Secrets of the Southern Belle: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

 

pp1

srsly JC, hit the gas. image source: straightfromthea.com

 

Ugh, I can’t wait to be done with this nonsense so I can finally make some Phaedra Parks signature biscuits and pretend I never read this book.  As I have said before, Phaedra WAS my favorite real housewife, but Miss Sonja Morgan might be back in first place after reading this sexist nonsense.  Phaedra wants you to dress your little girls LIKE little girls, and while I agree that dressing girls like mini prostitutes isn’t good for anyone, I don’t think you have to have your kids wear bobbysocks and pinafores and shit.  Phaedra has two boys!  Do you know how messy kids are?  I make my kid brush his teeth shirtless because he can’t do it without smearing toothpaste everywhere (and homeboy still usually manages to get that shit in my hair and his, somehow).

pp2.gif

this is Phaedra “not” judging me. image source: brokegifs.com

I feel like this book could have been 10 pages instead of 250.  Page One: Don’t be a ho. Page Two: Don’t dress like a ho.  Page Three: Don’t look like a ho.  Page Four: Crafts!  Page Five: Don’t judge a ho.  Page Six: Don’t dress others like a ho.  Page Seven: Jesus! And thank you notes. Page Eight: Again, cover up dem titties.  I guess maybe only eight pages and maybe some stern photos of Phaedra to remind you that she is a judge (probably) and will fine you for failing to comply with the rules of the Southern Belle.

pp3

ugh, this shit is exhausting.  am I becoming #teamkenya? image source: giphy.com

Now, just because she is uptight and judgy af, don’t think Phaedra doesn’t have fun!  Now I know she does because she is a on a reality show where she hangs out with Porsha and does stuff like wear a thong bikini and have a church service with wine in a hotel room in Hawaii.  Shit like that I can get behind.  But TV Phaedra and book Phaedra are not the same person.  I know I bought a book that’s entire shtick is about being a fine southern lady, but I expected it to be WAY more tongue-in-cheek and WAY less Miss Manners.

 

pp4

all true southern belles know that “incase” is one word. image source: tumblr.com

Next up, some boring ass rules for tailgating that don’t involve keg stands or bigass turkey legs so I am NOT interested.  Then, Miss Phaedra decides to tell us it’s really better if you don’t have kids before you get married.  Um, isn’t this the same woman who had a baby like six months after her wedding and tried to claim her doctor just “preferred” women to give birth at like 28 weeks?  I may have not written a book on southern etiquette, but I think telling such an obvious and easily provable lie is NOT a ladylike move, but I am just a hillbilly Yankee so who knows. Also, you must name your baby something that is more than one syllable, because Northern ass names like Ann or Jane are “too abrupt.”  This is officially the weirdest and most petty book I have ever read.

 

pp5

I mean what in the actual fuck. image source: hiphopillustrated.com

Apparently, they don’t have Dateline in the South because Phaedra thinks it is a really good idea to put your daughters in beauty pageants.  Because nothing says class like an army of Jon Benet Ramseys running around in blush and bashful dresses (because little southern belles look best in pink). UGH I skimmed the rest of these awful chapters until I FINALLY found one that I am excited about: how to be a grande dame.

 

pp6

I knew you would come through for me in the end, boo boo! image source: giphy.com

When Phaedra is about 65, she is going to become a grande dame, and by that she means she is not going to give ONE SINGLE FUCK anymore.  She is going to wear a big beautiful hat, eat whatever the fuck she wants, have fantastic decorative canes with like jewels and shit on them and scare the shit out of young men.  YES YES YES YES YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  All I have to say is, why wait, P?  Do it NOWWWW!  As an aspiring morturer (???) does, Phaedra ends her book with a chapter about funerals which is so weird and specific (don’t drink spiked punch at the wake, ladies) that I can’t even talk about it.  FINALLY this nonsense is over and I can finally get onto the good stuff- specifically some good ol southern cooking!

 

 

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