Standing Strong: Part One

 

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I don’t know about you, but I ALWAYS do my yoga in a bedazzled onesie.  image source: starcasm.net

Oh man, here we are again.  As you may recall, I listened to Teresa read her first book, Turning the Tables as one of my first reviews.  As she basically sounded like a dying Furby, I swore to NEVER AGAIN put myself through that.  Ah, the ignorance of youth.  At that point, I hadn’t yet dulled my sense by consuming SO many terrible books, including a how to please your Neanderthal husband guide from Tre’s own SIL, Melissa, Danielle Staub’s INSANE memoir (she still claims to have been engaged 19 times, also that she is not a prostitution whore), drank the murkey blk. water of the Manzo children and, y’all, THAT IS JUST FROM THE CAST OF RHONJ.   I can DO THIS!

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oh god, I just remembered that she couldn’t pronounce have the words she “wrote.”  dear GOD what have I done? image source: giphy.com

After a very lovely-voiced woman introduces the book, Teresa comes on in her flat Jersey accent and says “PROW LOUUUG” and yikes, you guys.  Yikes.

BUT I am shocked to say that this book is SO MUCH BETTER than the last one!  For one thing, Teresa starts laying into Juicy Joe HARD right out the gate.  In the last book, I wanted to MURDER HER for acting like all of this was happening “to” them as if they had no role in the whole deal.  Lady, your husband created fake W2s and tried to steal his brother’s identity, along with a million other financial crimes.  THIS IS ALL HIS (AND YOUR!) FAULT!

 

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oh dose goons! hekyll and jyde! image source: tumblr.com

Tre is out of prison but her life is STRESSFUL AF, y’all.  And for once, I will agree with her- it does sound horrible.  She is a single mother to her four children who are in three different schools and have a shitload of activities.  Her husband is serving a 3+ year sentence in a prison a few hours from her house.  Her mother died unexpectedly and now her father lives with her as well.  Plus she has to do all of her RHONJ shit so they can pay back the restitution they owe to the government and not lose the hideous faux-Tuscan casino they call a house.

 

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get it girl, YOU DESERVE IT! image source: Hollywood.com

So yeah, Tre is fucking stressed out and FINALLY blames the correct person for her situation: Joe Giudice.  It is refreshing to hear her say that he never appreciated all that she does for the family or that she is fucking ANGRY that he never took personal responsibility for their crimes.  And yes, they are THEIR crimes, but man, if you listen to Teresa fumble robotically through very simple sentences she “wrote” for thirty seconds, you will pretty quickly tell that this is no criminal mastermind.  I 100% fully believe that she had no clue that what she was signing would implicate her or what Joe was doing was illegal.  Yes, there is some personal responsibility there, but this woman literally talks about her favorite trip as a child was going to visit her family in her home country of “Europe.”

 

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Joisy is VERY “European.” image source: wifflegif.com

Honestly, this whole thing probably could just be a weekly podcast.  The “narrative” (lololololllllllllllllll) jumps all over the place and Teresa has some issues with using past and present tense, but overall, I hate this MUCH less than the last book.  Maybe because she is actually being honest and there is like 3-7% more emotion in her voice this time.  Progress!

Anyway, the day before Joe went to prison, his whole family came over and wouldn’t leave.  Teresa very clearly hates all of them (Joe’s mom blames her for being on the show for what happened “to” them) and says over and over again that they wouldn’t leave.  They also all got BLACKED out drunk to the point where Joe wasn’t allowed to enter his prison cell for a whole day because he kept blowing so high on a breathalyzer.  MAN I understand wanting to booze it up like there is no tomorrow (because, basically, there isn’t) before going to prison, but being hungover af when doing so?  Ughhhhhhhhh.  Tre spent the whole night upstairs with her girls crying while they partied downstairs.  WHAT A DREAMBOAT HE IS!

Up next, find out why I think Teresa is going to leave Joe for good (and for WHOM! eeeeeee!)

 

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mark my words- homegirl has one leopard print stiletto out the door. image source: giphy.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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