LOOK AT SIMON’S FACE. image source: amazon.com

YOU GUYS, I am sure you have heard by now that Bravo’s number one try-hard Jill Zarin is going to appear on the next season of Real Housewives of New York.  In the words of other famous New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder… whatever happened to resident weirdos Alex and Simon?

um…. image source: bravo.com

Apparently, they now live in Australia and Alex recently became a psychologist.  Which, WOW.  I mean, I am sure she is like a nice lady and all, but between the extreme co-dependent relationship she has with Simon and her pathological need to be pretentious, let’s hope that the work begins at home.   ANYWAY, in 2010, Alex and Simon wrote a book with a ridiculously long title: Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City with Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle.  Um, edit, people.  The whole thing is basically a love letter to New York (and themselves), which is sort of sad in retrospect as they ended up leaving NYC.

ruh roh. image source: gomiblog.com

Alex and Simon met through a late 90s version of grindr and were supposed to just hang out and hook up (gross) but actually fell in love and Simon relocated to the States for Alex. They were WAY too urban and cool to ever have kids.  Who needs kids?!  They were YOUNG and SUCCESSFUL and too cool for school city people who didn’t need to procreate.  However, three years into their marriage they changed their minds!  The timeline jumps all over the place here but their son Francios and Johan were born within a few years.  During her pregnancies, Alex alternates between sounding completely sane (I did everything in moderation while pregnant, if I wanted half a glass of champagne, I had one) and totally batshit (her first doctor wanted to give her medicine!  HOW DARE THEY).  Basically, Alex took a pretty European approach to pregnancy and and super American one to birth.  She was very adamant about having a natural birth, which of course is her prerogative, but being super smug about everything going well (like she had any real control over it) is just exhausting and so off putting.

god, we all just wish we were alex. image source: giphy.com

Okay.  Are you ready to die and then die again a thousand times and then never want to eat again and to throw your computer against the wall and then run down the hall screaming in horror?

Ready?

While Alex was giving birth to Francios, Simon got so, um, excited, that he CAME IN HIS PANTS when the baby finally came out.

i.. i… literally cannot. image source: gifsec.com

And Alex just throws this into a random paragraph, like aren’t we just too fun and quirky?  The answer is NO, Alex.  NO.  Your children’s friends are going to find this horror show of a book one day and I can pretty much guarantee Francios is going to hear about the fact that his father jizzed himself when he was born.  No child should ever have to hear about that EVER.

sure, laugh it up now! image source: wifflegif.com

This book is mostly an extension of an episode of RHONY- Alex and Simon alternately bragging about how rich and sophisticated they are.  They aren’t like regular parents!  They are FANCY URBAN parents who aren’t going to let things like a baby get in the way of their lifestyle.  Alex and Simon took Francios on an international flight when he was less than a month old; they took one-day old Johan out for cocktails.  I mean, it’s all great to maintain a sense of your old self when you have children, especially in this day and age where you are basically judged by everyone around you from the second the sperm hits the egg, but COME ON.  You are begging people to be scandalized by your choices so that you can turn around and feel validated that you are just better than everyone.  Alex brings her baby to a film job and doesn’t understand why everyone didn’t want her there with her child- “anti-baby prejudice.”  Um, I am pretty sure that most work places aren’t jumping up and down for you to bring your kid to work without you know, maybe asking someone first?

THE NERVE. image source: giphy.com

Alex and Simon clearly didn’t learn what was so off putting about them on RHONY.  They name drop every famous restaurant and say things like “Francios knew that we had left France when we entered Italy because the language on the signs was different when he was three years old.”  I rolled my eyes so hard, they fell out.  Next up, more pretentious “tips” from the weirdest couple on the planet.