Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig: Part One

cover

I’m guessing it’s mostly botox? image source: goodreads.com

Heather Dubrow, I just don’t know about you.  I used to actually like that you seemed to have your shit together both professionally AND emotionally, which is a unicorn in Real Housewives-land.  But then I listened to your podcast where you mostly complained about the stress of spending $500K on cabinets and you lost me.  However, Heather is married to the atypical Real Housewife husband as Terry is a. gainfully employed in a way that is not reliant on Bravo and b. seems to be an incredibly successful plastic surgeon (see: $500K on cabinets).  Also, his brother was in Quiet Riot, did you know that?!  Anyway, they seem to really love each other and will probably weather the reality tv divorce curse.

heather-dubrow-have-at-it

don’t mind if I do! image source: giphy.com

So, the book opens with a “charming” anecdote in which Heather recalls that after her first date with Terry, he was sure to watch her guest spot on some tv show I’ve never heard of.  After, he called to tell her how great she was and also that she needed Botox.  Wtf?!  Heather was annoyed at first but realized he was right and went right over to him and had him shoot her up.  Only in Orange County would this little ditty be considered a “meet cute” instead of an “I dated the biggest narcissistic asshole ever” story.

heather-eye-brows

well, part of her eyebrows move, which is more than most of these ladies.  image source: giphy.com

After that adorable story, we move right along into the book.  First, Heather gives all of her favorite make-up tips and products.  Not surprisingly, she leans heavily toward Chanel as her favorite brand, but also says she loves a Wet & Wild lip pencil in the color 666, which is like $1, so you go ahead and pat yourself on the back for that one.  She also warns repeatedly that she HATES foundation as it is like supes aging and looks like a mask.  Heather says she does her own make-up for RHOOC except for the reunion shows, because they have funky lighting.  I don’t believe that entirely- I think nearly every housewife (minus maybe the reaaaally broke ones) has a stylist and hair/make-up team for the testimonials, but whatever.  This part is really only helpful if you know NOTHING about make-up and this is when I imagine reading a non-audio version of this book would be more helpful.  Next, Heather talks about her fave hair products and tips.  Again, great, but I really thought this book was going to be more about weird and crazy-sounding beauty and anti-aging techniques, not a literal list of what’s in Heather’s medicine cabinet.

damage-heather

when are we going to hear about snail facials? image source: giphy.com

Finally, Heather moves onto skincare.  Right away, she warns that most skincare is packaged BULLSHIT, as the FDA only regulates the safety of the products, not their efficacy.  She says you can usually trust dermatologists and other doctors that put out skincare lines as they are putting their reputations on the line.  Shockingly, did you know that Terry Dubrow has put out a line of skincare and he is a doctor?  WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!  It’s called “Consult Beaute” (seriously, what is it with the women of Orange County and the spelling of beauty? Gretchen did it first [and much worse]) and you can get it on the fine, fine site of evine: http://www.evine.com/b/beauty/consult-beaute/.  You know that is one quality retailer as it is also the place that sells Countess LuAnn’s toddler pajamas for adults.

luann

yeah, that’s right, bitches. I sell the SHIT out of some adult onesies.  image source: wifflegif.com

Heather does some light schilling for Consult BEAUTE, and then goes on to list things to avoid in your products (sulfates, phthalates) and how to read your skincare labels.  I will give her credit, Heather has a great voice for audiobooks and is so polished that it’s not as fun as say, listening to Teresa Giudice marble-mumble her way through her book someone wrote for her.  Then we learn about things to avoid for great skin (i.e. everything fun in life): too much booze, too much sun, smoking or second hand smoke, staying up too late, etc.  I have no doubt that Heather follows this to a t as she is the resident fun-hater on RHOOC and has never even gotten “naked wasted” on camera.

heather-dubrow-crack

NO because you said it was bad for my skin! image source: tumblr.com

Next up, more skin “secrets” from the Dubrows.  I hope this book gets a little jazzier, I feel like I am reading long-form articles from Self magazine.

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4 thoughts on “Dr. & Mrs. Guinea Pig: Part One

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