You guys, I am confused.

First of all, Jacqueline Laurita wrote a book?  And maybe I missed something, but I feel like she never mentioned it ONCE her whole crazy pants last season of RHONJ?  These hos are usually shilling every chance they GET (see: Bethenny Frankel) and she mentioned the stupid popcorn company (just what everyone wants- smaller popcorn kernels!) one million times but never this?

So anyway, color ME surprised when I came across this hidden treasure of a book on Amazon.  Because the drawing of Jacqueline looks like a crayon scribble of her horrid daughter Ashleieeiieii went through the wash, I assumed at first that I was wrong, and this was not, in fact, by resident Franklin Lakes loony tune Jacqueline Laurita.  Lucky for YOU but not for me, I was WRONG!

Right away, I knew this was going to be just glorious when I opened the damn thing.

Any way, Jacqueline “wrote” (I always put quotes around that for all of these people because I have a very specific vision in my head of how these writing meetings with reality stars go.  I picture the star sashaying in, wearing fake glasses from Claire’s and holding a very expensive [and empty] leather binder, brimming with lots of “ideas” while some poor editor has to sit there and nod while pretending they aren’t already dreaming about the bottle of Chardonnay in their fridge they are going to mainline the second they walk into their apartment) this book with some lady who is apparently on Hoda & Kathie Lee a lot and wrote something called The Bra Book.  I hope this lady never ends up on RHONJ cuz I am NOT reading that shit.

So this book tells you how to get “it” in several different aspects of your life.  First up: Get CENTERED.  This basically tells you how to handle yourself with grace in stressful situations and to respond with positivity.  I think I am starting to understand why Jac didn’t promote this book on the last season of RHONJ…

So that is all total bullshit and all of it is such basic behavior ideas that you might as well throw this book in a fire and go read your grandma’s “everything I learned, I learned in kindergarten” sweatshirt.  Next up, getting ON TRACK.  This is about your FUTURE and what you want to do with it.  They suggest Pinterest and a vision board.  My vision board includes making fun of shit like this.  It’s a bunch of basic self help rhetoric (“only you can stand in your own way!”) that feels like it is legitimately plagiarized from posters at dental offices.

This all just seems very at odds with who Jackie appears to be on RHONJ- does she strike you as a vision board type?  I picture her more as someone who spends her days furiously responding to rude instagram comments while wearing a Little Kernal t-shirt.  Now, I could see Jac’s estranged sister-in-law Dina Manzo TOTALLY doing all of this.  But the woman who gave birth to Ashlieeieiiiiiiiieeeee being a deeply spiritual person?

Now we have to get ORGANIZED.  I figure this is basically cribbed from The Magical Joy of Tidying Up, which I don’t trust because, YES, Maria Kondo, my old bar crawl t-shirts with jungle juice stains on them DO bring my joy.  I just CAN’T with this chapter, because one of the tips is LITERALLY to go through your kitchen and throw away expired food items.  FUCK YOU I PAID ACTUAL MONEY FOR THIS OH MY GOD.  Next, we must get HEALTHY.  Jac and Jene (is this pronounced Jen-nay, like how Forest Gump said Jenny?) let us know up front that they are not, in fact, nutritionists.  O RILLY?  I had no idea.  They have totally new tips you have never heard of, like eat vegetables and also drink water.

Basically, if you want to learn what is in this book, go to the 2017 ***reSolUtions*** Pinterest board of any girl you went to high school with, and voila!  You got HEALTHY!

Next up, we will get FIT but I am too tired from getting HEALTHY to deal with this mess anymore.