At Real Hockwives, we have a LOT of opinions and would like to take this opportunity to give some of our favorite (and LEAST favorite) reality “stars” some advice for the new year!
Kim Zolciak Biermann: No more plastic surgery
look, your old face! image source: giphy.com
Still struggling to finish your last minute holiday shopping? Let me help you buy for all of the ladies (and gents) in your life, featuring items I reviewed this past year! Happy holidays! I’ll be back with fresh nonsense in the new year!
For your aunt who loves to cook but might also be illiterate
I would highly recommend Skinny Italian or Fabulicious!, if she is really not into the English language. There are enough photos of the food (plus bonus photos of Juicy Joe Giudice!) that she might be able to figure it out. Continue reading
missed part one, part two, part three or part four? check em out!
I also gaze solemnly at my peppers while prepping them. image source: lazygirls.info
SO now that we have learned how to not eat like a garbage person, it’s time to cook with Kristin. I figured her recipes would be reminiscent of the food I ate on Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop cleanse, and I was not wrong. Kristin herself is very goop-lite and I wouldn’t be surprised if she launched a full-on lifestyle brand website soon. Instagram-type persons are very good at creating an enviable-looking world, and some (Gwyneth, Reese Witherspoon) are very successful whereas others fall laughably short (Blake Lively, RIP Preserve). Based on this book alone, unless Kristin hires a crack marketing team, I am not holding my breath.
missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!
WHAT SORT OF SORCERY IS THIS?! image source: giphy.com
So now that we have worked on our insides, it’s time to focus on what really matters: hair and make-up! Kristin doesn’t care about make-up that much but she like, really likes her hair. A psychic told her mom when she was pregnant with Kristin that her daughter would be obsessed with her hair and she was sooooo spot on! That is like the most southern California sentence ever written.
missed part one or part two? check em out!
what… what is this? image source: giphy.com
Now that we are wifed up and have stopped eating “chemicals” like heathens, it’s time to exercise, bitches! Like with eating, Kristin did everything wrong before she had her children- too much easy cardio and not pushing herself in the gym. After giving birth, Kristin had the same issue all women have: she got too thin!
missed part one? check it out!
don’t worry jay, there’s always next season. image source: giphy.com
SO even though Kristin and Jay Cutler called off their original engagement (right after Kristin did a photo shoot in wedding gowns for Life & Style or one of the lesser US Weekly-type mags, oopsie), they did get back together! This book sure is long considering it has NO details really or continuity. In one paragraph, Kristin and Jay are getting back together and in the next, Kristin talks traveling tips with a child. These tips are things like “bring snacks and an iPad,” so they seem to be for people who have never met children before.
what a weird title… image source: eonline.com
If Instagram were a person, I’m pretty sure that person would be Kristin Cavallari. Think about it: bronde (blonde + brown) hair with perfect blonde face-framing tendrils, famous athlete husband, cute kids, a commitment to health and wellness with absolutely no credentials whatsoever. I never really had that big of an opinion about KCav either way, until it came out that she was against vaccinating her children. When asked why, Kristin basically said she had a read “a study” but couldn’t remember the name of it and also don’t discount Dr. Jenny McCarthy! So now i think she is a grade A moron, but she is like, really pretty, so let’s see what other bon mots she can offer us!
missed parts one and two? check em out!
wait… are we really still on this book? image source: buzzfeed.com
SO now The Hills has ended, and what’s a former reality star with no real talent besides slowly pushing a salad that cost $30 on a plate while nodding glumly to do? Well, get on another reality show, post-haste! Steph worked on one idea that was her and some other no brain going around the country trying to find guys to ride in a caravan behind them or something? I really didn’t get it, but Oxygen pulled out last minute for some reason, which is like, totes BS because it really sounded so KEWL and full of FUNNIES!
Missed part one? Read it here
with bon mots like these, how could she not be on tv. image source: buzzfeed.com
SO Steph is now back in California, and dealing with the fallout from her shoplifting arrest. She goes into a few rehabs and hospitals before finally getting clean for good.
this is so photoshopped it hurts. image source: goodreads.com
Guys, are you ready to feel old af? The Hills came out TEN YEARS AGO.
TEN. Holy shit. I still think it’s 2009 most days, so this is very shocking to me. In honor of a decade of blonde women looking wistfully at the ocean from brunch restaurants, I decided to take a Bravo break and head for The Hills…
Real Hockwives 