godammit vicki, stop ruining EVERYTHING! image source: huffingtonpost.com
Oh Shannon Beador… I can’t help but love you. I love that you have been on a reality show for several years but you STILL get drunk, say WAY too much personal stuff, have NO problem acting like a complete psycho AND drag your flailing marriage to an Aryan robot into your storyline every year. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!
SAME. image source: primogif.com
YOU GUYS, are you wonder what the EFF Andy Cohen is smoking bringing back resident awkward weirdo Lydia McLaughlin (I had to google her to find out her last name- not good brand recognition, better get whatever shitty intern you have on that right away, Lyds) to Real Housewives of Orange County? As much as I hate her (and her AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE WEBSITE), why not bring back Gretchen Rossi and her creepy dad, I mean fiancé, Slade Smiley (lol til the end of time at that name)? You know they would BRING IT to guarantee they remained on the show (and ostensibly, not become homeless. what do people like them do for money after a reality show?!)
missed part one or part two? check em out!
listen you guys, it’s the sounds of Gretchen’s “career!” image source: giphy.com
You guys, I must admit that while it has been a LONG time since Gretchen and Slade were in the Bravo family, I find myself wondering what they are up to. Not enough to watch any other terrible show that will have them, but like really curious as to what they do on a day-to-day basis. What do you think a day in the Rossi-Smiley (sidenote: has there ever been or will there ever be a better reality name than Slade Smiley? The fact that he is a broke former real estate developer from Orange County couldn’t be more perfect either. He is the personification of how being on a reality show is a total house of cards) looks like? I bet Slade spends his mornings googling himself and watching clips from that awful reality show he was on with his ex-fiancée Jo De La Rosa. I saw her once when I was hiking Runyon and she was talking SO LOUDLY hoping people would notice her.
PURE ELEGANCE.
You guys, did you know that the OG real housewife, screaming briefcase of blonde hair extensions Vicki Gunvalson is also a PERFUMER? (yes, I had to google that shit, don’t judge me). Oh yes, Vicki has been a real housewife for nearly ELEVEN years. Can you believe that? In between horrible boyfriends and SO MUCH BUSINESS, Vicki has managed to stay relevant (lol) enough for Andy Cohen to keep her around. Unlike so many lesser women, Vicki just can’t get enough of looking like a batshit crazy person, horrible mother and, of course, IMPORTANT BUSINESS WOMAN on our televisions. Continue reading
Still struggling to finish your last minute holiday shopping? Let me help you buy for all of the ladies (and gents) in your life, featuring items I reviewed this past year! Happy holidays! I’ll be back with fresh nonsense in the new year!
For your aunt who loves to cook but might also be illiterate
I would highly recommend Skinny Italian or Fabulicious!, if she is really not into the English language. There are enough photos of the food (plus bonus photos of Juicy Joe Giudice!) that she might be able to figure it out. Continue reading
missed part one? check it out!
no heather, ain’t nobody got time for this nonsense. image source: pinterest.com
SERIOUSLY OMG THIS THEME SONG. If you do nothing else today, PLEASE listen to this so I don’t feel so alone: Continue reading
“aren’t I soooo relatable?” image source: pinterest.com
Oh Heather Dubrow, what to do with you? At first, you seemed like a normal who wandered into a blonde party of such craziness, that you truly seemed like the first real housewife who felt like she was aware of the fuckery going on around her. BUT THEN I listened to your podcast and realized you need Shannon’s kookiness and Tamra’s trashy hot lady vibes to foil your uptight, brunette shtick. By yourself, you are insufferable, and even in the midst of the melted Barbies screaming at each other that is the Real Housewives of Orange County’s deal, you have kind of lost the plot. If you make me feel sorry for the pile of stained club shirts from Wet Seal that is Kelly Dodd, you are a BAD PERSON. Continue reading
missed part one, part two or part three? check ’em out!
So now that we have learned every single way to improve ourselves through plastic surgery, including the risks and chance of complications, we move onto Part Three, where Heather and Terry list their favorite products. I thought we already did this, but I guess Consult BEAUTE hasn’t had enough plugs yet, so here we go.
the sink enhances the BEAUTE of my 40 million dollar manse. image source: lipstickalley.com
missed part one or part two? check ’em out!
So where were we? Ah yes, liposuction and how to avoid dying and/or looking horrible after your plastic surgery procedures. Terry next talks about chemical peels and… this is boring, you guys. Like really boring. And only applicable if you are interested in learning EVERYTHING about every plastic surgery option EVER. It’s like listening to someone read you the little pamphlets at your doctor’s office about things like Hypertension or Asthma. I am so so so bored….
well jesus, heather, this isn’t what I thought I was getting! image source: tumblr.com
Doesn’t the name Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig sort of imply that a. they have tried all of these procedures and b. they gave something a try that might be something a little outside the box? So far it’s “I like this mascara” and “don’t get your boobs done by your dental hygienist.” Anyway, we must soldier on. Next, we learn that Terry is actually a really decent man. As in he refuses to operate on children under 18, even with parental permission and boldly states that no one under the age of 40 should require any type of anti-aging surgery ever. He says that there a metric shitton of crappy plastic surgeons (and other doctors, as any surgeon can perform any surgery) who will always be happy to take your money in exchange for doing a risky or unnecessary procedure, so it is SO important to do your research on your doctors.
cool guy Terry in his leather jacket ain’t having it. image source: bravotv.com
Terry reminds us over and over again to do extensive research so you end up with someone who is ethical and who has had a ton of experience. For example, he says that when he worked on the Fox reality show The Swan, he got a ton of practice in a very short amount of time.
Hold the phone.
He was a plastic surgeon on THE SWAN?!?
just your basic makeover show, involving 40 procedures done in a row. image source: imgur.com
In case you don’t remember 2004, The Swan was a reality makeover competition where a bunch of plain women were given a crazypants number of plastic surgery procedures, hair extensions and fitness/diet consultation while not being allowed to see themselves heal (there were no mirrors in the sad, sad Swan house). The women were shown their “makeover” and then were lucky enough to compete in a horrible pageant to see who was truly THE SWAN. The show was criticized heavily for, you know, seemingly putting these poor women through a fuck ton of psychological trauma for “good tv.” How is Terry in ANY situation to criticize the morals of other surgeons when he was a part of this circus??!
your circus, your monkeys, buddy. image source: giphy.com
Terry follows up this shocker with a sad but amusing anecdote about notorious plastic surgery addict Michael Jackson. Apparently, Terry knew some of the doctors that worked on him and in the later years, they would just put Michael under and bandage his face and tell him that the surgery went great, even though they had done nothing. Terry is quick to point out that this is unethical, but a lot of people get very addicted to chasing the “perfect” surgery that will solve all of their problems. Next, we talk about malpractice, assessing your surgery goals (being happier with your appearance vs. expecting all of your problems to go away), and Heather explains why she never had her boobs done after kids (they magically got better with time!) I still can’t get over the whole Swan nonsense.
I mean, yeah, but still! image source: realitytvgifs.tumblr.com
Then he seriously just goes through every plastic surgery ever and talks about what it does, how much it hurts, what to expect from the recover, blah blah blah…I am just not sure who this book could help? Couldn’t you just google this shit fo’ free and put the money you would’ve spent on the book toward your surgery?
I get it, someone’s gotta pay for that porte cochere! image source: giphy.com
missed part one? check it out!
Heather finishes up her monologue about sunscreen (wear it always unless you WANT to look like the crypt keeper, you savage) with a story about how she went tanning one time when she was a pageant contestant (of course she was). But it didn’t work on her fair skin and she turned blotchy, oh noes! Of course, Heather points out that she did win Miss Congeniality in the Miss New York pageant, marking the first time in Real Housewives history that anyone has been considered congenial.
I bet Sandy Bullock could play Heather in a RHOOC movie, except I’m sure Heather would prefer to play herself. image source: tumblr.com
Real Hockwives 