So where were we? Ah yes, still here, somehow. Now we move into the portion of the book I like to call “Teresa Describes Parties She Throws and Attends and Also Vacations She Has Gone On and What She Wore and Ate and Did Not Eat and Also Who Was There and Was Not There.” It is as compelling as it sounds! First, as we will see this season on RHONJ, the women go to Milan. Teresa almost doesn’t get to go because her father went back into the hospital, but ended up making it in just the nick of time. Mi donna mia, as she would say! Anyway, imagine Teresa reading you a “what I did on my summer vacation” report on her trip to Italy in a very monotone voice while sleepily throwing in facts about Milan. Like that she named Milania that because she was pregnant with her in Italy. Speaking of, where has Milania been in this book? I need more of her!
SO Juicy Joe has entered the big house, and Tre is now a single parent to her gaggle of Italian Jon Benets and life is stressful af, yo. Shockingly, this book is not super organized in terms of order. Tre lashes out at Joe repeatedly and then intermixes that with sweet stories of their relationship in the “good times” before they were caught for all of their financial crimes. At the beginning of the book, I was POSITIVE that Teresa was going to divorce Joe (and leave him for her lawyer- she has total mentionitis with him and constantly mentions their conversations and he seems to be present in every part of her life, not just her many legal issues), but then she talks about him with the same reverence she had in the last book. I mean, I understand that marriage and relationships are complicated, but Tre is a pretttttttty simple person and seems to be very black and white, and has finally realized that Joe ruined their lives, caused her to be in prison for most of the last year of her mother’s life, and is an alcoholic pig who hasn’t taken responsibility for ANYTHING. Ditch him, Tre!
Oh man, here we are again. As you may recall, I listened to Teresa read her first book, Turning the Tables as one of my first reviews. As she basically sounded like a dying Furby, I swore to NEVER AGAIN put myself through that. Ah, the ignorance of youth. At that point, I hadn’t yet dulled my sense by consuming SO many terrible books, including a how to please your Neanderthal husband guide from Tre’s own SIL, Melissa, Danielle Staub’s INSANE memoir (she still claims to have been engaged 19 times, also that she is not a prostitution whore), drank the murkey blk. water of the Manzo children and, y’all, THAT IS JUST FROM THE CAST OF RHONJ. I can DO THIS! Continue reading
Isn’t it crazy to think that The Osbournes premiered on MTV more than FIFTEEN years ago? Y’all, we are old af. It’s also straight loony tunes to realize that without Ozzy, Sharon, Jack & Kelly, there would probably be no reality television like we have today. It’s so weird to imagine watching just scripted shows with like Juliana Margolis and no screaming pile of hair extensions and silicone crying because her dog’s cat’s cat mitzvah was a disaster. Continue reading
So Bruce meets Kris and decides SHE is the one that can get his life back on track. And by life, he means career. Kris was the most socially gifted human Bruce had ever met and was in awe of her ability to work a room. “Shocking!” – no one ever. Anyway, Kris immediately takes over Bruce’s career and fires his old management team. She gets him back into shape (minus da boobies, which stayed even after he ceased the female hormone therapy) and finds him several exercise equipment endorsement deals. Honestly, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because so far, Caitlyn has said nothing bad at ALL about Kris. So, either Kris completely (kompletely? no) overreacted to this book or, something is COMING, y’all.
SO where were we? Ah yes, well Bruce finally mentions his sons he had with Linda Thompson, Brandon (who he calls one of his two best friends, the other being his son Burt) and Brody (who he calls a “successful DJ” #shade). A lot of this book seems like an apology letter to his children, which is just really… sad. Bruce had six kids with three different woman and besides Kendall and Kylie, wasn’t around hardly at all in their childhoods. Maybe I am crazy, but I would prefer maybe some affirmation from my dad directly, not in a memoir. But perhaps (perhaps!) my family dynamic is a little different than the Jenners. Continue reading
So Bruce wins the gold medal at the 1976 Olympics in the decathlon and stares at himself naked in the mirror wearing only the medal (um, okay). He should feel like he has accomplished something SO huge, but his gender issues (as he describes them) continue to plague his self-confidence. Even though he had essentially turned himself into the very personification of masculinity, Bruce knew he was still really running away from himself (YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE!? RUNNING!) Before his training, Bruce met his first wife, Chrystie (just imagine if she had spelled her name Khrystie. Somewhere in America, a teen mom just got an idea for her baby name). While Bruce worked on the ‘Lympics, Chrystie worked as a flight attendant (this is all so 70s, I love it) and was the bread winner. Continue reading