Balancing in Heels: Cooking with Kristin

missed part one, part two, part three or part four? check em out!

kristin cooks

I also gaze solemnly at my peppers while prepping them. image source:

SO now that we have learned how to not eat like a garbage person, it’s time to cook with Kristin.  I figured her recipes would be reminiscent of the food I ate on Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop cleanse, and I was not wrong.  Kristin herself is very goop-lite and I wouldn’t be surprised if she launched a full-on lifestyle brand website soon.  Instagram-type persons are very good at creating an enviable-looking world, and some (Gwyneth, Reese Witherspoon) are very successful whereas others fall laughably short (Blake Lively, RIP Preserve).  Based on this book alone, unless Kristin hires a crack marketing team, I am not holding my breath.

kristin dollar bitch

every one counts, Miss Cavallari. image source:

SO onto the food!  For the first recipe, I decided to make Kristin’s Cherry-Pistchio Quinoa.  Unlike with cooking with goop, I actually did have a lot of these ingredients already, which was nice.  I actually had a lot of them due to what I bought for the goop detox, but that is neither here nor there. I am just glad I got to re-use some of the raw pistachios it took me forever to find.

shop ingredients

see how I got the flowers in the background? Maybe Kristin did teach me to instagram-improve my life.

The recipe is pretty easy to follow, although I am pretty sure nobody proofread it.  There are a few glaring errors, and this recipe isn’t the only one.  In it, Kristin says you need 2-3 tsp of lemon peel, but doesn’t tell you that it needs to be grated or minced.  I hope some poor sap didn’t wonder why her dish turned out so shitty because she just dumped some big chunks of lemon peel in her quinoa.


quinoa be cooking!  pay no attention to the colonel.

All in all, the recipe took about twenty minutes to prepare and was pretty good!  I mean, it was basically just cooked shallots, toasted quinoa with dried cherries, lemon dressing and chopped pistachios, so it would be pretty hard to eff up.  But as we know, I can still manage to do that often, so this was a win.

cherry pistachio quinoa

ta-daaaaaaaaa!  I really need to work on my photography skills.

Next up, I decided to make a smoothie because there are like 30 basic af recipes in here and Kristin makes one “like every day” so I wouldn’t be living my best life if I didn’t wake up every day trying to live like a bitchier Lauren Conrad clone.

kristin bitch

BRING IT, CUTLER. image source:

Again, this recipe had its… oopsies.  I decided to try Kristin’s Peanut Butter Delight Smoothie because it sounded pretty good and I already had everything.  Plus, like every person ever in 2016, I have made a lot of green smoothies in my day and it’s pretty hard to eff them up.

smoothie 2

I’m really not a good photographer.


When I started to assemble the ingrediences (Teresa Giudice has ruined me forever), I realized that Kristin has “add coconut water” in the instructions but not in the list of items.  Whoopsie, someone is getting fired!  I was cool with leaving it out anyway, because this smoothie, while healthy, has a shitton of calories: 1/4 cup of peanut butter is like 360 calories alone!  Plus the honey, protein powder, almond milk… This thing has like 500-600 calories in it.  I am NOT going to get fat on green effing smoothies, I can tell you that much.  If I am going to have a 600 calorie breakfast, there better be booze and bacon involved.

peanut butter delight smoothie

I don’t see any bacon…. 😦


We have FINALLY reached the end, my friends.  What i learned most from Kristin Cavallari is that some people are really better off showing off their life on Instagram.  When you try to dig deeper and expand on what essentially is just a collection of chia seeds, green juice and fancy handbags, you are bound to be disappointed.  Also, get your goddamn kids vaccinated.  Now get off my lawn!

kristin smirk

I can’t believe chokers are a thing again.  I really can’t.  image source:

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