Gretchen Rossi’s… Website

 

dear-god-gretchen

in heaven, there is no beaute. image source: bornefair.wordpress.com

YOU GUYS.  I am still hard at work on finishing Strong Looks Better Naked, if only so I can understand what that title effing means, but while casually perusing the web for additional Real Housewives products, I decided to take a gander at former OC housewife Gretchen Rossi’s website.  Under her label (?) Gretchen Christine, she sells basically everything you never wanted.

gretch banner

looks like someone’s web designer found my wish collage from 1998 to use as a banner. image source: gretchenchristine.com

I knew Gretchen sold “make-up,” so I wanted to see if it would be worth ordering any in order (to be honest) to laugh at how bad we all know it would be.  BUT I am also very willing to be proven wrong.  However, after looking at the “items” (and yes, I put that in quotes because HOLY SHIT) Gretch is currently hocking, I would say it’s safe to say that Slade Smiley is still unemployed and these two need a paycheck.

Her website is very confusing.  One would think, perhaps, that she would have two sites 1. her blog and connecting with her fans (?) and 2. her e-commerce site to sell her garbage.  But no, they are instead combined into one big mess of pixilated photos and photoshop fails, and then another one for just shopping?  It is just a hot mess and my UX ambassador husband (user experience, for all of you non-nerds out there) would have an aneurysm if he looked at it.

vivcki g.gif

seriously, don’t go to her site hungover or you will barf. image source: wifflegif.com

FIRST UP for purchase: handbags!

jerry-purse-o

“is that a Gretchen Christine bag?” – no one ever. image source: gifsoup.com

So, the bags are mostly inoffensive.  The look like Michael Kors knockoffs that you would find at Marshalls on clearance.  HOWEVER.  They are not priced like they are Michael Kors knockoffs you would find at Marshalls on clearance.

michael

oh gretchen.  bless your heart.  image source: wifflegif.com

This shit is like $200!  Double-you. Tee. Eff.

NOPE.

Anyway, next up is make-up and make-up “accessories,” whatever that means.  The make-up looks like straight up Wet & Wild shit.  I really want to go whole hog into picking up all the nonsense products Bravolebrities are putting out, but I just can’t spend $22 on what I know will be the worst lip gloss of all time.  Who is buying this stuff? 

scoobs

yep, I got nothing.  image source: giphy.com

By the way, “make-up accessories” are one color of nail polish and an ugly make-up bag for $29.

You know how you always look at all your clothes and think, f this, what I really need is a giant black shiny skirt with huge cabbage roses all over it that looks like Robin Sparkles would’ve worn?  No?  Are you sure?  Because you can make your dreams come true for only $149!

gretchen skirt

let’s go to the mall!  because gretchenchirstine.com is scary af. image source: shopgretchenchristine.com

Jewelry, same shit different day- just imagine if Forever21 suddenly raised their prices 10,000%.

Louis-CK-Saying-Nope

seriously, just burn your money first. image souce: gifrific.com

 

NOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SHARE.  So, GCR does actually have a separate online store that sells different stuff than her blog, but there is a lot of overlap.  Also, there is Gretchen Christine and then the Gretchen Christine Collection, and I don’t care enough to try to understand.

BUT.  There is a desk for sale.  Because it is totes on brand.  Because when I think of quality office furniture, my mind immediately goes to this woman:

grtehc 80s

“I’m telling you Vicky, early first quarter earnings reports are looking good!” image source: bsideblog.com

So imagine my relief when I saw that Gretchen has desks on her site.  FANCY desks. And…

 

desk gc

even the books are fake. and I am pretty sure that monitor is just a make-up mirror.  image source: shopgretchenchristine.com

 

Wait for it… wait for it…..

IT IS $2300.

LOLOLOLOLLLLLLLL

joe biden

I will never stop laughing. image source: gifsec.com

PLEASE let me know if you or anyone you know has bought anything from Gretchen!  I would love to hear all about it.

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