I Can Make You Hot! Cooking with Kelly

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missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

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i’m guessing the recipe is just gummy bears artfully arranged on some spinach. image source: primogif.com

You guys,something pretty funny happened… Kelly Bensimon liked ALL of my instagram posts about her and even commented with some heart emojis… Methinks she didn’t read any of my posts because I basically call her a crazy person who doesn’t know how to read… well, maybe she had her intern “read” it to her and she just heard the good parts!  Like she is thin and good at jogging amongst moving vehicles. Continue reading →

Real Hockwives GIVEAWAY!

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as long as it isn’t unfiltered blonde, I’m in!  image source: giphy.com

You guys!  I have reached reality star swag SATURATION and I need to get some of this stuff out of my house before my husband has a bonfire and burns all of my Countess Collection fabulous pieces  (as if).  SO I would like to give all of you lovely ladies (and gents!) a chance to help me make room for all of the new books, booze, clothing and make-up the real housewives are just dying to sell to me.

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NOT YOU ALEXIS! image source: giphy.com

In this SUPER FABULOUS, crazy exciting giveaway, one lucky person will receive:

Life is Not a Reality Show by Kyle Richards

Strong is the New Sexy by Snooki

Skinnygirl Cocktails by Bethenny Frankel

Life on the Ramona Coaster by Ramona Singer

Get It! by Jacqueline Laurita

Indulge by Kathy Wakile

I Can Make You Hot! by Kelly Bensimon

V by Vicki Gunvalson

Click on the titles above to read my reviews of each… or wait, maybe don’t, or you might not want them anymore.  YOUR CHOICE!

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sorry, no Kim ZB wigs in this giveaway. image source: tenor.com

To enter, leave a comment on this post OR for a second entry, go to my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/realhockwives/  , follow me and like the giveaway post.  I will announce a winner on Monday, February 13.  GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ENTER! xoxo

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best valentine’s day ever!!!

I Can Make You Hot! Part Three

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missed part one or part two? check em out!

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i don’t know what this means. but i like it. STOP BEING RED! image source: giphy.com

Now we get to the boring-eat (usually) part of every make over your life book- how to dress yourself.  I only say that it is boring in that EVERY book is exactly the same!  Don’t wear trends!  Find what works for  YOUR body!  Buy these classic pieces!  Find a great tailor!  BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHRGG.  BUT I will say that Kelly shared an great anecdote about Madonna ignoring her when she was still carrying her baby weight after he second baby.  Madonna had just had Rocco and was skinny and fit af and Kelly’s ex-husband NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER Gilles Bensimon was taking her photo for the cover of ELLE magazine.  Kelly was wearing a big ol fat shirt and looked like shit and Madonna wouldn’t talk to her.  NO IDEA what this has to do with dressing yourself, but it was a good story regardless. Continue reading →

I Can Make You Hot! Part Two

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missed part one? check it out!

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excuse you, like there’s another gwyneth. image source: etonline.com

Onto the diet portion of the book, where Kelly proclaims that she doesn’t like diets or believe in them or go on them.  I would like to point out here that the subtitle of this book is “The Supermodel Diet,” but let’s not let things like logic or reality get in the way of Kelly’s proclamations.  This is the world we live in now!  Better get used to it. Continue reading →

I Can Make You Hot! Part One

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is the diet gummy bear-based?

YOU GUYS I finally found the RIGHT Kelly Bensimon (I’m sorry, I mean Kelly Killoran Bensimon, or KKB as she sometimes refers to herself) book on how to be hot af!  I once accidentally bought another book by KKB called The Bikini Book that was actually just a book about bikinis and pictures of them and shit. (you can read all about my shame here)  This time I CAN FINALLY learn all of KKB’s secrets!  Like be 6 feet tall and be naturally skinny and beautiful! Continue reading →

V by Vicki Gunvalson: A Review

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PURE ELEGANCE.

You guys, did you know that the OG real housewife, screaming briefcase of blonde hair extensions Vicki Gunvalson is also a PERFUMER?  (yes, I had to google that shit, don’t judge me).  Oh yes, Vicki has been a real housewife for nearly ELEVEN years.  Can you believe that?  In between horrible boyfriends and SO MUCH BUSINESS, Vicki has managed to stay relevant (lol) enough for Andy Cohen to keep her around.  Unlike so many lesser women, Vicki just can’t get enough of looking like a batshit crazy person, horrible mother and, of course, IMPORTANT BUSINESS WOMAN on our televisions. Continue reading →

PUMP: A Review

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well, hello boys! image source: pinterest.com

Big news!  I finally stepped foot into Lisa Vanderpump’s mecca in the middle of West Hollywood: PUMP.  I have actually been to SUR before, way back in 2009 before it was the background of my (former) favorite Bravo show, Vanderpump Rules.  This season is garbage, and not even in the good way.

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wait, I just remembered how awful Vale was. image source: hercampus.com

Continue reading →

Get It! Part One

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please ignore my chipped nail polish. I haven’t learned how to “get it” yet.

You guys, I am confused.

First of all, Jacqueline Laurita wrote a book?  And maybe I missed something, but I feel like she never mentioned it ONCE her whole crazy pants last season of RHONJ?  These hos are usually shilling every chance they GET (see: Bethenny Frankel) and she mentioned the stupid popcorn company (just what everyone wants- smaller popcorn kernels!) one million times but never this?

Continue reading →

Bulletproof: Part Two

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missed part one? check it out!

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goddammit, rhiiiine. image source: tumblr.com

Breaking up is hard, y’all.

So, turns out that getting engaged on your 17th birthday right before you give birth is not the happy ending that so many dumb tweens watching 16 & Pregnant think it is.  Maci gave it the old college try, but turns out that spending your life with a monosyllabic man-child who has no interest in being a “teen dad” is not really good for anyone.  Even lil Bentley.  Maci, relationship troubs aside, loved being a mom and felt like she had really good instincts right from the jump and didn’t need Rhiiiine’s bullshit anyway. Continue reading →