Oh Shannon Beador… I can’t help but love you.  I love that you have been on a reality show for several years but you STILL get drunk, say WAY too much personal stuff, have NO problem acting like a complete psycho AND drag your flailing marriage to an Aryan robot into your storyline every year.  WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!

I have been trying for WEEKS to make myself listen to RHONY newbie (and perhaps one and done housewife, what a disappointing SNOOZE) Tinsley Mortimer’s terrible fictionalized version of her life Southern Charm (oh, the Bravo foreshadowing!) but I JUST. CAN’T. DO. IT.  Why couldn’t Sonja have written (or had one of her interns do it, let’s be honest here #brownice) a book about HER life??!  I would plow through that faster than you can say “it’s about Tom!”  UGH.  But now that Orange County is back on (yayyyy!!! I feel like this city gives us the most consistent quality season to season, and my husband just snorted/died that I used the word quality to describe these shows.  There is a BAR that was set by a few distinct episodes- season finale of RHONJ with the table flipping, LuAnn telling everyone to “be cool, don’t be all uncool,” Brandi Glanville accusing Kim Richards of doing crystal meth back in the salad days of RHOBH, and NEVER forget Scary Island- and OC always manages to never be boring), I wanted to see what Shannon was up to since last season.  I am surprised that more of these ladies don’t shill more shit (I have conveniently forgotten about Vicki’s HORRID perfume, “Eau de Insurance”).  Shannon doesn’t even have a wellness book with Dr. Moon!

 

BUT she does have a WONDERFUL (ha) website, shannonbeador.com.  Now, this website doesn’t actually sell any Shannon-branded products, dammit.  It also appears to have not been updated for a few years.  It is a collection of completely random musings from Shannon, in a variety of areas.  The “Household” section is completely void of content, a fact that seems like some sad foreshadowing.  However, there are LOTS of giant grainy photos of the whole Beador clan, so no worries!!!

 

One thing we learn right away about Shannon is that she LOVES exclamation points. LOVES THEM!!!  She also loves brevity when it comes to her writing.  This is an excerpt from a VERY HARDHITTING feature on the website entitled “Put Cream on Your Elbows!”

When my mother was a child, she as obsessed with putting cream on her elbows! Yet she never told my siblings and I!! Unless you look behind your body in the mirror, you don’t see your elbows and today, David and I have a gray circle there! It is not pretty!

You guys, this is half of the entire story.  God I love this woman.

 

Basically, Shannon’s entire website reads like elementary school writing assignments she forgot to do and had to hurriedly throw something together on the bus.  She also lets her children write articles (ell oh ell) that are sometimes more eloquent than her own.  All of these little snippets are so random and stream-of-conscience that they are actually totally on brand for Shannon.  Plus her struggles are so relatable:

I am not happy that there isn’t a clear cut answer on which way to go with insect repellant. I never use DEET, but when I was in BALI filming for RHOC, there were so many bugs biting on our legs, I put on the DEET. It was worth the possible skin absorption for a few days to make sure I wasn’t bitten by anything harmful! I did the same thing when we were in Tahiti! I just keep telling myself its all about balance!!!

 

Now, to address the elephant in the room (THAT IS NOT ME BEING AN ASSHOLE, I SWEAR), I do feel bad that poor Shannon has packed on some lbs. I can’t imagine how stressful being on this show is, especially with three kids who have to watch their parents marriage struggles play out on national television (even if they do bring it on themselves, kinda).  As much as it seems obvious to us as viewers, I truly believe that anyone going on a reality show thinks THEY will be different and not look like a crazy asshole.  I mean, why else would ANYONE subject themselves to this?!  I have full faith that with many bowls of quinoa and Dr. Moon sessions, Shannon will get herself back on track.  In the meantime, she can consult her own website for workouts- this is the actual title of one such workout:

Does anyone want to workout with Dr.Tim??? I hurt my rib but am going to try and power through!!!

Oh, Shannon.  Never change!