missed part one? check it out!

no heather, ain’t nobody got time for this nonsense. image source: pinterest.com

SERIOUSLY OMG THIS THEME SONG.  If you do nothing else today, PLEASE listen to this so I don’t feel so alone:

Now that you have successfully ripped off your ears in protest, onto the show!  This episode features Heather’s wedding dress from her 90s nuptials to leather jacket enthusiast, Dr. Terry Dubrow.  I KNOW, how on earth have we gone this long without seeing it?!  Christmas came early this year, y’all!

BUST OUT THE CLOSET CHAMPS! image source: giphy.com

So, anyway, Heather found out that her wedding dress preservation is good for 20 years, which is exactly how long she and Terry have been married.  Heather’s Closet upped their production value, and now we get FUN (lol) little pop up photos and graphics.  SO we get our first shot of Heather and Terry’s wedding and HOLY SHIT, Heather was even skinnier than she is now.  She looks like Natalie Portman in Black Swan when she weighed about 80 lbs and looked like she was on the verge of passing out and/or dying.

HOLY BOBBLEHEAD.  Terry looks good though.

Heather found her dress when she moved, so she decided to show it to ALL OF US LUCKY VIEWERS!  Her dress is Vera Wang (NATCH) and is a complete princess dress, with a full tulle skirt.  I mean, it’s a gorgeous dress and not at all dated for being 20 years old, but Heather has pretty classic taste.  She, of course, mentions that while she is still very slim, she can’t quite get the dress completely closed but can get it zipped?  I dunno.

we all can see you’re still a skeleton, dubrow. image source: animatedgif.com

Heather is REALLY proud she can still get in her dress, and hey, after four kids, god bless.  The dress is HUGE at the bottom and I can just imagine her screeching at everyone on her special day that they were stepping on her WEDDING GOWN!  I am sure she and Terry had some DELIGHTFUL banter about him ruining her dress or some other bullshit that Heather is sure everyone around her finds just adorbs.

hey there, white privilege personified! how you doin’.

Heather is jealous that now “everyone” has at least three wedding dresses, one for each event of the day.  Heather only had the one dress, like a poor!  Her inability to understand real people will forever be hilarious.  Of all of the housewives (and I am including season one of RHOBH Camille Grammar), Heather is the biggest candidate to land on the cover of Out of Touch Magazine.  Next, her advice for every bride on every budget is to try out several hair and make-up people before committing to the people that make you look like you.  Heather does this horrible baby-voice thing that I cannot STAND.  I much prefer her deep, judgy voice she employs on the Real Housewives.  BUT she kind of almost redeems herself by telling a VERY un-Heather like story about how she was too drunk on her wedding day so her friend had to help her change her tampon under all that fucking tulle.  I mean, WOW, that is like Kelly Dodd-level TMI.

grab me a tampax! image source: thesarcasticblonde.com

Heather has some really good advice for all wedding guests that you have definitely never heard before: don’t wear white.  Man, it just cracks me up how arrogant she is and the fact that she assumes everyone everywhere doesn’t know that shit.  I mean, it is a TOTAL real housewife move to pull some shit like that, so maybe she thinks it bears repeating.  But if you are not a total psycho, I am sure you have heard this before.  One actually interesting thing she shares is a photo of she and Terry with his now-deceased brother Kevin, the lead singer of Quiet Riot.  Heather says they did not get along at all, but had sort of reconciled.  She also shows a photo of her former co-star (and fellow resident crazy person) Jenny McCarthy.

stop, I can’t help that I am surrounded by A-listers! image source: wifflegif.com

And that’s it… I am never watching this shit again.  Cheers!