missed part one? check it out!

now THAT is friendship. image source: tumblr.com

So now we all know that Alex and Simon are better than all of us and their kids are the most bi-coastal, cultured and well-traveled tots OF ALL TIME.  You don’t have a name like Johan Van Kempen and eat McDonalds, playa.  But they are still little scamps, just like your kids!  In fact, one time, Johan thought the Hamptons was a country!

man I miss don’t trust the b. image source: tenor.com

Alex does things like nurse her babies in fabulous orchards in Morocco, while I mostly remember mall walking with my stroller along with the sad during the workday types and olds.  To each their own!  Also, Alex and Simon are (self-proclaimed) FABULOUS cooks who used to make elaborate 5-course meals just for fun.  But after the kids were born (NATURALLY, of course, because Alex isn’t a MONSTER), she realized they spent over $5,000 in one year just on Indian take-out.  You guys, I just can’t.  When you are legit bragging about how you spent four figures on some fucking roti (seriously Trader Joe’s naan is the shit, check it out), it should clue you in one why you had exactly zero fans on RHONY.

Dorit and PK are the Alex and Simon of RHOBH. image source: bustle.com

This book is so weird.  It jumps all over the place and is mostly just Alex and Simon humble bragging about all the parenting challenges they faced in Tokyo or wherever.  Their advice makes no sense for 99% of people (don’t live by family when you have children?  Just hire a live in au pair!  YOU’RE WELCOME) and they always add a disclaimer “that’s what works for us, do what works for you.”  So what exactly is the point of this whole thing?  Oh yes, it gave these two try-hards a forum to congratulate themselves on being so successful and untraditional.  If being basic means that my husband doesn’t, um, mess his pants when my kids are born, then bring on the pumpkin-spice lattes, BITCH.

you’re the one that put it in the book, lady. image source: rtvgames.com

Next up, a whole long boring section about au pairs vs. nannys and the pros and cons of live-in vs. outside help.  Naturally, Alex and Simon had some bones to pick with everyone watching their special little snowflakes (but also bash the overprotective mommies they see everywhere- hey there self awareness!) and were very happy to eventually have their caregivers living outside their house.  I mean, even if you are reading this in NYC, how many people do you know there that could accommodate another person plus their belongings in their house/apartment?  They even have a list of things nannies and au pairs did to piss them off (including letting Francios spend $60 on pasta and chocolate [pronounced shock-oh-la I’m sure] at a French bistro).  Dude, if you have had MULTIPLE issues with MULTIPLE people over the years, YOU are the common denominator.

i could watch this on a loop forever and ever. image source: goodreads.com

I vacillate between absolutely hating Alex and Simon and feeling sorry for them (and their children).  Especially reading this now knowing they ended up bailing on NYC and now live down unda (I guess at least they are close to Simon’s family now, which maybe helped solve the difficult au pair problem?)  It takes a special kind of stupid to have absolutely NO IDEA what you sound like and I guess at least they really did find soul mates in each other? On the other hand, they can never claim to have gotten a bad edit on Real Housewives, as this book proves that they are EXACTLY the people they appeared to be on tv.

hey, at least Alex’s hair doesn’t look like it was styled by an overzealous salad spinner here. progress! image source: giphy.com

HOW AM I ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THIS MESS?!  The next section is about lessons learned from boisterous children.  I must take a (tequila) break before taking a deep dive into that nonsense.  Well, I am off to gather my children Rutherford and Sabine for our weekend trip to Alsace-Lorraine!  Au revoir!