Balancing in Heels: Part Two

missed part one?  check it out!

kristin cav boo

don’t worry jay, there’s always next season. image source: giphy.com

SO even though Kristin and Jay Cutler called off their original engagement (right after Kristin did a photo shoot in wedding gowns for Life & Style or one of the lesser US Weekly-type mags, oopsie), they did get back together!  This book sure is long considering it has NO details really or continuity.  In one paragraph, Kristin and Jay are getting back together and in the next, Kristin talks traveling tips with a child.  These tips are things like “bring snacks and an iPad,” so they seem to be for people who have never met children before.

conan beard

It’s like a regular human… but smaller?  image source: giphy.com

FINALLY Kristin gets to some good stuff- talking about her relationship with Stephen on Laguna Beach.  She immediately throws shade at Lauren Conrad, whom she refers to as just “another girl, Lauren.”  THIS.  THIS I like.  Basically, she says the producers made Stephen (I can’t even type that without remembering how she used to say “Steeeev-Ehnnnnn” on that show, omg it was so bad/great) hang out with LC for drama for the show and no other reason.  Kristin never acknowledges who Lauren is and just refers to her as “this other girl” the whole time.  YASSSS.

kristin laguna

lol whatever “lauren” image source: mtv.com

Of course, this great section is followed up with some super generic stories about dating losers in her 20s.  Considering homegirl was knocked up & “wifed” up (barf)  by 24, I’m not sure she is really the dating expert she thinks she is, but okay.  She does share that she and Jay Cutler got together because he got in touch with her publicist while she was on The Hills.  What a douchey beginning, but I guess that is probably just how these types end up as a couple.  Kristin does claim that later she found out it was actually one of his teammates in the end that contacted her PR, but I somehow don’t believe that Brandon Marshall was so worried about Jay getting “hubbed-up” that he somehow located a phone number for a publicist across the country, but whatevs.

jay and brandon

thanks, brando! do you want me to see if gretchen rossi broke up with slade yet? image source: chicago.sbnation.com

Apparently, the major issue holding Cutallari (my invented couple name for them) back was that Jay is super traditional and wanted Kristin to stay home and be a good little wife and mother (barf).  They worked through this with a therapist that they still see to this day, which hey, major props to them (no snark here).  Kristin didn’t really want to get married ever, but Jay did and it was super important to his parents, so she decided to go for it.  She’s very into that whole love languages dealie, which I know nothing about, so kind of a shoulder shrugger for me.  One thing I actually DO like that she says is that it’s important to hang out with your friends and maintain friendships after you are in a relationship or married, which is SO much better than some relationship advice (a la Melissa Gorga, who thinks being single is a contagious disease).

kristin eye roll 2

#teamkristin image source: tumblr.com

Now that we are all wifed up, we get to move on to the next section: food!  Ugh, this is exactly what I thought it would be.  Again, it’s not bad advice (try to eat as much real, non-processed organic food as possible) but I am just not sure that Kristin Cavallari should be the one writing about it.  This would maybe be a good section to have a doctor or at least a registered dietician or food scientist or SOMEONE WITH A GODDAMN DEGREE to weigh in.  Basically, Kristin says when she was younger, she always counted calories and didn’t give one f about what was in her food as long as it was low calorie or fat free. She claims she never lost weight and always had a “pooch” which I do not believe, but okay.

regina 3 pounds

is butter a carb? image source: spoonuniversity.com

But once Kristin got pregnant with her first son, she decided that diet food was bullshit and started focusing on eating real food, mostly ones without nutrition labels.  She feels better than she ever has and her skin and hair look great.  The end.  Just kidding.  There is A WHOLE BUNCH to say about GMOs (genetically-modified organisms).  THESE ARE SO BAD OMG.  I mean, yes, they are not good for us, but the fear mongering about “chemicals” in food (water is a chemical, everything is a chemical, nerds) isn’t really helping the conversation either.  Kristin advises you to be psycho about reading food labels, eating only organic produce and to always know where your meat comes from (i.e. the farm so you can make sure no antibiotics or hormones were used on the animals).  Which, yeah, it’s good advice, but is it really realistic for most normal people to have the means and the time to do all this?

kristin care less

duly noted. image source: mtv.com

Then there is a huge list of things to avoid (soy, additives, colorants, etc) and a bunch of boring tips like what gum to buy (yaaaaaaawwwwnnnn).  There are a TON of charts and tips that basically reads like a bunch of pinterest articles strung together (swaps for white flour, what non-organic foods will kill you etc). I am so bored.  I am boring myself writing this.  Kristin literally lists foods you will always find in her house (apple cider vinegar!) and foods you never will, you dirty non-organic whore (tofu!).  Then it’s a long section of meal ideas, including eggs for breakfast.  This is so, so dumb.  I am going to make some of her dishes and I am pretty sure I might just make the fried eggs (ONLY IN COCONUT OIL) to get it over with.  Next up, we will talk about exercise. Can’t wait to read what groundbreaking information Kristin has on this front…

kristin okay

cardio?!  what is that?! image source: perezhilton.com

3 thoughts on “Balancing in Heels: Part Two

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