SO now that we have learned how to not eat like a garbage person, it’s time to cook with Kristin. I figured her recipes would be reminiscent of the food I ate on Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop cleanse, and I was not wrong. Kristin herself is very goop-lite and I wouldn’t be surprised if she launched a full-on lifestyle brand website soon. Instagram-type persons are very good at creating an enviable-looking world, and some (Gwyneth, Reese Witherspoon) are very successful whereas others fall laughably short (Blake Lively, RIP Preserve). Based on this book alone, unless Kristin hires a crack marketing team, I am not holding my breath.
SO onto the food! For the first recipe, I decided to make Kristin’s Cherry-Pistchio Quinoa. Unlike with cooking with goop, I actually did have a lot of these ingredients already, which was nice. I actually had a lot of them due to what I bought for the goop detox, but that is neither here nor there. I am just glad I got to re-use some of the raw pistachios it took me forever to find.
The recipe is pretty easy to follow, although I am pretty sure nobody proofread it. There are a few glaring errors, and this recipe isn’t the only one. In it, Kristin says you need 2-3 tsp of lemon peel, but doesn’t tell you that it needs to be grated or minced. I hope some poor sap didn’t wonder why her dish turned out so shitty because she just dumped some big chunks of lemon peel in her quinoa.
All in all, the recipe took about twenty minutes to prepare and was pretty good! I mean, it was basically just cooked shallots, toasted quinoa with dried cherries, lemon dressing and chopped pistachios, so it would be pretty hard to eff up. But as we know, I can still manage to do that often, so this was a win.
Next up, I decided to make a smoothie because there are like 30 basic af recipes in here and Kristin makes one “like every day” so I wouldn’t be living my best life if I didn’t wake up every day trying to live like a bitchier Lauren Conrad clone.
Again, this recipe had its… oopsies. I decided to try Kristin’s Peanut Butter Delight Smoothie because it sounded pretty good and I already had everything. Plus, like every person ever in 2016, I have made a lot of green smoothies in my day and it’s pretty hard to eff them up.
When I started to assemble the ingrediences (Teresa Giudice has ruined me forever), I realized that Kristin has “add coconut water” in the instructions but not in the list of items. Whoopsie, someone is getting fired! I was cool with leaving it out anyway, because this smoothie, while healthy, has a shitton of calories: 1/4 cup of peanut butter is like 360 calories alone! Plus the honey, protein powder, almond milk… This thing has like 500-600 calories in it. I am NOT going to get fat on green effing smoothies, I can tell you that much. If I am going to have a 600 calorie breakfast, there better be booze and bacon involved.
We have FINALLY reached the end, my friends. What i learned most from Kristin Cavallari is that some people are really better off showing off their life on Instagram. When you try to dig deeper and expand on what essentially is just a collection of chia seeds, green juice and fancy handbags, you are bound to be disappointed. Also, get your goddamn kids vaccinated. Now get off my lawn!