There is No F**king Secret: Part Four

missed part one, part two, or part three? check em out!

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last installment, y’all! image source: giphy.com

More letters from Kelly O…

DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION

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dee and Charlie have got it under control. image source: giphy.com

Kelly jumps right in and says that she has tried basically every drug except for crack.  One time she did meth thinking it was coke and stayed up all night cleaning her house with a toothbrush (how cliché) because she sneezed afterward and thought her dog might somehow eat some meth molecules and die.  At least it is more productive than just say, vomiting all over your bed!  As a child, Kelly promised herself she would never do drugs after watching her dad struggle her whole life.  In fact, Ozzy went to rehab the day after Kelly was born. I’m sure that was a real fun time for Sharon!  Kelly and Jack both struggled with addiction simultaneously, but never used together, which surprised me.  Jack got sober first, at 17 and Kelly spent a few more years dealing with her demons.  Kelly REALLY wants you to know that drugs are NOT cool, and she hates the way the media/society glamorizes rock stars/starlets who have died of overdoses.

REHAB

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oh amy… gone too soon. image source: giphy.com

Kelly went to 3 different rehab facilities and an insane number of home detoxes before she got to where she is today (which is not “sober” in the AA sense, and she is not in the program.  But she doesn’t do anything beyond have the occasional glass of champagne).  Kelly says that the first time she went to rehab, she shoved a bunch of pills down her throat after her family insisted she needed treatment.  She blacked out and came to in the intake room of rehab, having peed her pants.  In the words of Fergie Ferg, G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S!  The most surreal part was that Kelly realized their was a TV on, and she watched her parents on Larry King Live tell the world that she had gone into rehab while waiting to be checked into rehab.  -insert Chrissy Teigan cringe face-

Although the letters is a cute concept and kind of works well in this book, I do think a more timeline traditional narrative could be helpful at times.  There is a lot of repeating in here and I am confused on what happened when in relation to another event.

BODY

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sharknado 7? what??? image source: giphy.com

 

You want to fix your body/self-esteem issues?  Just go on Dancing with the Stars!  No, for real.  Holly Madison, Leah Remini and so many others just fucking GUSH about how it was the most amazing experience ever. Kelly LOVED it and lost FIFTY fucking pounds.  FIFTY!  It also (not surprisingly) helped with her self-esteem as it was so far out of her comfort zone.  I don’t watch that show, but I did watch some clips of Erika Jayne from this past season, so I got the jist.

RA

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shhhh, Kelly, shhhh… image source: giphy.com

Um, this part is sort of embarrassing…. apparently Kelly made some racial gaffe on The View (I definitely don’t watch that show) and it destroyed her.  I believe her when she says it was a total accident, and I don’t think she is racist at all.  HOWEVER her advice about race is SO privileged white lady and in our current racially charged climate, it feels so so so cringe-y: “just don’t see race!  Just see people!”  Ugh, girl.  I get what you are trying to say, but people are literally being murdered for their skin color/religion in this country right now.

SOCIAL MEDIA

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without Kelly, we probably wouldn’t have kim.  respek. image source: giphy.com

Guys, did you know that SOME people portray their lives on social media outlets to be MORE PERFECT than their real lives actually are?!  If you didn’t know this, I would recommend getting Kelly’s book immediately to hear her ground-breaking insights into this phenomenon.

SEAT PISSERS*

*umm…

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we probably wouldn’t have paris either… image source: giphy.com

Okay, so I had to rewind this like 6 times to understand what Kelly was saying here… basically, she wants people to always flush the toilet and make sure they didn’t, uh, sprinkle on it before walking out of the stall.  I mean, I agree, but if you have to dedicate a whole section of your book to this common sense, you might want to go back through and add a “very” and “so” and (since this is Kelly Osbourne’s book) “fucking” to every paragraph to hit your word count, bb.

Also, if you want to ruin someone who loves cocaine’s night, put Vaseline on the top of the toilet tanks and cackle while their drugs dissolve.  Hot tip!

GROWING

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totes grown, y’all! image source: giphy.com

Being 30 doesn’t mean anything anymore, yew guise.  Kelly knows plenty of people who don’t have jobs and live with their parents in their 30s.  You don’t have to be married with kids!  I mean, yeah, duh, but maybe have a job and don’t live with your parents.  Kelly is grown up af now but it doesn’t look like she imagined it as a child.  THE END.

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