There is No F**king Secret: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check it out!

kelly 32

man, the early 2000s were… something. image source: giphy.com

And even MORE chicken soup for your soul! I mean letters from Kelly O.LAVENDER HAIR

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finally, the hard hitting issues of today! image source: giphy.com

SO Kelly has had every hair color in the rainbow, but has finally landed on her signature look after much experimenting: lavender.  And I got to give her (and her colorist) props: she actually looks amazing with the pastel color and she (and maybe Nicole Richie? who even knows/cares) seemed to really spearhead the colored hair/mermaid hair trend.  So Kels is like real thrilled with this.  HOWEVER, I did find this little tidbit entertaining- so if you have seen old photos of Ozzy, he has short shaggy sort of surfer blonde hair and it is JARRING to see him without HIS signature look, long black hair. (Take a second and imagine if your dad’s signature look was long, black hair).  So Miss Kelly was also a towhead in her youth, and her parents were OBSESSED with her long, blonde princess hair.  One time Kelly got mad at her invisible (to the public) sister Aimee and cut off one side of her hair in protest and her parents FREAKED OUT.  To this day, Sharon still wishes Kelly had her long blonde locks.  I mean, isn’t that hilarious?  I basically picture Kelly with hot pink and black hair and even HER MOM, the least likely person you would imagine, prefers her hair to be traditionally pretty and feminine.

FASHIO

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I really dig this look tbh. image source: tumblr.com

omg FASHION is totes importante to Kelly.  I rolled my eyes BIG TIME at this because honestly, EVERY SINGLE BOOK I HAVE READ FOR THIS FUCKING BLOG has a fashion section about how the author has a totally unique passion for it.  I just want to read about like Siggy from RHONJ saying she DGAF (so many acronyms!  I am very passionate about acronyms) about clothes and has no desire to open a boutique or some shitty line.  I don’t want crappy bras “designed” by JWOWWWW! DO NOT WANT.

Anyway, LIKE EVERY OTHER BOOK EVER, Kelly says to have fun with fashion, don’t worry about your body and get a tailor.  I am sure that “get a tailor” is good advice but I feel like it’s too time consuming.  I am too lazy to even go to a real store for clothes and now I gotta go to a second place?

KELLY’S VAGINA

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i’ll go ahead and let summer say what we are all thinking. image source: tumblr.com

Anyone who watched The Osbournes remembers Kelly shouting “it’s MY VAGINA!” at her parents and brother, as one does.  Kelly seems to have a love/hate relationship with hers but promises you will NEVER EVER SEE IT.  Okay!

DATIN

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been there, girl. image source: tumblr.com

Modern dating is bullshit (agree, although I started dating my husband before any of the apps became mainstream).  BUT my girlfriend who has been married for a decade told me she recently got gross messages from some dude on LINKED IN.  LINKED IN.  SO we can’t escape from shit like that, which is sad.  Kelly says you gotta avoid googling potential partners because if you dig enough, you’ll find something you don’t like.  This is legit good advice HOWEVER, finding out that the dude or lady has been arrested for domestic violence or something BEFORE you meet them is a good idea.

Also, dick pics are hilarious and so embarrassing.  AGREE!

BULLYIN

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Nope, don’t you dare, no dice, no way, no how. image source: giphy.com

Bullying is bullshit. Don’t do it.  The End.  This is very 2017.

SHARON’S CANCER AND OZZY’S ACCIDENT

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it’s okay, Sharon! somehow ozzy is still alive and you guys are still married. image source: giphy.com

So obviously, Kelly took it really hard when Sharon was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer.  She even gave up her role as Lindsay Lohan’s BFF in Freaky Friday- I did not know this!  Also, one time, Robin William came over and got in bed with Sharon when she was really feeling down and spent the whole day making her laugh.  Doesn’t that sound just lovely?  Like Patch Adams without all the bullshit.  Ozzy didn’t deal with the situation well and began heavily using while Sharon was in treatment.  Eventually, he had a terrible ATV accident that left him in a medically induced coma after breaking all of his ribs and puncturing his lungs.  The one-two punch of nearly losing both her parents so close together (and Kelly was only 19 at the time) was incredibly hard but also showed her how tough she is.

OKAY I do like this book WAY more than most, but I am also sort of ready to be done with it… part four coming next week.

 

 

 

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