I Can Make You Hot! Cooking with Kelly

missed part onepart two or part three? check em out!

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i’m guessing the recipe is just gummy bears artfully arranged on some spinach. image source: primogif.com

You guys,something pretty funny happened… Kelly Bensimon liked ALL of my instagram posts about her and even commented with some heart emojis… Methinks she didn’t read any of my posts because I basically call her a crazy person who doesn’t know how to read… well, maybe she had her intern “read” it to her and she just heard the good parts!  Like she is thin and good at jogging amongst moving vehicles. Continue reading

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I Can Make You Hot! Part Three

missed part one or part two? check em out!

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i don’t know what this means. but i like it. STOP BEING RED! image source: giphy.com

Now we get to the boring-eat (usually) part of every make over your life book- how to dress yourself.  I only say that it is boring in that EVERY book is exactly the same!  Don’t wear trends!  Find what works for  YOUR body!  Buy these classic pieces!  Find a great tailor!  BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHRGG.  BUT I will say that Kelly shared an great anecdote about Madonna ignoring her when she was still carrying her baby weight after he second baby.  Madonna had just had Rocco and was skinny and fit af and Kelly’s ex-husband NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER Gilles Bensimon was taking her photo for the cover of ELLE magazine.  Kelly was wearing a big ol fat shirt and looked like shit and Madonna wouldn’t talk to her.  NO IDEA what this has to do with dressing yourself, but it was a good story regardless. Continue reading

I Can Make You Hot! Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

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excuse you, like there’s another gwyneth. image source: etonline.com

Onto the diet portion of the book, where Kelly proclaims that she doesn’t like diets or believe in them or go on them.  I would like to point out here that the subtitle of this book is “The Supermodel Diet,” but let’s not let things like logic or reality get in the way of Kelly’s proclamations.  This is the world we live in now!  Better get used to it. Continue reading

I Can Make You Hot! Part One

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is the diet gummy bear-based?

YOU GUYS I finally found the RIGHT Kelly Bensimon (I’m sorry, I mean Kelly Killoran Bensimon, or KKB as she sometimes refers to herself) book on how to be hot af!  I once accidentally bought another book by KKB called The Bikini Book that was actually just a book about bikinis and pictures of them and shit. (you can read all about my shame here)  This time I CAN FINALLY learn all of KKB’s secrets!  Like be 6 feet tall and be naturally skinny and beautiful! Continue reading

Get It! Part One

 

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please ignore my chipped nail polish. I haven’t learned how to “get it” yet.

You guys, I am confused.

First of all, Jacqueline Laurita wrote a book?  And maybe I missed something, but I feel like she never mentioned it ONCE her whole crazy pants last season of RHONJ?  These hos are usually shilling every chance they GET (see: Bethenny Frankel) and she mentioned the stupid popcorn company (just what everyone wants- smaller popcorn kernels!) one million times but never this?

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Balancing in Heels: Cooking with Kristin

missed part one, part two, part three or part four? check em out!

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I also gaze solemnly at my peppers while prepping them. image source: lazygirls.info

SO now that we have learned how to not eat like a garbage person, it’s time to cook with Kristin.  I figured her recipes would be reminiscent of the food I ate on Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop cleanse, and I was not wrong.  Kristin herself is very goop-lite and I wouldn’t be surprised if she launched a full-on lifestyle brand website soon.  Instagram-type persons are very good at creating an enviable-looking world, and some (Gwyneth, Reese Witherspoon) are very successful whereas others fall laughably short (Blake Lively, RIP Preserve).  Based on this book alone, unless Kristin hires a crack marketing team, I am not holding my breath.

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Balancing in Heels: Part One

balancing in heels

what a weird title… image source: eonline.com

If Instagram were a person, I’m pretty sure that person would be Kristin Cavallari.  Think about it: bronde (blonde + brown)  hair with perfect blonde face-framing tendrils, famous athlete husband, cute kids, a commitment to health and wellness with absolutely no credentials whatsoever.  I never really had that big of an opinion about KCav either way, until it came out that she was against vaccinating her children.  When asked why, Kristin basically said she had a read “a study” but couldn’t remember the name of it and also don’t discount Dr. Jenny McCarthy!  So now i think she is a grade A moron, but she is like, really pretty, so let’s see what other bon mots she can offer us!

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