Balancing in Heels: Part One

balancing in heels

what a weird title… image source:

If Instagram were a person, I’m pretty sure that person would be Kristin Cavallari.  Think about it: bronde (blonde + brown)  hair with perfect blonde face-framing tendrils, famous athlete husband, cute kids, a commitment to health and wellness with absolutely no credentials whatsoever.  I never really had that big of an opinion about KCav either way, until it came out that she was against vaccinating her children.  When asked why, Kristin basically said she had a read “a study” but couldn’t remember the name of it and also don’t discount Dr. Jenny McCarthy!  So now i think she is a grade A moron, but she is like, really pretty, so let’s see what other bon mots she can offer us!

krisin pretty

whatevs, beotch, this is what i looked like at 17 so suck on that! image source:

Right out the gate, Kristin tells us something… shocking.  You guys, producers on The Hills and even Laguna Beach manipulated the cast members into doing things and the scene continuity was faked with filled in audio, added moments and pretend phone calls.  This is not surprising even one bit now, but as Kristin rightfully says, back when Laguna Beach started, people were under the impression that “reality” shows were, in fact, real.

drama gif

wait, are you my new boyfriend? or who are you? let me ask the producer real quick. image source:

Even though Kristin “loved” doing the show, she says it was difficult to be typecast as a “bitch” at 17 years old.  I mean, she is not wrong.  Who was their best self at that age?  But Kristin is much prouder of who she is now: wife to NFL quarterback Jay Cutler (GO BEARS) and mom to three children, Camden, Jaxon and Saylor (lol).  Kristin never pictured herself as a young mother, but she became pregnant with Camden when she was only 24 and had just gotten back together with Cutler after breaking off their engagement.  While she was knocked up, Kristin decided it was time to get serious about being healthy.  Homegirl has probably never weighed more than 120 lbs even while pregnant, but skinny doesn’t always equate to healthy.


whatever, i’m getting cheese fries. image source:

So Kristin decided to stop eating 100 calorie packs or whatever and eat real food without worrying about calories.  She also worked out consistently throughout her pregnancy.  So far, this book is basically just a long form version of what I imagine Kristin’s cover story in an issue of Women’s Health would be.  Instead of hitting da club, Kristin stayed in and ate nut-milk ice cream while watching tv with a face mask on.  It’s like every female cliche in one go!

mean girls mouse

I wish Kristin hadn’t lost all of her Regina George.  image source:

Basically, Kristin says to look at your naked body a lot when you’re with child to get used to the changes so you can still feel “sexy.”  I felt a LOT of things when I was pregnant, but I am pretty sure none of them was “sexy.”  Jay Cutler isn’t a “word man” so he forgot to tell Kristin she was beautiful when preggers.   You say word man, I say asshole, but tomato, tomahto.  Because of Jay’s football schedule, Kristin was either on her own when her babies came or Jay was there almost entirely.  What a weird thing to have to try to time your pregnancies, but I would do it FOR SURE if the alternative were to have no help from my husband.  Although, in my last month of pregnancy, he did tell me that it would be nice if I waited to have our son after an important meeting he had.  I almost gave birth right that second out of spite, but that is just me.

glee rage

never eff with a woman in her last month of pregnancy. image source:

Kristin had no issues breastfeeding (of course she didn’t) and after her kids weened, she gave them goat’s milk as they both had dairy issues (I think she diagnosed this) and Kristin doesn’t “do soy.”  I have never heard of anyone giving their kid’s goat milk before, but I am not a celebrity and just a normal so my opinion is invalid.  She worked with her doctor (thank God! I was beginning to think someone gave Kristin’s son a Fisher Price doctor kit and homegirl took it as her own) to supplement the goat milk (don’t you just picture that tasting like liquid goat cheese?) with some vitamins and fats so it can completely nurture her kids.  She even gives the recipe for her Goat’s Milk Formula, which, fine, but I really hope no one decides to give their kid that instead of asking their doctor first.

kristin eye roll

dude, you are NOT a doctor, even if you’ve read “a study” image source:

After you give birth, your body isn’t going to look very good.  THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!  Kristin says you should start working out as soon as possible to get back into shape and be sure to eat a ton of non-processed food to help with your milk supply for breastfeeding.  Again, she isn’t wrong, but is this really the book women go to for baby advice?  I mean, there is nothing new here minus that goat’s milk jazz, but maybe there are women who really do go to former MTV reality stars for life advice.  I can’t wait to read Sammi from Jersey Shore‘s relationship advice book.

samron punch

“love you, rahn!” image source:

Next up, we get a chapter called “All Wifed Up.”  I can’t… wait.

kristin annoyed

sounds… great? image source:

5 thoughts on “Balancing in Heels: Part One

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