Bulletproof: Part One



god, I feel old just looking at this. image source: newsegg.com

Guys, I have mostly avoided Teen Mom and it’s… stars(?) until this point because I find the whole thing just too… sad.  Obviously making these mostly disenfranchised children reality stars didn’t do much for improving their life, considering having more money seemed to only increase addictions (to fame, plastic surgery, drugs, etc) and didn’t do much to help their offspring either.  But of all the sad, sad girls, Maci seemed to be the most level headed and actually appeared to be a good mother.  Besides Caitlynn (and Tyler!  they are the best), Maci seemed to actually be somewhat mature, especially when dealing with the sack of shit father of her son, Bentley.

maci 1.gif

lol u r horrible! image source: tumblr.com

Don’t worry, I will NEVER review ANYTHING by Farrah Abraham.  NOTHING.

Anywho, I got the book (which is a NY Times Bestseller, so between that and Trump, the end really must be nigh) in audiobook format, as I find the really dumb ones easier to listen to rather than to try to read it (it’s much harder to skip pages while listening).  Maci reads it herself, so good for her!  She is already crushing Melissa Gorga.  She does have a super strong accent, but somehow also manages some Valley Girl up-speak (i.e. ending? her? sentences? like? questions?), so it’s all very MTV.

audi im done.gif

the hills was basically teen mom sans babies but with equally bad men. image source: pandawhale.com

So anyway, lil ol Maci was just a regular gal growing up in Chattanooga, Tennessee.  Her parents had her brother when her mom was just 17, which I found very intriguing.  That means when her brother was 16, she was MY AGE which makes me want to go stick my head deep in a pile of snow.  (I mean actual snow, not cocaine.  I’m not RHONY Dorinda [ALLEGEDLY!  NOT CLAIMING ANY KNOWLEDGE!])  Maci wasn’t a wild child or anything.  She was just very into motocross, as one is.  Although she was not interested in finding a BF, she met Ryan (Rhineeeee for anyone who has ever watched Maci on television).  He was “very charming,” which I find pretty hard to believe.  Attractive, yes.  Charismatic?  No.

mama june.gif

he’s not the WORST dad on teen mom, but that’s like being the least smelly pile of barf. image source: giphy.com

Maci lets us know that they started their relationship via Myspace, which was “what kids did in those days,” like she is explaining how two teenagers communicated via telegrams during a war.  God, Teen Mom is the MySpace of shows.  Even those terrible animated graphics they have of scrapbooks or whatever are so 2006 it hurts.  I blame Tom.

ANYWAY, Maci and Rhhhhhine fall in deep teenage love, and eventually have sex.  Okay, now here is the issue I have.  Maci seems like a smart(ish) girl, and a freaking brainiac compared to most of these ladies, but she says she never even THOUGHT about condoms or any form of birth control.  No one had ever talked to her about it, and so it never crossed her mind.  Now, she was sixteen years old, and the information is all out there for the taking, but seriously, Bristol Palin, tell me again how teaching abstinence prevents teen pregnancy?


just a couple a babies pre marriage! image source: giphy.com

One day, a few months after Maci starts sleeping with Rhiiiiiine, her boobs hurt and she almost faints and IMMEDIATELY knows she is pregnant.  Ruh roh!  Because Maci’s mom is still in her mid-30s (gulp), she still has some pregnancy tests in the house so Maci takes one and YEP.  Baby on board!  Maci tells Rhiiiiine and he seems shocked but okay with it.  Eventually, she texts her mom FROM SCHOOL to tell her she is knocked up. Call me old fashioned (or just old), but wouldn’t hearing that directly from your child vs. seeing it on your goddamn flip phone (probably).



fine, I am just old af. ps I love the source of this gif. how fitting. image source: teen.com

Maci’s parents are shocked but supportive.  I will say, she acknowledges several times that her situation, while still stressful and incredibly challenging, was the best possible scenario for teen pregnancy possible.  Both sets of grandparents were involved and helpful and neither set blamed the other child involved.  However, Rhiiiiine seemed to be not-so-interested in the pregnancy and Maci missed playing softball.  The whole thing is not very dramatic, and basically sounds exactly like it looked on the show. Maci does make one interesting distinction- she says although she always looks very calm on Teen Mom (and 16 and Pregnant), she felt very chaotic and distressed inside.  It just never showed on camera.  Which is basically the opposite of every other reality star ever.



vicki gunvalson, the og calm, cool and collected on camera. image source: survivorsucks.yuku.com

Maci gives birth and it’s hard raising lil Bentley, but she also loves it.  Rhiiiine sucks blah blah blah there is nothing new here.  Eventually, the two call it quits. Turns out that for two teenagers, being engaged and having a baby all before you can legally vote or buy a pack of Kools isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be.  Stay tuned for part two (chock full of Farrah Abraham and Amber Portwood, natch)…



wait… what? image source: giphy.com







3 thoughts on “Bulletproof: Part One

  1. nayselode says:

    this was funny! I have to agree she must have known about condoms or the pill. They probably just didn’t care about getting pregnant. or maybe they were the ones that were like “oh no, I’d never get pregnant.”


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