Get It! Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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oh god, kill me now. image source: giphy.com

So, have you GOT IT yet?  Not me, still just over here, wondering how the eff this book got published.  The layout legitimately looks like an old issue of Sassy magazine from 1993 and I am truly wondering if I currently posses the only copy of this book ever published.

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“how to set up your locker so your crush notices you!”

There is a bunch of fun celeb body shaming in the Get FIT portion of the book, including calling Beyonce triangle-shaped and Adele “round.”  Um, okay. Since they are leading by example, I ask you to please explain this woman’s body to me:

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hmmmmm…

Is it just her GINORMOUS BOOBS that make her look so… uneven?  It reminds me of the study that showed Barbie couldn’t walk in real life with her proportions.  How is this poor lady carrying these puppies around all day?!  Also, doesn’t she look straight outta Mob Wives?  And who works out with their hair down?! Anywho, like Jackie herself, these exercises are basic af so I didn’t try any of them, as literally everyone in the world has done them before.  Who buys a book for exercise plans anymore when there are approximately 10 trillion free plans available on the internet these days?

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we’ll wait. image source: giphy.com

Next up, Get BEAUTIFUL HAIR.  I guess this makes sense as Jacqueline does have pretty hair and maybe used to be a stylist?  I always assume real housewives are 90% extensions, so who knows.  Anyway, they give ground breaking advice for your weave needs, like use a clarifying shampoo if your hair is limp (Neutrogena clarifying shampoo in the square bottle circa 1997 fo’ life!  Not really, but I loved it at the time).  There are a bunch of charts for finding best ‘dos for your face shape and I can’t help thinking how much middle school me would’ve eaten this shit UP.  Seriously, all of the advice and drawings in this book feel so, so dated.  I keep expecting to see tips for getting your best REAL tan as it is 1989 and we still haven’t fully realized how bad sun damage is for our skin.  What’s next, a pack of Kools is a dieter’s best friend?

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back atcha, lovey! image source: giphy.com

The Get FLAWLESS SKIN chapter is basically the Clinique 3-step skin type quiz, only with fancy science-y words like subcutaneous thrown in, because these ladies have got it and by IT I mean the smarts!  There is a ton of info about skin care (again, so basic I could barely skim it) and just a touch of Botox recommendation, which, come on, Jac, your face hasn’t moved since Danielle Staub left the show. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, but don’t claim that some garbage product from a reality star’s skincare line (probably) is going to do as much for wrinkles as Botox! (Sidenote– I think Danielle is coming back to RHONJ and I am SO excited!  Her brand of crazy is just what the show needs!  DO IT, ANDY!)

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maybe jac has to scream so much because her face is frozen and no one can tell when she is upset? image source: giphy.com

Now that our skin is ON FLEEK (?), we must Get MADE UP.  I wish that I had MADE UP some of the shit that is in this book, but nope, it’s real, y’all.  There is a super handy chart that tells you what shape eye brows you should pick for your face shape, but just descriptions, not actual photos.  Helpful!  There are zero product suggestions, just words like “pink-based foundation,” which is fine because it is 1985 and there aren’t that many make-up brands out there.  There is another chart for eye shape (again, no pictures) and which false eye lashes work best for each type.  Doesn’t Jackie have a great make-up artist friend who could’ve written this for her??  Maybe that awful Manzo niece of hers with the salon called Caface or whatever?

Moving on, we must now Get STYLISH AND SEXY.  One of the first charts (natch) is what figure woes go with what age, which makes no sense.  There are apparently no body flaws in your twenties, guys!  The exact quote is “Really? You think we have any advice for you guys?  You can wear anything!  Bitches.”  Oh okay.  Also, there is this handy chart for all of your wardrobe needs (with pictures this time!):

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Number 3 sure looks like a flattering pair of jeans.  And I love that there is a pair of rain boots, but not a dressy heeled boot.

Now we have all GOT IT!  BRB going to throw this thing in a dumpster fire and never speak of it again.

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oh jac. no one cares. image source: giphy.com

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