The Bikini Book: Kelly Bensimon


that’s what my brains is made of! image source:

Y’all… what can we say about Miss Kelly Killoren Bensimon?  I could barely watch her on Real Housewives of NYC due to her INSANE behavior, especially when the group went on the trip to “scary island” and Kelly officially lost her damn mind.  She was basically the friendlier, less-plastic-surgeried version of Janice Dickenson on The Surreal Life: beautiful, leathery, and BATSHIT CRAZY.


whereas I am high af. image source:

I somehow knew that Kelly was an “author,” just like I somehow know that the Von Weber matriarch on Odd Mom Out is Rose (as in “I’m right on top of that, Rose!”) from Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead (just kidding!  I know that because my friend Emily told me and it blew my mind and she is the best).  I find a lot of my material for this site on Amazon, as I am pretty sure you could crumple up a piece of paper and people would buy it as long as it was prime.


free two day shipping blinds many to the quality of the item being purchased (see: The Ramona Coaster) image source:

SO when I was casually perusing the embarrassing items that Amazon recommends for me (seriously, it’s all children’s toys and episodes of Snooki & JWoww), I saw The Bikini Book by one Kelly Bensimon and threw it in the cart.  I knew Kel-Kel had written a book on how to be hot (and crazy, I am guessing) so I figured this was it.  Plus it was like $4, so perfect!


who doesn’t love a good crotch zipper in their swimsuit? image source:

I didn’t purchase it that day, but my husband unwittingly did when he bought something not embarrassing, like air filters or whatever a few days later.  I was pleasantly surprised when he handed it to me two days later (oh prime! #hearteyesemoji) saying, “I assume this is yours.”  He even managed not to laugh!  What a good man.


he has tried a LOT of LVP sangria, Skinny Italian recipes, and listened to my Joe Giudice impression.  image source:

So I was all pumped to learn how to get hot (and crazy) like Miss Bensimon when I actually looked at the book.  Hmmmm…. this doesn’t look like a how-to guide to look good in a bikini.


hold the phone… what the fuck is this!? image source:

Um, yeah… it’s not Kelly’s book on looking good.  That lil number is called I Can Make You Hot! The Supermodel Diet.  This?  This is… something else.


oh my… image source:

This is an actual book about bikinis.


I guess I need to learn to read the descriptions of things and not just buy them because Vicki Gunvalson’s name is plastered on that pasta maker or whatever.  I mean, the very first review on amazon says, “I don’t know how putting a bunch of stock photos in a book qualifies someone to be an author or writer.”  SAME.

So, as the astute reviewer mentions above, the book is literally a bunch of vintage and modern photos of women in bikinis with a fucking forward “written” by Kelly Bensimon. I guess her name must carry more clout that I would have EVER guessed because who would get tricked into buying this mess just because her name was credited as the author?!


GODAMMIT. image source:

I accidentally looked at the index of the book and it seems like a LOT of the photos were taken by Giles Bensimon (who, if you watched any of the early seasons of America’s Next Top Model, you know is a NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER), who was Kelly’s husband when this book was published in 2006.  They divorced in 2007, probably because Kelly started toting herself as an author and Giles was all, my Cherie, you are a lot of things: crazy, beautiful, good at running in traffic, but an author you are not.


just about 700 pages of this. I guess it could make a cool college?

So, the moral of this story is, I am dumb but so is Kelly.  And bikinis have been in style forever!  I guess I did learn something.


brb kkb is coming to kill me. image source:

4 thoughts on “The Bikini Book: Kelly Bensimon

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    You did us all a service by reading this for us…
    (…of course, I’d rather have teeth yanked than to read this) 😉


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