Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Three

missed part one or part two?  check em out!

1

you “woman from Detroit!” image source: allaboutherh.com

We are back with more crazypants advice from how to be an American woman circa 1955.  V v on trend in 2017.  First up, we MUST and I mean MUST learn out to clean our houses, ladies.  Although Phaedra does say to teach your daughters AND your sons to properly wield a mop, this is just so weird.  I am sorry, but I imagine that Phaedra is not scrubbing her own damn toilets at this point.  Also, stay in good graces with all of your exes.  Not only because it is the right thing to do, but also you never know when you might need someone to hang your curtains for you

Okay, hold up.

WHAT!?!??!? I am pretty sure that Phaedra can fucking pay someone to hang her goddamn curtains and not be cordial to some fuckhead (like, oh, you know, her ex-husband who is currently in prison) to do it for her because she is tee hee just a girl!

2

mmm hmmm. image source: giphy.com

Now onto a hilarious section that has nothing to do with the rest of this nonsense and I LOVE it.  Crafts, y’all!  As in like WEAVING and HOBBY LOBBY.  Phaedra loves herself a craft, ESPECIALLY the bedazzled variety.  YESSSS!  THIS is what I have been waiting for.  Phaedra knows that not all women are naturally crafty, but she thinks almost anyone can bedazzle an initial on something as a hostess gift.  Homegirl LOVES a monogram on just about anything, including yoga mats.  I guess I know what to get Phaedra if I ever get invited to a party.  I’m pretty sure you could give her a dildo as long as it had a hot pink bejeweled P (lol) on it and it would still please a Southern Belle.

3

lord have mercy! image source: giphy.com

Another chapter about dressing conservatively… wake me up when Phaedra trots out another vacation look.  Another thing Southern Belles need? SEASONAL DECORATIONS! This book is so so weird.  Each chapter is approximately 80 words in a teeny tiny font and makes either the same declaration over and over again (don’t show your tits in a slutty top!  Southern Belles are always on time and perfectly groomed!) or completely bonkers disjointed demands (bust out that glue gun girl, because we be BEDAZZLIN some shit).  So, I guess go put on a high necked blouse, make sure your nails look perfect and get to bedazzling a giant bunny just in time for Easter.  But DON’T put a Christmas wreath on your car, boo boo.  Phaedra says that is tacky.

ppp.gif

well, she is not wrong. image source: tumblr.com

Next up is some nonsense about having nice jewelry (Phaedra would have a diamond duvet if she could afford it!  Sounds… uncomfortable.  Plus I bet you could bedazzle yourself one, you crafty lil minx).  Then a bunch of VERY specific dressing rules, of which I am sure Phaedra has broken several, such as never wear all-denim (I know that at least Nene and Cynthia have successfully rocked full denim jumpsuits, if not Miss Parks herself).  My favorite rule by far is NO POLAR FLEECE, which, props to Phaedra.  I really can’t envision her wearing an Old Navy tech vest, no matter the situation.  It just cracks me up that she is so uptight about her clothing- this is a woman who wore a skintight lime green onesie with cut outs for her exercise video with Apollo (which was fabulous- check out my review here).  But looking through photos of Phaedra, I guess she does dress pretty lady like when not working on her donkey booty or on vacation.

ppp3.gif

this, this i like. image source: primogif.com

Next up, in the final installment of this hot mess, we will learn how to name AND dress our children (spoiler alert: do NOT let little girls dress like Lady Gaga or Madonna), and also how to cook like a Southern Belle (I am going to surprise my husband with Phaedra’s biscuit recipe while not wearing anything slutty like PANTS).  Finally, something to look forward to!

pppp4.gif

thank you, pp! image source: lipstickalley.com

3 thoughts on “Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Three

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