is the diet gummy bear-based?

YOU GUYS I finally found the RIGHT Kelly Bensimon (I’m sorry, I mean Kelly Killoran Bensimon, or KKB as she sometimes refers to herself) book on how to be hot af!  I once accidentally bought another book by KKB called The Bikini Book that was actually just a book about bikinis and pictures of them and shit. (you can read all about my shame here)  This time I CAN FINALLY learn all of KKB’s secrets!  Like be 6 feet tall and be naturally skinny and beautiful!

what like you DON’T exercise in traffic? with your hair down? image source: wifflegif.com

I am so confused by Kelly… I just can’t get a read on her.  She acted straight up bananas on RHONY but maybe is just crazy and not stupid?  But I do know one thing: she is definitely completely unaware of the shit that she says.  This book should basically be called “I Can Make You Hot because I AM HOT AND FRIENDS WITH CELEBRITIES!”  Seriously.  The foreword is written by Russell Simmons (can’t you just see Kelly being frienimies with Kimora Lee Simmons and just one upping each other in progressively louder voices while chugging champagne and glaring at each other?) and she name drops Calvin Klein, Cindy Crawford, etc.  Kelly also claims that France and Italy have obesity rates of less than 10% which I am too lazy to google but feels like it is wrong.  Anyway, Kelly doesn’t want you to think that being HOT is only for naturally hot people like her (she actually says “My hair may look ready for Victoria’s Secret, but I am still a girl from the Midwest), but actually HOT is a state of mind.

I finally figured Kelly out!  She is just a grade A stone cold weirdo. image source: realitytvgifs.com

Anyway, Kelly is going to enlighten us on how to get to a METAPHYSICAL hot af state.  First up, meal planning!  She lists a bunch of healthy food to buy, like brown rice and avocados.  I know there is very rarely revolutionary advice in any diet book, but I was hoping for at least one wacky batshit rec from KKB.  One thing she DOES approve of is booze!

i like this, kkb! image source: tenor.com

KKB’s advice is just a bunch of totally random ideas strung together.  So, exactly what you would expect.  Things like “don’t dress like a slob at the grocery store,” “don’t be boring or you have no reason to be hot” and “don’t text too much, not hot.”  Um, okay?

Next up, exercise!  Kelly wants you to exercise every day.  But only like a little bit, not like an hour.  She is busy and you might be too!  But not as busy as her.  She was married to Gilles Bensimon and he was A NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL so Kelly’s shhhhhhedul is much, much more packed than yours.  She gives a lot of super weird advice, like eat some oranges and coffee before working out, which might be bad for you but maybe not, whatever, your choice.  Some example exercise plans “run 20 minutes, do ballet squats.”  I AM LEARNING SO MUCH!

money can’t buy you hot!  i want a copy of this gif (with movement) to hang in my house.  zarin’s face! image source: wifflegif.com

YOU GUYS Kelly actually (and I am not kidding) says jogging in traffic IS MUCH SAFER than jogging on the sidewalk because TEXTING (dis bish sure hates texts) and also hitting pedestrians is, and I quote, TOO MUCH PAPERWORK FOR CABS.

um… image source: finedesigngroup.com

She also suggests not dressing in a way that invites men to holler at you (WHAT THE FUCK YEAR IS THIS?!  I guess it’s your fault that cab ran you over even with all the reports they are going to have to fill out now because you were wearing that slutty crop top) and I am exhausted of being HOT.  Keep in mind, i have read less than 40 pages of this garbage book at this point and all I have learned is that Kelly doesn’t understand traffic laws and probably thinks Kellyanne Conway is a real neat lady.

Next up, a workout to give you “leggier legs” which, what the fuck.  Unfortunately for US FAT WHORES, Kelly cannot “give us her legs” but she also wants us to know she works real hard for her gams.  If having the leaggiest legs in the land means I gotta play real life frogger, I am okay with just being fat, thanks.

Next up, some bullshit about balance and… I am already asleep.

ah yes, hot AND crazy. living the dream! image source: realitytvgifs.com