Like so many housewives with Slade Smiley, I could just NOT stay away from the horrific masterpiece that is Gretchen Rossi’s website, shopgretchenchristine.com. Seriously, it is just SO amazingly bad and none of the main, horribly pixelated photos are different than when we last visited, four months ago. What the hell is she doing all day that she doesn’t have time to have some kid from UC Irvine come fix this shit for her?
Once again, I went in with high (lol) hopes that maybe I could find SOMETHING to buy to review for real. However, once again, I was disappointed. Fool me twice, shame on me. Last time, I don’t think we delved into the BLING section of the website, for which I apologize. Because I deprived you of knowing that things like these exist:
First up, the DAZZLING OVERSIZED DECORATIVE DIAMOND!
Do you like how you can tell it’s a real quality rock as it is really blurry and pixilated? Me too! It says it’s a paperweight but like Gretchen herself, it’s “too pretty for the office” so she suggests using it as a party decoration! I love how this could only be used at some sort of bullshit charity event (like “Hair Extensions for Runaway Youths” or the like) where women get very drunk on hot pink cocktails and scream at each other. You know, like any Real Housewives Party! This hot little number will run ya only $6. I almost bought one, but I literally would rather just have a money fire.
You know how you always want to wash your face, but also scratch the shit out of it… with GLAMOUR? Well you are in luck! Because Gretchen Christine has just the thing for you!
DAZZLING RHINESTONE WASHCLOTH!
She also has a bunch of sorta nice, basic af table runners that you could SERIOUSLY find at Marshall’s no problem, in the $70-100 range. Where does this b get off charging $100 for a fucking table runner she a. did not hand make b. did not design c. has probably never seen before. Her pricing seems to be all OVER the place. Jimmy from UC Irvine who has taken one marketing class and has likely seen a computer before, stick your important college papers under your DAZZLING OVERSIZED DECORATIVE DIAMOND and come help! Who is letting this happen?!
Under the FASHION section, there was a new page called GC + MK Collab, but sadly, we will never know what that is as the site has expired (aka GC + MK – paying the web hosting fees). There is still just the ONE dress under dresses, still the same shitty shiny black monstrosity skirt as last time (only oh noes, it’s sold out now! PLEASE if you or someone you know bought this skirt, there is a number you can call. It’s not too late! J/K but please send me a photo asap I will love you forever and ever amen). Under home décor, it’s mostly the same crap as BLING, but you know how you are always hoping that everyone will spill all the hot pink drinks at your Hair Extensions for Runaway Youth charity casino ball because the coasters they are using are made by dumping some “jewels” onto plastic and are completely non-functional?
Then you best treat yo’self to a SPARKLING SET OF DECORATIVE COASTERS!
The very best part about this “set” is that they don’t tell you how many you get. Just a “set.” Six, eight, one, fifty-seven thousand? It’s unclear, but they cost $44.
Now you guys, remember how I went absolutely ga-ga for the lovely desk GC is selling? It was SO LUXURIOUS and was such a bargain at $2300? WELL THE CURSE OF 2016 HAS BEEN LIFTED! It now has a matching chair!!!
And this chair is SO chic. It’s made from the highest quality synthetic materials around and a promise to maintain it’s luster.
AND IT’S SUCH A DEAL! Only $995 to look like Gretchen herself, designing her “capsule collection” in her bling studded opulent chair. AND the matching desk is somehow still available! I feel like I should start a GoFundMe chair-ity for myself to get this bad boy.
Glad to see that nothing has changed around shopgretchenchristine.com! Can’t wait for the $3300 matching lamp set.