Where were you when you first heard the earth-shattering news?

If you don’t know what I am talking about, you better sit down for this one.

Teresa Giudice and Danielle Staub are friends again.

No really!  http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/teresa-giudice-talks-about-that-danielle-staub-reunion-watch-w447499

Actually, I am not mad at this reunion.  After the SNOOZE FEST that was this last season of RHONJ, I would welcome Danielle back into the mix with open arms.  Sure, she was insanely delusional, ridiculously self righteous for someone who openly admitted to being a call girl, but she definitely added an element to the show that was necessary.  I don’t CARE about Melissa Gorga.  I don’t even UNDERSTAND why Jacqueline is so mad at everyone and why her nice husband puts up with her antics.  And I don’t CARE to.  Without Milania Giudice, I probably wouldn’t watch at all anymore.

So, with the news of Tre and Dani reuniting, I felt it was time to go back to the good ol’ days of New Jersey and sit down with “the book.”  No, not Cop Without a Badge, but Danielle’s own SUPER honest and raw (lolllll times one million) memoir, The Naked Truth.  You guys, it DELIVERS.  It is so full of contradictions and wonderful, weird stories that I can’t get over it.  Onto THE BOOK!

As all books by real housewives should, the book opens with a quote from Emily Dickinson.  I am sure Danielle is intimately familiar with her work and didn’t just google fancy lady quotes.  We open with Danielle telling us that she is adopted and that her biological mother came from a VERY fancy and mob-connected family in Sicily and was sent to America to give birth to her out-of-wedlock baby as she was only 14 when she got pregnant.  Her mother was so important and well-connected, that her father was MURDERED for knocking her up.  Well, she thinks he was.  Maybe.  Someone told her that once.

Anyway, Danielle knew before anyone told her that she had a fancy Italian family tree.  Because at the tender age of 5, she already knew about Baccarat crystal and liked fancy linens her adopted mother had never even heard of.  She also can cook Italian food like nobody’s business without ANY training and can predict what you are cooking by looking at it and smelling it.  YOU GUYS, the lifelong debate of nature vs. nurture has been solved once and for all!  Danielle Staub did it, you guys.  Her tea parties with Porthault napkins and Waterford stemware prove that one’s tastes are inherited, not taught.

So Danielle was adopted by a couple who had tragically lost five sons to cystic fibrosis.  They did have one biological child that also had cystic fibrosis, Ronnie, who was still alive when Danielle was adopted.  She loved him fiercely and claims that she was the one who found him dead from the disease when she was barely two years old.  After Ronnie passed away, Danielle says that things got really bad around her house. Her parents had been doing okay financially, but then they were insanely poor and had to move from squalid house to squalid house.  This is where Danielle seems to start exaggerating quite a few of the details.

Danielle claims that there were literally rats running around her homes growing up.  But then she talks about getting into an accident in her father’s brand new enormous pick-up truck.  She claims that everything she owned was shabby and second hand but then talks about Lucky, her horse.  And her dad had a horse too!  I mean, how many people do you know that are barely able to feed themselves that also have a fucking show horse?!  I is confused.  She also talks about rampant sexual abuse that I am not going to discuss because it is horrible and sad.

Danielle got her first serious boyfriend when she was 14 and they quickly got engaged.  Most people that “got engaged” as a freshman in high school would look back on it now and laugh about their naiveté, but Danielle discusses it with the seriousness of an engagement she broke off six months ago.  She breaks his heart and blames it on her anger at her father, which she never really explains.  It seems like Danielle did have a lot of bad shit happen to her in her life, but she has a LOT of anger at her adopted parents.  Her next boyfriend she met at a bar and they run away to Florida together.  After she lives in Miami awhile, we get the greatest sentence ever written by a housewife about Don Johnson:

“Don and I continued our conversation about aromas.”

There is so much good stuff coming up…