Balancing in Heels: Part Four

missed part one, part two or part three? check em out!

kristin bangs

WHAT SORT OF SORCERY IS THIS?! image source: giphy.com

So now that we have worked on our insides, it’s time to focus on what really matters: hair and make-up!  Kristin doesn’t care about make-up that much but she like, really likes her hair.  A psychic told her mom when she was pregnant with Kristin that her daughter would be obsessed with her hair and she was sooooo spot on!  That is like the most southern California sentence ever written.

Kristin suggests you don’t wash your precious mane all that often and once a month, put coconut oil in it and leave it in for a half hour.  This book is seriously like someone printed out 200 Pinterest articles and pasted them all together.  She also has very basic hair tutorials like “twist your hair around with your flatiron to get beauty waves” with zero photos or actual instructions.

lauren conrad sad

I feel like Steeeeeee-veeeen would’ve wanted you to do better. image source: pop sugar.com

Other tips: don’t over pluck your eyebrows (which isn’t really a thing people do now anyways, but okay, word count requirements, I get it), wear SPF every day and Vitamin C is good for your skin.  Seriously, even in the most mundane of these books I read for this site, I usually at least learn ONE THING I didn’t already know.  But my GOD if you have ever read a woman’s magazine in your LIFE, none of this is new information.  If you are going to have a chapter about hair and make-up, you might want to include ONE tutorial with actual photos, steps and product recommendations.  Instead we get very pretty photos of Kristin applying mascara and tips like “apply eye shadow” with no other info.

lauren annoyed

when lc is judging you while wearing that headband, you better REEVALUATE your life. image source: giphy.com

After that life-changing chapter (including a tip from Kristin’s make-up artist to “wear bronzer,” which whaaaaaaaaa?!), Kristin tells us how to become a boss lady like herself.  Kristin has done everything from working at a Bikram yoga studio to hostessing at a very nice restaurant in Laguna Beach, so she is basically one of the kids from Slumdog Millionaire.  Then she was on MTV, then did some really shitty acting for awhile, then was on The Hills and then had kids and wrote this masterpiece we are reading right now!

kristin wave

life is like so hard, yew guise. image source: giphy.com

Another passion of Kristin’s that will definitely shock you is SHOES.  It was “always her dream” to have her own shoe line and omg she actually made it happen!  #thesecret #hardwork #lol.  Anyway, I guess her shoe line is cute and I think it actually does pretty well, but it’s not like Kristin is shaking up the fashion world or anything.  It’s pumps and booties in on-trend colors at a mid-point price level.  Kristin talks a LOT about the development process of shoe design (methinks someone has been accused of just slapping her name on these shoes more than once) and honestly, the entire thing reads like a long form informercial for her products.  One would think that she would include a lot of great photos of said shoes, but one would be wrong.

kcav shoes

I mean, they are fine, but don’t you think the person with the name on the box could come up with a better layout?  Or have a photo of HER wearing these shoes? image source: Balancing in Heels

God, this whole book is so fucking boring that it’s hard to even make fun of it.  It is AGGRESSIVELY dull and Kristin really did herself a disservice by removing all traces of the sarcastic beotch persona she had on television.  This is like listening to a pretty frosty glass of almond milk read you an article on why it is better than cow’s milk.  Anywho, the next advertisement I mean section is about how Kristin and her BFF Chelsea who we have never heard of started a jewelry line together called Emerald Duv (Kristin explains they spelled “dove” incorrectly to be “edgy.”  I wish I were kidding).

whitney face

I am SO close to being done with this, SO CLOSE… image source: eonline.com

SO I know you are ALL wondering: what’s next for Kristin Cavallari?  I mean, hasn’t she really already DONE IT ALL?  I mean, she was already in a movie called Wild Cherry with one Rumer Willis that you know was just robbed at the Oscars in 2009, so really what else is there?

Hosting.

There is hosting.  Kristin LUUUUURVES hosting.  Which of course she would, as she is basically Mario Lopez without the talent.

slater

she wishes.  Slater would NEVER.  image source: popsugar.com

Kristin would also like to produce a reality show at some point, ostensibly so she can give some other vapid valley girl the chance to one day write a book filled with such obvious advice that it actually ANGERS the reader, who would have loved to have thrown the book out in protest, but, alas, this is 2016 and she read it on her phone, so no dice.  Next up, I get in the kitchen with Kristin and try like really, really hard not to gouge out my own eyes.

kristincavallari

there is a SHOCKING lack of Kristin Cavallari gifs on the web.  Millenials, I am ashamed of you!  Get on that shit.  image source: betches.com

One thought on “Balancing in Heels: Part Four

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