Next week, I am doing something a little different on Real Hockwives. Rather than turning my fingers green from whatever horrible jewelry line a real housewife is hocking this week, I decided to turn to the much-reviled goddess of all things smug and healthy, Miss Gwyneth “GOOP” Paltrow.
Like most people, I love to mock Gwyn and her seeming unwillingness to recognize the ridiculous lifestyle suggestions she throws around. A $15,000 solid gold dildo? But of course! $60 powdered mushroom sex dust? Oh, you must! However, also like most people, I secretly want to be her, from her Tracy Anderson-toned physique to her insistence that kale is a safety green (probably) and you should reach for rainbow chard. Just imagine the energy you would have if you only ate Gwyneth-approved foods! How peaceful your life would be if you did as much Bikram as Gwynnie. Oh, and the self-righteousness! I would love to sip my alkaline-infused blue algae spritzer while smugly watching other slug down Mountain Dew like the obese plebs they are.
SO to start my journey of smugness and sinewy Gwyn arms, I decided to actually put my kale where my mouth is and do goop’s 3 day summer detox. For 72 hours, I will goop it up, subsist on water vapors and maca powder and CHANGE MY LIFE. I can just see my perfect, glowing skin, shiny blonde locks (I am blonde like my girl Gwyn in this scenario) and superior, serene smile as I easily finish the third day.
Now, I knew this was going to be absolute bullshit from the get-go. Things I yelled out loud while reading the three day menu:
- Pistachio milk! What the fuck is that?!
- I don’t have a goddamn waffle iron and I am NOT buying one for Gwyneth’s sake.
- Carrot chips are not chips! Jesus Christ. Sumac!? What is that??!?!
- Oh my GOD this is going to be expensive. Hole-y shit.
After I stopped shaking my fist at the screen and threatening Gwyneth, I made the EXTENSIVE list and set up on the first of many trips to locate the one bazillion dollars worth of ingredients I will totes use again. You know, like flaked unsweetened coconut flakes and hulled hemp seeds.
Two grocery stores, a farmer’s market trip and a hefty Amazon prime purchase later, I was on the road to goop town!
Although I am looking forward to some of the recipes (Mexican Hot Chocolate Avocado Mousse!) more than others (the stupid carrot chips), I am just mostly glad that there is actual food on this detox. I did a 3-day juice cleanse with my husband last summer and let’s just say he reacted much better to not eating than I did. I mostly drank cup after cup of hot water as I was freezing the whole time, ground the shit out of my teeth and glared at everyone/thing for 72 hours. I am a delight!
After a full two weeks with family in town, I actually looked forward to this after so much pizza, wine, ice cream etc… bring it on, Gwyn!