Like all good entrepreneurs who have exhausted every other income/product stream (I mean seriously? there is Skinnygirl deli meat now), Bethenny Frankel must now write children’s books.  What a weird way for her to go- for someone who is so OBSESSED with her “brand,” which is basically aggressive female hysteria and low-cal booze- a super girly kids book?

Anyway, I decided to run this little tome past my son, who is 2.5.  He was very excited to read a book about “cookies” and was disappointed to learn that Cookie was in fact a “dog.”  FALSE ADVERTISING FAKE NEWS, amiright?  Anyway, the book is all about how Mommy (B) and Cookie (her real life dog) are a happy family and then Mommy brings home this awful fucking baby and ruins Cookie’s life.  Before Peanut (that’s the baby’s name) comes along, Mommy and Cookie do all kinds of shit together, like go to “Bark Jacobs” and “Starbarks” on their “walksies.”

Now, I love how even in this pink polka dot world, Bethenny still manages to subtly drag her ex-husband, Jason Hoppy.  In this book, Mommy never even looks with child (because SKINNY PREGNANCY RIIIIIGHT?!) and just one day casually brings home a little blonde bundle (cough Brynn cough) and fucks up Cookie’s whole world.  There is no “daddy” or even “sperm donor” in this world.  In this world, Mommy is a FABULOUS business lady who CAN FUCKING HAVE IT ALL BY HERSELF, okay?  Mommy is fucking Mary Richards with better marketing and more tequila.

Mommy starts ditching Cookie and only talking Peanut on her walksies (ugh too PRECIOUS for a woman like Bethenny) and this makes Cookie despondent af.  I mean, wtf is wrong with “Mommy?”  Bitch, you have TWO hands!  I thought you could do this ALL by yourself!  To quote the best kids’ book of all time, The Puppy Who Lost Its Way, you got a pet, you got a responsibility!  You don’t look for an hour and call it quits.  You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!

Anyway, predictably, Cookie and Peanut eventually find a common enemy to bond over: MOMMY IN HER FUCKING SKINNYGIRL APRON.  Remember kids- the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

JUST KIDDING, that’s just how I WISH the book would have turned out.  Instead, Cookie and Peanut have fun playing together and eventually Mommy gets over her brain injury and realizes that they can all go on walksies TOGETHER and Cookie feels like a part of the family again.

BUT… Mommy is hiding a deep, dark secret.  Oh yes.  The secret to Mommy having it all is that Mommy needs her drinks…

Oh yes, even in the sparkly lolli-pop filled universe where Daddies don’t exist and there are stores called fucking Bark Jacobs (p.s. this isn’t a dog book where every character is a dog- Mommy and Peanut are humans.  Why would Starbucks be “Starbarks” in this universe?  Did LuAnn come up with this concept after falling in that bush in Mexico? #riptom #itsabouttom), Mommy still needs three bottles of Skinnygirl margaritas to get through her days.  I mean, Peanut does seem sort of exhausting and precocious, but poor Mommy.

I asked my son what his favorite part of the book was and he said “the river” which is very deep and also sort of concerning.