missed part one or part two? check em out!

i don’t know what this means. but i like it. STOP BEING RED! image source: giphy.com

Now we get to the boring-eat (usually) part of every make over your life book- how to dress yourself.  I only say that it is boring in that EVERY book is exactly the same!  Don’t wear trends!  Find what works for  YOUR body!  Buy these classic pieces!  Find a great tailor!  BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHRGG.  BUT I will say that Kelly shared an great anecdote about Madonna ignoring her when she was still carrying her baby weight after he second baby.  Madonna had just had Rocco and was skinny and fit af and Kelly’s ex-husband NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER Gilles Bensimon was taking her photo for the cover of ELLE magazine.  Kelly was wearing a big ol fat shirt and looked like shit and Madonna wouldn’t talk to her.  NO IDEA what this has to do with dressing yourself, but it was a good story regardless.

Kelly isn’t dramatic AT ALL, okay?  DON’T EVEN IMPLY THAT OR SHE’LL KILL HERSELF SWEAR TO GOD. image source: riot housewives.com

Anyway, surprise surprise- dress for YOUR body and YOURSELF!  And don’t hide in big old clothes or you will just look fat AND sloppy.  Find what works for you!  Oh and in a super 80s move of her, Kelly suggests finding out what “season” you are (spring, winter, summer and fall all have different color families that work with your skin tone) and dress in those hues.  There is something SUPER late 80s early 90s about Kelly, right?  Maybe it’s just that she sort of resembles a bargain basement Cindy Crawford and she definitely has that era model build.  BUT SHE CAN’T GIVE YOU HER LEGS, OKAY? Stop asking.

I also don’t have any idea what this is, but i like it. kelly really lives up to her batshit crazy rep! image source: rash manly.com

Next is a bunch of boring shit about determining if you are an apple, a pear, an hourglass, a string bean (like lucky Kelly!) or a broad-shouldered gal (is that really a fucking shape?  Also her suggestion is to “be a lovely linebacker,” which omg fuck you) and then dress to hide your flaws!

this doesn’t read like Kelly found a pile of back issues of Lucky magazine and copied down their tips in hot pink glitter crayon AT ALL! image source: giphy.com

Onto make-up tips- lots of really groundbreaking shit here too, like curl your eyelashes.  They should honestly just have some real writers get together, write the absolute best version of all of these chapters (health, exercise, beauty, food, etc) and just publish the same book over and over again for all of these celebrities and reality stars and just give them each a new title and a different cover.  Each person can have one chapter to cram all of their misinformation and personal anecdotes and sprinkle in some photographs and this would save EVERYONE SO MUCH TIME.  You know that no one would notice and the reality stars would go on bragging about THEIR book and how it is so different and real and awesome and have no idea they were just the same thing over and over again.  It would be the Emperor’s (flattering, classic, not at all trendy and right for his shape) new clothes!

admit it, I am brilliant! image source: ohnotheydidnt.com

Contrary to the gif at the beginning of this, Kelly is OBSESSED with red.  She even painted her toes and nails red when everyone was being so mean and vicious to her on The Real Housewives of NY and it really helped her feel better!  Man, just spending a little bit of time inside Kelly’s head makes me really feel sorry for all the gals that had to accompany her to Scary Island.  Homegirl is nucking futs.  She also suggests matching your nail color to your dessert (wtf- like do you plan ahead what you are going to order and match accordingly?  Do you like carry around the bowl of melted pistachio ice cream with you so people know you planned that shit?  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND).

All I will say about the hair chapter is this: Kelly brags about how everyone everywhere is OBSESSED with her long luxe hair and also that EVERYONE gets at least 80 years to show off their locks.  Um… does Kelly not know anyone that died before they were 80?  Or went bald?  God she is so dumb.

yeah, i’m okay with that. image source: giphy.com

Next we will be cooking with Kelly… pray for me.  I have a feeling I am going to be eating arugula with Lucky Charms on it or some shit.  BALANCE!