Heather’s Closet: Episode One



“aren’t I soooo relatable?” image source: pinterest.com

Oh Heather Dubrow, what to do with you?  At first, you seemed like a normal who wandered into a blonde party of such craziness, that you truly seemed like the first real housewife who felt like she was aware of the fuckery going on around her.  BUT THEN I listened to your podcast and realized you need Shannon’s kookiness and Tamra’s trashy hot lady vibes to foil your uptight, brunette shtick.  By yourself, you are insufferable, and even in the midst of the melted Barbies screaming at each other that is the Real Housewives of Orange County’s deal, you have kind of lost the plot.  If you make me feel sorry for the pile of stained club shirts from Wet Seal that is Kelly Dodd, you are a BAD PERSON. Continue reading

Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three?  check ’em out!

So now that we have learned every single way to improve ourselves through plastic surgery, including the risks and chance of complications, we move onto Part Three, where Heather and Terry list their favorite products.  I thought we already did this, but I guess Consult BEAUTE hasn’t had enough plugs yet, so here we go.


the sink enhances the BEAUTE of my 40 million dollar manse. image source: lipstickalley.com


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Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig: Part Three

missed part one or part two? check ’em out!

So where were we?  Ah yes, liposuction and how to avoid dying and/or looking horrible after your plastic surgery procedures.  Terry next talks about chemical peels and…  this is boring, you guys.  Like really boring.  And only applicable if you are interested in learning EVERYTHING about every plastic surgery option EVER.  It’s like listening to someone read you the little pamphlets at your doctor’s office about things like Hypertension or Asthma.  I am so so so bored….


well jesus, heather, this isn’t what I thought I was getting! image source: tumblr.com

Doesn’t the name Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig sort of imply that a. they have tried all of these procedures and b. they gave something a try that might be something a little outside the box?  So far it’s “I like this mascara” and “don’t get your boobs done by your dental hygienist.”  Anyway, we must soldier on.  Next, we learn that Terry is actually a really decent man.  As in he refuses to operate on children under 18, even with parental permission and boldly states that no one under the age of 40 should require any type of anti-aging surgery ever.  He says that there a metric shitton of crappy plastic surgeons (and other doctors, as any surgeon can perform any surgery) who will always be happy to take your money in exchange for doing a risky or unnecessary procedure, so it is SO important to do your research on your doctors.


cool guy Terry in his leather jacket ain’t having it. image source: bravotv.com

Terry reminds us over and over again to do extensive research so you end up with someone who is ethical and who has had a ton of experience.  For example, he says that when he worked on the Fox reality show The Swan, he got a ton of practice in a very short amount of time.

Hold the phone.

He was a plastic surgeon on THE SWAN?!?


just your basic makeover show, involving 40 procedures done in a row. image source: imgur.com

In case you don’t remember 2004, The Swan was a reality makeover competition where a bunch of plain women were given a crazypants number of plastic surgery procedures, hair extensions and fitness/diet consultation while not being allowed to see themselves heal (there were no mirrors in the sad, sad Swan house).  The women were shown their “makeover” and then were lucky enough to compete in a horrible pageant to see who was truly THE SWAN.  The show was criticized heavily for, you know, seemingly putting these poor women through a fuck ton of psychological trauma for “good tv.”  How is Terry in ANY situation to criticize the morals of other surgeons when he was a part of this circus??!


your circus, your monkeys, buddy. image source: giphy.com

Terry follows up this shocker with a sad but amusing anecdote about notorious plastic surgery addict Michael Jackson.  Apparently, Terry knew some of the doctors that worked on him and in the later years, they would just put Michael under and bandage his face and tell him that the surgery went great, even though they had done nothing.  Terry is quick to point out that this is unethical, but a lot of people get very addicted to chasing the “perfect” surgery that will solve all of their problems.  Next, we talk about malpractice, assessing your surgery goals (being happier with your appearance vs. expecting all of your problems to go away), and Heather explains why she never had her boobs done after kids (they magically got better with time!)  I still can’t get over the whole Swan nonsense.


I mean, yeah, but still!  image source: realitytvgifs.tumblr.com

Then he seriously just goes through every plastic surgery ever and talks about what it does, how much it hurts, what to expect from the recover, blah blah blah…I am just not sure who this book could help?  Couldn’t you just google this shit fo’ free and put the money you would’ve spent on the book toward your surgery?


I get it, someone’s gotta pay for that porte cochere! image source: giphy.com

Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig: Part Two

missed part one? check it out!

Heather finishes up her monologue about sunscreen (wear it always unless you WANT to look like the crypt keeper, you savage) with a story about how she went tanning one time when she was a pageant contestant (of course she was).  But it didn’t work on her fair skin and she turned blotchy, oh noes!  Of course, Heather points out that she did win Miss Congeniality in the Miss New York pageant, marking the first time in Real Housewives history that anyone has been considered congenial.


I bet Sandy Bullock could play Heather in a RHOOC movie, except I’m sure Heather would prefer to play herself. image source: tumblr.com


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Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig: Part One


I’m guessing it’s mostly botox? image source: goodreads.com

Heather Dubrow, I just don’t know about you.  I used to actually like that you seemed to have your shit together both professionally AND emotionally, which is a unicorn in Real Housewives-land.  But then I listened to your podcast where you mostly complained about the stress of spending $500K on cabinets and you lost me.  However, Heather is married to the atypical Real Housewife husband as Terry is a. gainfully employed in a way that is not reliant on Bravo and b. seems to be an incredibly successful plastic surgeon (see: $500K on cabinets).  Also, his brother was in Quiet Riot, did you know that?!  Anyway, they seem to really love each other and will probably weather the reality tv divorce curse. Continue reading

Ranking the Bravolebrities Podcasts


my husband’s 9th circle of hell. image source: bravowatch.com

I have found a way to bring my love (and hate) of Bravo on my walks and in the car (and FO’ FREE!): podcasts!  I can’t believe I never realized this before.  Here’s my ranking of the millions (well, okay, just three) different podcasts I listen to from three very different BRAVOLEBRITIES (I just effing love that dumb word and try to work it into sentences as much as I possibly can):

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