missed part one or part two? check em out!

Now that we are wifed up and have stopped eating “chemicals” like heathens, it’s time to exercise, bitches!  Like with eating, Kristin did everything wrong before she had her children- too much easy cardio and not pushing herself in the gym.  After giving birth, Kristin had the same issue all women have: she got too thin!

Look, I do realize that Kristin in naturally tiny and that some women do have trouble gaining weight, but if she is trying to relate to the average woman, she is failing.  Hard.  Anyway, now Kristin lifts weights and does Pilates because cardio makes her too skinny.  She drinks lots of water and drinks protein shakes after her work outs… this is like reading the diary of that woman in her office who goes on a new diet and can talk about NOTHING else.  Kristin’s trainer is named Mike Sorrentino, which makes me SO happy as that is also the real name of “The Situation” from MTV’s Jersey Shore.  Can you imagine the crossover possibilities with The Hills Situation?!

So trainer “Not the Situation” gives some basic tips like “consistency is key” and “make sure your form is perfect” which is helpful but NOT NEW INFORMATION.  Seriously, just buy an issue of Women’s Health or better yet, steal an old issue from your dentist’s office and you will get all of this info for a 1/10 of the price (or free if you jack it!).  There are specific work-outs with basic moves like “flat dumbbell chest press.”  I guess at least there is something from here that you can actually do instead of just saying “exercise and drink water!” which was basically Khloe Kardashian’s Strong Looks Better Naked in a nutshell.  Kristin includes some quick workouts for nap time, which is basically just lunges, squats, etc.  At least she is on brand for all of this “I’m a mommy” stuff.

Now that we are fit af, it’s time to dress those hot bodies!  (I hate myself for just writing that sentence).  Kristin says learn what works for your body and stay away from anything too trendy.  Working with stylists and fashion designers has helped her figure out what parts of her body to emphasize (legs) and what to hide (she claims to have “literally no hips” which sounds uncomfortable).  Because I am basic af, I actually really like the way Kristin dresses.  It is incredibly basic (for lack of a better term) but she does always look pulled together and effortlessly chic.  But here Kristin has photos of herself where she says things like “I thought this blue top looked sweet with the pink heels” and other dumb bullshit.  How is this a book?!

Once again, we get a lot of Pinterest-y lists of items you must have or else: leather leggings, booties (which Kristin just happens to have her own line of), white blazers, jumpers, army green jean shorts (oddly specific, but I like that at least one item on here isn’t just “blouse”), etc.  Then there are some photos of Kristin wearing said items.  I feel like this whole thing is just a mediocre fashion blog in book form, but I know some fashion bloggers have shitty books too, so whatever.  Then we get another list of must-haves (there are many, many must haves I guess) including nude heels, “leather handbag” (lol), OH MY GOD I DON’T CARE.  I am also reading this book on my phone and I am very curious if the hard copy translates better?  Reading about lists of clothing with barely any photos is HORRIBLE.

Kristin says not to spend a lot of money on belts, blazers or diamond earrings.  Aren’t you just riveted with these life-changing tips?!  Kristin is VERY into shoes and jewelry, which is such a coinky-dink because she (as I mentioned above!) has her own line of shoes, and also her own jewelry line, Emerald Duv.  What are the odds?!

Seriously, if you want any other tips like “how to wash your jeans” (no, really) jfgi or I dunno, just google image photos of Kristin and see what she is wearing.  This might be the dumbest and least helpful section I have ever read since Khloe Kardashian taught me how to make a “Kris Jenner” (spoiler alert: it’s a vodka soda).  Up next, we will learn beauty tips from Kristin (my guess is that they are “be genetically blessed” and “wear mascara”) and how to be a boss bitch (um, lol).