As HER president would say, sad!






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