The Secrets of My Life: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

cait 11.gif

isn’t it literally in the title of this book that she does? image source:

So Bruce wins the gold medal at the 1976 Olympics in the decathlon and stares at himself naked in the mirror wearing only the medal (um, okay).  He should feel like he has accomplished something SO huge, but his gender issues (as he describes them) continue to plague his self-confidence.   Even though he had essentially turned himself into the very personification of masculinity, Bruce knew he was still really running away from himself (YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?  RUNNING!)  Before his training, Bruce met his first wife, Chrystie (just imagine if she had spelled her name Khrystie.  Somewhere in America, a teen mom just got an idea for her baby name).  While Bruce worked on the ‘Lympics, Chrystie worked as a flight attendant (this is all so 70s, I love it) and was the bread winner.

cait 12

FEMINISM! image source:

After winning the Olympics, Bruce tries his hand at several different jobs, including sports broadcasting and endorsement deals.  He struggles with his dyslexia again and it doesn’t come easily.  He auditions for the role of Superman but says he wouldn’t cut his hair (his one nod to his feminine side) and so the role went to Christopher Reeve instead.  This part is sort of boring… Caitlyn is not a very gifted writer and the fact that she is also kind of an asshole makes it hard to believe she never has a hand in any failures on her part.  Maybe it is her gender dysphoria, but Caitlyn doesn’t seem to have a very good relationship with frankly ANYONE.

cait 13

I SO wanted to like you, girl. image source:

Tragically, Bruce’s younger brother Burt died in a car crash when he was barely out of high school.  Bruce and Chrystie name their first child after him but turns out, having a baby when your marriage is bad won’t fix anything (WHO KNEW!?).  They separate and Bruce is mostly worried what this news will do to his squeaky clean public image (see: asshole, Cailtyn Jenner is an).  So he does what any man worried about his reputation does- went to the Playboy Mansion to get a new gal.  This is where Caitlyn loses me on the whole “I’m SUPER CONSERVATIVE” front even mo.  Homegirl has been divorced three times, had multiple children with three different women and yet still REALLY respects marriage as it was intended?  I know that her issues with her gender probably played a HUGE role in her divorces, but LADY come on!

cait 14.gif

I kinda get why Khloe doesn’t want to talk to you, bb. image source:

At the Playboy mansion, Bruce meets Linda Thompson, who was Elvis Presley’s girlfriend for four years (and who was later married to David Foster who was married to RHOBH star Yolanda Hadid, mother of Gigi and Bella… the incestuous nature of reality television is MIND BOGGLING) and they hit it off.  However, Bruce and Chrystie (I cringe every time I type that) are still technically married, so Linda tells Bruce to work on his marriage and she would just be his “friend.”  Uh huh.  I am SURE that is just how it happened.  But Bruce does go back to his wife and try to work it out.  However, there is no fixing the marriage and Chrystie moves out without telling Bruce when he is away on a work trip.  So he calls up Linda and they immediately begin dating.  Then things get VERY complicated (almost wrote complicated, but stopped myself).  Chrystie calls up Bruce and tells him that she is pregnant.

cait 15.gif

and Caitlyn, you ARE the father: image source:

Bruce says that Chrystie won’t let him be involved with this child and he tells her she should get an abortion.



Mr. I Don’t Think Gay People Should Have Any Rights and religious conservative Bruce Jenner told his WIFE that she should get an abortion because it would look bad for his fucking public image?

jez 3.gif

oh it’s like THAT, now is it. image source:

Chrystie refuses and later sells a story to People Magazine about the whole tawdry mess.  Bruce is confused by this (REALLY, ASSHOLE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE WOULD WANT TO HURT YOU) and is not present for the birth of his daughter, Cassandra.  Lovely!  Instead, he knocks up Linda Thompson and they quickly get married.  We run through this part VERY quickly and fucking Bruce doesn’t even mention the birth of either of the future Princes of Malibu, Brody and Brandon.  I recently listened to an episode of Heather McDonald’s podcast (don’t judge, she mostly has real housewives on so it is basically research) where Spencer Pratt said the Bruce Jenner was the world’s WORST father and I can’t believe I am saying this, but SPENCER PRATT IS RIGHT.

cait 16.gif

dude, his twitter is a goddamn DELIGHT. image source:

SO that marriage dies after less than 5 years.  0 for 2 for the ol’ Brucer!  Up next, I think we will FINALLY meet a lil lady named Miss Kristen Kardashian…

cait 17.gif

lord, help us all… image source:







4 thoughts on “The Secrets of My Life: Part Two

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    I have to admit, I despise EVERYTHING about the K-family…Caitlyn is just a bad spin-off.
    And I say that as someone that struggles with sexuality, struggles with gender and is a registered republican…lol


  2. Peppermint Petty says:

    Bruce was an asshole, it just wasn’t as noticeable because the Kardashian’s out ass-holed him.

    This is totally OT, but Burt and his girlfriend/partner own a doggie daycare & boarding business. It’s called West LA Dogs, and their Instagram page is one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s