uncharted terriTORI: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

tori 1.gif

my shoulder hurts from dancing. take me to the hospital! image source: s111.photobucket.com

SO where were we?  Ah yes, Tori was letting us know why she is basically just the hardest working lady plus best mother of all time and it’s fine that YOU (cough, Dean, cough) can have hobbies and make time for yourself, but Tori just can’t.  So there is a long, super passive aggressive section where she just complains about Dean riding motorcycles and she hates it SO much but won’t tell him to stop because THAT would be annoying.  Anyway, I can’t write about this topic anymore without ripping my own face off, so moving on!

You know who else Tori is better than?  All of the other moms at her kids’ school.

tori 2.gif

girl, you know it’s true. image source: giphy.com

Sorry all you other moms- Tori felt guilty for not doing much with her kids’ school because of her ONE MILLION BUSINESSES (never forget), and when one mom makes a comment about it, Tori decides she will show these bitches what’s what.  She literally recoils in horror thinking about these terrible moms who bring fucking STORE BOUGHT snacks to school instead of homemade Pinterest-worthy displays of mommy perfection.  I mean, didn’t she JUST SAY she had never gotten involved in the school parties before?  And now she is judging the shit out of everyone else?!  WTF, Tori.  All this Deaner and fictional Canadian (also never forget) Emily Goodhand plus all of the future bankruptcies seem like some fucking karmic payback at this point.  Anyway, this chapter is Tori explaining how perfect and creative and better than yours all of her Halloween snacks are (if you are interested in this, please go to pinterest.com and have your friend read the recipes out lout to you.  It’s just that interesting.)


“I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS!” image source: primogif.com

So even though Tori sent her kids over to Candy Spelling’s house with the nanny (as one does), things were not good between Tori and her mom still.  HOWEVER, Candy eventually throws out an olive branch (not one made of solid gold, unfortunately for Tori & Dean) and invites the whole family to her epic Christmas party.  Tori is very nervous, but excited to try to reunite with the one standing between her and the money, I mean her mom.  She makes sure to dress the children with care and they head over to Spelling Manor.  Now THIS is what I want to hear about!  I don’t give a shit about Tori’s better-than-yours preschool one-up snacks.  I want to hear about drama with her family and stories about her childhood.


more 90210, less… whatever zip code you live in now. image source: giphy.com

So the party actually goes pretty well for Tori, even though, hilariously, she complains a lot that the blinis that Candy serves with the caviar are different than in her childhood.  We can all relate to that!  Besides the caviar DISASTER (plus Tori also only got to eat crab legs and no real food, wahhhhh), Tori’s daughter Stella broke several ornaments on one of Candy’s perfectly decorated trees.  Tori was HORRIFIED but Candy actually handled this major setback really well.  Beyond all of Tori’s complaining, just hearing about this amazing party was the best part of the book. There were hundreds of people there and LIVE toy soldiers and an ENTIRE ROOM filled with candy and desserts.  I don’t care how much you hate your mother- you take your kids to that shit.  Hell, take ME to that shit.    I will sit around and talk shit about Tori and Dean with Candy Spelling any day.

tori 9.gif

no real reason for this gif other than I LOVE IT and it looks like if Lisa Rinna was born a Spelling. image source: giphy.com

Anyway, more of Tori being passive aggressive with Dean (including an awkward passage where another psychic [girl, i think I know why you broke] tells her that Dean cheated on her in a past life.  FORESHADOWING!), Tori has SO many businesses, blah blah blah.  Man, when I watched Tori’s short-lived (but AMAZING) show noTORIous on VH1 all those years ago, I actually really liked her.  She seemed to have a good sense of humor about being Tori Spelling.  After reading this book, all I know is that homegirl needs to start saving some of the “profits” from her one million businesses, cut back on her psychic spending and STOP HAVING MORE KIDS WITH THE DEANER IF YOU SO BROKE.

The end.

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