blk. Water: A Review

 

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I like my water like I like my reality stars’ pasts: murky af and totally unappealing.

Remember when Albie Manzo was going to be a lawyer?   And then a cop?  But he gave up all of those illustrious career paths to bring happiness to the masses.  And by happiness, I mean blk. water.  As in black water.

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sorry it’s no caFACE, LAUREN. image source: bravotv.com

Lucky for us, Albie, his less attractive but much funnier Chris and their nice, innocuous uncle (who has had his fair share of financial troubs that seem to plague the Real Housewives of New Jersey cast) joined forces to create blk water, which is regular water BUT SO MUCH MORE. In that it also has fulvic acid which my spellcheck tells me is not a real thing.  However, it is FROM THE EARTH and SUPER BENEFICIAL to all of us.

tre

shutta you face, tre, no one needs dis garbage. image source: giphy.com

I was legitimately shocked when I saw this at my local grocery store.  I mean, I don’t think I was alone in thinking this beverage had about a good as chance being successful as Joe Giudice did avoiding prison.  HOWEVER I live in basically the middle of nowhere, so if we got blk water, it’s basically everywhere.  If it is not available where you live (and if it’s not, I am surprised you have internet access there), you can get it on amazon where I came across the best review ever: “finally, there is a safe and tasteless water I can drink that’s as black as my heart.”  Oh Michelle, you minx!  A lady after my own heart.

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she also titled her review “I like to match.” heart eyes emoji! image source: giphy.com

Now, this shit is SUPER black.  Like concerningly (also not a word) black.  Like I had to drink a gigantic margarita before trying it black. (edited to add: 1.5 giant margs were consumed. BY ME!)

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brings it on, blank drinkshhhhhh. image source: giphy.com

Most of the reviews on Amazon say that it tastes just like regular water (including this ringing endorsement: if you like water, you will like this.)  One guy claimed it basically made his mom shit her pants, which seems odd.  Like did she ask you to go on Amazon and write this to warn others?  OH GOD THIS TEQUILA COURAGE IS QUICKLY DISSIPATING!

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oh my goddddddddd…. image source: giphy.com

After gleefully reading these reviews out loud to my husband (who had incidentally also consumed 1.5 enormous margaritas) and then informed him that he would also be trying the blk. water.  If I am going to die, we are both going to die!

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bottoms up, fool!

So, when poured, blk water actually takes on more of a coffee-colored hue.  I had put the bottle in the fridge for nearly a week so it was nice and cold.  You know what?  It DOES taste just like regular water.  Some people claimed there was a sediment-feel on their tongues but I think that was just in their heads because this was perfectly smooth.  However, it is not exactly appetizing nor chic, no matter how much you pay people on Instagram to say otherwise.  It is basically just water dyed dark brown with MAGIC from the earth.

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I think we can all agree that Greg Bennett is THE BEST.  Follow him on twitter for real. image source: giphy.com

As my husband put it, blk. water is a “mind mis-match,” which means you expect water to be clear and when it isn’t, you automatically assume it is gross/contaminated.  YUM.  Like Manzo’d with Children, this is a perfectly fine thing that isn’t as good as other things like it.  Unless you are a DIE HARD MANZO HEAD (are there people that are?), I recommend plain ol water, or better yet, a lake-sized margarita.  Cheers!

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